Hey
Doc,
I ordered "The
System" this week but I'm in need of an immediate RX.
I was married for a long time to a nut case, my divorce was very
messy, and a mutual friend introduced me to a Beautiful Woman,
Courtney. We hit it off. Courtney was starting a new business,
I agreed to help her and we began to get together. Then I asked her
out. I offered her three choices: two girly ideas and a Sumo
wrestling tournament. She chose Sumo and I knew I had someone
special.
We've had a
wonderful time together: fun dates, great trips, intimacy,
etc.
Because I wanted to be closer to her, I moved to within a couple
miles of her house, which is 40 miles from where I used to live. It
had gotten to the point that I thought about asking Courtney to
marry me in the next year or so. The only lingering doubts I
had were that Courtney might change her mind about our
relationship, how a mixing of families would work, and our
financial situations.
We both have
complicated lives. Courtney shares custody of two children,
one with special needs, is starting a new business which is eating
away at her savings, has been divorced only two years, and has no
more alimony. My own business is winding down and I'm looking for
my next endeavor, which I would like to start before making a
marriage commitment. My kids are older but still need the
support of a parent (they don't see or communicate with their
mother), and they are with me for school holidays. In
addition, I have a nasty alimony situation.
Courtney and I have been in an exclusive relationship for several
months now, but she began to act differently a few weeks ago. I
noticed her holding back and when asked, she said everything was
okay. Finally she admitted that a half a dozen people had
asked her when I was going to propose. (Her first husband had
just gotten engaged and her second husband had just remarried.) I
told her that I loved her, planned on always
being with her, but needed more time to resolve job and alimony
issues.
A couple days later Courtney told me that the commitment issue was
bugging her. She said in a cold, matter-of-fact way, "I didn't
think it would happen, but my heart has closed. It's
over." I was dumbfounded. An argument, a disagreement, an
ultimatum, a cooling down period, okay -- but "my heart has
closed?"
I believe you when you say that a man has one chance with a woman
and when it's done, it's done. That is probably the case here
but I don't know if Courtney did something she will regret and
whether I should leave the door open. I drafted a letter,
which gives me finality. I wrote about how I cherished the
relationship, how hard it is to lose your lover, best friend
and
partner, but
acknowledge that once a heart is closed it does not reopen. I
conclude with I love you. Should I send
it?
Also, I love her kids and they have become
attached to me. I don't want to cause them any
pain. Coach me, Doc!
Sugar Ray - who's
down for the count
Hi Sugar
Ray,
Your first mistake
with Courtney was mixing business and pleasure. You don't bring friends or lovers
into your business, especially in the beginning! This babe
is a stranger to you, pal. You don't even know her. And right out
of the gate you were way too available.
Your next mistake
was giving Courtney a choice about the date you asked her
on. You don't give woman choices - you TELL
her what you're going to do. You say to her "Here's where we're
going and I'll pick you up at eight o'clock." That's it.
To you Psych majors,
giving a woman choices is weak.
You think that
because Courtney chose to watch two huge, fat, nearly naked guys
grappling that it makes her special? You think that enjoying
500-pound men trying to force each other off a mat makes her
unique? Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "Man,
you're grabbing at straws!"
If you moved closer
to Courtney's house after a couple of years, I could understand it.
But you just met this woman. What's wrong with you, Ray? And why
were you thinking of asking Courtney to marry you? You're way, way
ahead of yourself. Let Courtney ask you to get married.
Because it's the WOMAN'S
Interest Level that counts, not yours. Like my cousin Sal
"The Fish" Love says, "It sounds to me like
you're doing all the work." You're helping her out with her
business, you're giving her choices for dates, you're moving close
to her house - so how is this babe chasing you? Dude, you're the
antithesis of Challenge!
If you kept
Courtney's Interest Level in the 90s, you wouldn't have to worry
about your financial situations, and mixing families and whether
she'd change her mind about you. She would overlook all of it if
she were really gone over you.
Guy, you don't have
enough time in with this woman to be pursuing marriage. Until you
get at least two years in with her, you shouldn't even be
thinking about it. And if you have a nasty alimony
situation, whatever you do, don't tell your new love about it! Don't bring up your ex or get negative
about your financial burdens.
That said, with all
of her problems, Courtney sounds like a real prize, let me tell
you. What you're saying is that she's got all kinds of baggage and
she's broke since her alimony ran out. Like my cousin Fast Eddie
Love from East L.A. says, "Maybe she's doing
you a favor by getting rid of you, did you think of
that?"
Now here's something
you'll learn when you commit my book to memory: when the woman
begins to hold back, that means that you're on the way out. And why does she care when you're
going to propose? She has a mouth, doesn't she? Why doesn't
she propose to you? Why is she bringing up what
strangers think and say? Or what her loser exes are doing? And
she's a two-time loser at marriage already, so you two are off to a
really great start!
When Courtney informed you that her
heart had closed, it meant that her Interest Level went from 51% to
49% and you're OUT. IT'S OVER. You
should have gotten my book three years ago so you would have
anticipated and understood all this - that's where you dropped the
ball, cowboy.
Why would Courtney
regret what she did when she doesn't care about you? It doesn't
make a lick of sense, Ray. People regret things when they
like you. Courtney doesn't like you anymore romantically,
which means she doesn't regret a thing. Besides, like my cousin
Brother Love down in Watts says, "She's
already on the lookout for the next guy since
her alimony is gone."
The letter you wrote
for "finality" is called BEGGING. Begging lowers Interest Level even
more. Writing a love letter to someone
you're already on the outs with is a waste of
time. You ought to think about your own pride, if you have any
left. And by the way, you don't say, "I love
you" to a woman. So don't send the letter. Throw it in the
fireplace and start a fire instead. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, "Your fireplace will be warmer
than this wench's heart."
Courtney's kids have
nothing whatsoever to do with her Interest Level, so forget them.
She doesn't care if you cause them pain since she's dumping you, so
why should you care?
Remember, guys: once
a woman closes her heart, you're finished.