The Real Man Test
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease,
providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and
poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all
over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do
you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without
regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the
only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business
reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A. If hes your father and at least one of you has a fatal
disease.
B. If youre performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
trapped in this males trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
C. If youre a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided
that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimers disease and
cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is
attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.
One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it
easy-youre watching a football game; shes reading the papers-when
she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks
she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of
not knowing where your relationship is going. She says shes not
asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe
that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you dont want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that youll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you dont want to hurt her by holding out false
hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and
seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and
the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures
and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How
do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her
hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to
her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "Theyre in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that youre not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems
to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty
years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
12. What is the human races single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
How to Score...
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimers
joke.
