Saturday, 26 December 2009
As 2009 draws to a close, it’s time to look back at the lessons
the year has offered us. Lessons we should all learn by heart,
lessons that will be helpful to us all in every aspect of life. It
has been one hell of a year. With all that’s happened, it has been
rather difficult to decide which to include. So after much
deliberation, I present to you the Top Ten Lessons Of 2009.
Lesson Number 1 – We are a really cool nat… coun…
city.
The number one ranking (in terms
of silliness) Minister in Singapore, our very own Law guy Mr.
Shanmugam. In an attempt to convince those in attendance at the New
York State Bar Association Dialogue that Singapore’s governance is
fine and dandy, the good minister renounces us as a country,
referring to us instead as a “city”.
“This is where most people make a mistake…I have tried to
explain that we are different. We are a city. We are not a
country,”
Be proud, Singaporeans. Singapore, a mere city, gets to play in
the World Cup qualifiers while New York, THE city, doesn’t. How rad
are we? Very, very, apparently.
It is also quite an honour that we are being mentioned and
ranked on the indexes of FIFA, RWB, WFPI, API, the UN and countless
other associations and organizations, which have recognized that
even as a city, we’re awesome enough to be ranked alongside real
countries. I mean, come on. You have to be proud now.
Lesson Number 2 – Keep our streets safe. Support the
death penalty.
We’ve all talked about how the
mainstream media in Singapore sometimes do not cover certain
stories they feel will cause public unrest. One such example is the
story of convicted drug trafficker Yong Vui Kong. The boy, a 19
year old Malaysian, was found guilty of trafficking 47 g of heroin
and sentenced to death. Long story short, his lawyer, M Ravi, has
somehow managed to obtain a time extension for Vui Kong to appeal
his sentence.
The government appears extremely reluctant to deliver a lighter
sentence to Yong despite him being a first time offender. What
possible reason could they have for wanting to end the life of a
boy who, by the looks of it, made a few bad decisions? Could it be
because he’s Malaysian? Could it be because he’s not as good
looking as our ministers? It seems like he is being made an example
of, to prove that Singapore has a no-tolerance policy for drug
traffickers. It works, doesn’t it? Just look at how vandalism and
road sign thefts have completely screeched to a halt after the
caning of Michael Fay.
Lesson Number 3 – Can’t afford a home? Don’t complain,
your country’s on the right track!
“If they have confidence in the
country and support the Government, then prices ‘must go up’ as
they have every year since 1965”. Those are the words of Mr MM,
while addressing the prices of HDB flats, which have hit an all
time high this year. He also says something about the “country
going up or down, economy going down, income going down,
unemployment going up, and property values going down”. You forgot
to mention intelligence quotients, sir. IQ is also going way, way
down.
First, we had “Get married if you want to buy a flat”. Then came
“Racial Ratio (try saying that real quickly) in every block”. Now
we have “HDB flats are very affordable”. I have absolutely no doubt
at all that these are words from extremely wise men.
The way things are going, by the year 2050, Singaporeans will
all be married by 21, living in HDB flats with no furniture, no
food and no utilities (still able to afford the flat itself, just
not the additional, redundant stuff like beds, lights and water),
BUT at least they’ll have lots of friends of different races.
Lesson Number 4 – Money can buy you everything.
Everything but brains.
The name “Ris Low” will be
remembered for generations to come. After all, she is Miss
Community Ambassadress, Miss Lumiere Ambassadress, Miss Best
Dressed, Miss Dazzling Eyes, Miss Photogenic, Miss Crowning Glory,
and Miss Best in Catwalk of 2009. Impressive isn’t it. One thing I
don’t understand is how she hadn’t been discovered prior to the
pageant. I mean, the girl’s obviously talented. She’s an
accomplished shop-lifter, loves “leopard-preens”, looks incredibad
on camera, and my lord can she speak. In fact, her trademark phrase
“Boomz” has been so popular, it has elevated her to almost
cult-hero status. Not since Sylvester Sim have we had such an
influential role model to look up to. Even Sly wasn’t in CNN’s top
25 list.
We had her as our Miss Singapore World 2009 for a mere 2 months,
and I’m sure we were all upset to see her give up her crown. But
fret not, come 2010, the brilliant judges at the pageant will be
sure to replace her with an almost similar, if not better
contestant. She’ll have Ris’ wits, looks, linguistic capabilities
and even her “dazzling eyes”, but she’ll not have enough money to
buy her more than 8 titles!
Lesson Number 5 – You are
either here, or not here.
One of the wisest pieces of knowledge passed down to us this
year came from our Home Affairs Minister, Wong Kan Seng. Almost a
year after Mas Selamat Kastari somehow managed to escape from a
high security prison, Wong, with all the makings of a zen master,
declared that MSK was either still in Singapore, or had already
left.
This one speaks for itself I think. Ohm…
Lesson Number 6 – Temasek Holdings will help you get rid
of those pesky dollar bills anytime.
In what is probably one of the
biggest stories of the year, Temasek Holdings announced a loss in
the value of its assets of more than S$40 billion. I don’t hear
anyone saying “peanuts” so it must be quite an astounding amount.
Ka CHING.
Boy am I glad my Prime Minister’s wife is in charge of the
company that’s owned by our Ministry of Finance but “do not manage
Singapore Citizen’s earnings”. Man, am I happy about losing over
S$40 billion of our country’s money, while still paying our
ministers their deserved salary. Did I mention how proud I was to
have all 30 highest paid politicians in the world come from my
country? That’s right. Obama who?
Anybody who doesn’t understand how one person can lose so much
money in one year, here’s the secret. Substitute her current last
name with her husband’s last name, then get rid of the spacing.
Voila! It all makes sense now! Let’s see how much she’ll lose this
time. Well, as long as she has “no regrets”.
Lesson Number 7 – Need an organ? Visit the
prisons.
C K Tang. I remember walking in
there as a child, experiencing the magic that was pretty saleswomen
and the aroma of cosmetics in the air, and thinking, “One day I’m
going to sell my kidney to the boss”. Some guys apparently beat me
to it. Like everything else, there are rules to organ transplant
procedures. One important rule is that if the patient is suffering
from any sort of ailment that would hinder his recovery or reduce
his life expectancy, a la diabetes, he will not qualify for a
transplant. Somehow, Mr Tang Wee Sung managed to convince, first an
Indonesian villager, then a Cyclops dragon to part with their
precious organs.
In the end, Sulaiman Damanik was sentenced to two weeks in jail
while Tang served two… hours. The committed offence warrants a fine
and a 12 month prison term. Tang also had the last laugh as he
reportedly snagged the Dragon’s kidney.
Singaporeans can learn a few sub lessons from this saga.
Lesson Number 8 – You just got to… cool off
Relax. Calm down. Chill. Cool
off. It all means the same thing. Come the eve of our next polling
day, no mass rallies, door to door visits or public display of
party symbols will be allowed. Unless of course you’re rooting for
the right side.
It’s such a great idea, but why stop there? We deserve a
complete cool off. I suggest we make that day a national holiday.
Mediacorp can shut down their stations for that day, SPH can halt
production of all their publications, we can switch off all our
lights, lock our gates and stay at home for the day. Just imagine.
No TV, newspapers, noise, or lights for the entire day. Just a
calm, cool, relaxing 24 hours of “reflection”.
Lesson Number 9 – When you’re out alone, don’t make any
noise.
The next time you’re out alone
and you see something that doesn’t please you, don’t start yelling.
You could be arrested under the newly amended Public Order Act
which states that you need a permit to be a part of any
“cause-related” activity, regardless of the number of people
involved.
That means if you visit a butcher and decide to scream at him
for advocating the murder of innocent animals, you could be
arrested for inciting social unrest by conducting a cause-related
solo protest.
What an ingenious idea. Who cares if it completely violates
Article 14 of our Constitution? We’re keeping the noise levels down
and our government’s mood up.
Lesson Number 10 – Never won a debate in your life?
Challenge the YPAP and win by default.
A late story, and a long one, but
a very good one nonetheless. Local engineer Alex Tan has been
involved in a spat with the YPAP lately, which ended with him
challenging the YPAP to a public debate. Yet, it doesn’t seem to be
very well-covered by the mainstream media.
The YPAP have not RSVPed on the challenge yet, and it should be
safe to assume that the debate won’t be happening. Which is a real
shame. I’m pretty sure it would’ve been much better than “New
Moon”. Still, the war of words goes on, this time involving
netizens and a grassroots leader from Eunos. Has the YPAP messed up
beyond redemption now? Or will PAP(a) arrive to save the day? It’s
going to be an interesting end to the year.
Happy New Year!
Cheers!
