
Yo ho ho ho time in Somalia! What’s the bestest present kids
dream of in faraway Puntland, where piracy is more than a Disney
marketing gimmick? A supertanker, that’s what. A Saudi supertanker
is the ultimate in stuffed stockings:
100 million gallons of pure crude.
What an Xmas morning that had to be for some sleepy fishing village
on the Somali coast! Little Abdul Jihad goes to sleep dreaming of
sugarplums-dreaming of picking them off from a hundred meters with
his AK—and wakes to find the horizon blotted out by a ship that’s
bigger than the whole village.
Every day I love these Somali pirates more. You know that Lefty
line, “this is what democracy looks like”? Well, this is what Robin
Hood looks like: a bunch of black skeletons swarming over the side
with RPGs. These guys used to be humble fishermen, till the
Taiwanese and Korean trawlers took advantage of the fact that
Somalia has no government to scoop every last sculpin out of the
waters they used to fish. No government means no coast guard, so
who was going to stop them?
Well, karma went out and traded in its fishing boats for a few
fast outboards and some Yemeni guns, and made a career move into
the piracy business. Now they are what the NT would call “fishers
of men.” And getting rich off it, bling and all the nomad girls you
can buy.
So a big hundred million ton shout out to my perps, showin’ your
fat Jack-Sparrow-worshipping kiddies what piracy is all about. Keep
thinking big, boys. Today that supertanker, tomorrow the cruise
ships! All those overfed retirees have relatives who’ll pay big to
see their crumbly old folks back in Arizona! Just a word to the
wise, just a hint for next time! You can’t miss’em, big white ships
that smell like buffet tables and used Depends!
http://exiledonline.com/war-nerd
Well, now we know my pals the Somali pirates are loyal War Nerd
readers. At the end of my column saluting
them for taking on a supertanker, I suggested they go for a
cruise ship next:
“Today that supertanker, tomorrow the cruise ships! All those
overfed retirees have relatives who’ll pay big to see their crumbly
old folks back in Arizona! Just a word to the wise, just a hint for
next time! You can’t miss’em, big white ships that smell like
buffet tables and used Depends!”
Well, they gave it the old Somali college try, according to a
story in
today’s Telegraph.
A couple of Somali pirate boats, those fast open boats they use
for boarding, zoomed toward the Oceana Nautica and fired a few
shots at it by way of saying, “Hi! Why not take a break ashore in
our new Hostage-Cave Hilton?”
The liner outran them, apparently, so it didn’t even get a
chance to use the wonderful hi-tech defense system the article
mentions:
“When threatened, some liners possess long-range acoustic
devices (LRAD), which emit high frequency noise, to deter potential
attackers.”
Oooo, scary! Loud noises! Got those pirates on the running,
begging for mercy: “Please, don’t aim loud noises at me!” Come on,
for God’s sake. Somali pirates probably don’t have that great
hearing to begin with, not after a lifetime of firing heavy weapons
from the backs of pickup trucks. And they’re not sensitive plants,
either, because in a place like that the sensitive types get
planted early. You think they’re going to be deterred by a Brit
recording? Benny Hill screeching, “Ooo, you wicked poi-ruts, go
stick yer fingers in yer ears and go ting-a-ling-a-loo!”
I have a better defense system to suggest to the cruise lines.
It’s called the LRHLD, or “long range hot lead dispenser,” also
known as a heavy machine gun. I would love, totally love, the job
of Secretary of Defense on one of these love boats, sunning on deck
and drinking whatever those tropical drinks are called and every
few days getting the call, “Oh Gary, pirates off the stern!” I’d
sigh and moan and waddle over to the machine gun and turn the
barrel a few degrees and watch the little splashes get closer and
closer to the speedboat until I got full Halo 3 points for it, then
go back to the serious work of tanning. I hereby volunteer for this
hazardous duty. You think my pals the pirates would grudge me a
little sun time on the deck, a little easy money? I don’t; they’re
pros, just like me. They know what time it is.
So you bring the machine gun, I’ll bring the sociopathy and the
trigger finger, and we’ll meet up in the Gulf of Aden.
Or if you don’t like the machine gun idea, I can also yell real
loud and I do a mean Benny Hill.
http://exiledonline.com/war-nerd