HOW TO POO AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO
is
inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is
the
Survival Guide for taking dump at work.
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell
is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know
where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make
sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check
for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People
may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing
a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge
it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the
farter
in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke
or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what
just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the
water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up
the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it
is
best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided
with
the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You
will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with
a
newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the
bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency
pooing
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor
the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE
HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your
sex
entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries
to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work.
If
this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
or
to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in
the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
