Children are so unique in so many ways. They have different
sleep routines, different obsessions and different food
preferences. But there's one thing that you can always rely on: as
soon as they learn to speak they'll start asking tricky
questions.
It's like some innate gift passed down through the generations. As
sure as the sky is blue, there's a small person out there somewhere
asking why the sky is blue.
So what are the questions that every parent dreads? We asked some
parents to share theirs to help us put together our guide to some
of the worst offenders.
1. Personal probes
Q: "Mummy, why do you have a fuzzy bottom?"
Annie C's five-year-old asked this one day. She then proceeded to
"tell everyone at nursery about the phenomenon".
It's bad enough having a pre-schooler point out your wobbly, fuzzy
or bald bits, without them broadcasting it to all and sundry. And
teenagers wonder why parents always bring out the embarrassing
photos when they bring their new partners round. Revenge is a dish
best served cold, children.
A: "It’s where I store the emergency fuzzy
felt."
2. Anthropomorphic conundrums
Q: "Does the cat ever get bored?"
Is a cat given to ennui? In spite of their considerable freedom,
they barely do anything most days, often sleeping for 16 hours at a
time. Is that a sign of depression? Given as much freedom, just
imagine what a dog would fill its days with!
A: "No, he doesn't get bored. He
thinks a spider walking across the floor is the most exciting thing
he's ever seen. Yesterday, he watched the rain for over an hour.
He's very easily pleased."
[Related feature:
What to do if your child cheats]
3. Gender brain benders
Q: "Why do boys have willies?" (or "Why don't
girls have willies?")
Such a simple question, but how do you answer? Do you go for the
straight truth and start drawing biological diagrams? Or do you
think of something silly involving cavemen and fire control?
A: "Ask your father."
4. Metaphysical mind-blowers
Q: "What are shadows made of?"
It's probably no surprise to learn that the little boy who asked
this grew up to be a writer/illustrator of wacky children's comics
about sheep and tiny dinosaurs. Gary Northfield's mum couldn't give
an answer, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
A: "The backs of rainbows."
5. Evolutionary mysteries
Q: "Where did the first horse come from?"
Questions like this are the sort you should probably gen up on
before your offspring learn to speak. They're a staple part of any
child's questioning: things you can actually give a proper answer
to if only you'd bothered to get that zoology degree.
A: "Horses evolved about 75 million years ago in
Europe and Asia from an animal called Eohippus (Dawn Horse). It was
just 60cm (the equivalent of two rulers) in length."
6. Social faux pas
Q: "Is that a man or a woman?"
It's IMPERATIVE that this be asked loudly and within earshot of the
person in question in order to cause maximum embarrassment to
parents. Popular variants include "Why does that lady have a
moustache?" and "Why is that man wearing a dress?".
A: "Shh, darling!"
7.Chemical queries
Q: "How do you make the tap water go hot with your hand?"
This one was asked by a child convinced that the water turned warm
only because mum was holding her hand under the tap. Apparently,
explanations about boilers and immersion heaters did not pass
muster.
A: "I absorb all the cold out of the water. Why do
you think my hands are always so cold?"
8. Morbid fascination
Q: "Grandad, when are you going to die?"
This is always a cheery question to ask an elderly relative. Annie
C's daughter asked this last time she visited her grandpa. Looks
like someone's getting nothing in the will.
A: "When I run out of breaths."
9. Meteorological interrogations
Q: "Why is the sky blue?"
This is another old faithful, and certainly one you can easily
learn to answer. How technical you want to get depends on whether
you'd like to spend half an hour explaining how the eye sees light
of different frequencies as different colours, or if you'd rather
use that time to re-grout the bathroom tiles.
A: "The sky appears blue because gas molecules in
the atmosphere absorb more blue light and reflect it all around the
sky."
Or: "Because that's God's favourite colour."
10. Naked truths
Q: "What's an orgasm?"
These are the questions sent to try us, as Camilla Chafer will
attest. Other parents have been asked "What's a prostitute?"
"What's a condom?" and "What's a pervert?". They're all words that
children might hear as they go out into the world, but wouldn't
life be simpler if they didn't?
A: "I'll tell you when you're older" (ah, that old
cop out).
Or: If you're feeling brave, you could try a little bit of
truth. Not too much, though -- you don't want the playground full
of children playing 'prostitutes and peverts'.