Hi da-cheese-freakk,
We used to have quite a few promising poets here (including our
forum moderators), and I feel that you will benefit from their
comments, etc. Unfortunately, most of us are too busy trying to
earn a living.
Frankly, I can’t say that I fully comprehended the content of
the poem, but I did enjoy it. I like the mood that you have set and
to a certain degree, maintain its tone very nicely. However, there
are a few things that didn’t go too well with me.
Firstly, too many clichés, and too abstract for my liking, for
example “shaken dreams”, “heart-strand pinched”, “slient stares”,
“clouds of angst”, etc. Nothing new here. Secondly, your
alliteration and rhyme [Do you have any particular scheme?], in my
opinion are a little overdone. You have also too many modifiers,
they are all over the place. [Way too many for a short poem]
Thirdly, what is your rational for the punctuation? Lastly, I
strongly believe that a good poem needs to have meaningful images,
which I find lacking in your poem.
Keep writing. I sincerely believe you will go
far. 