Hey Doc,
I'm really clueless as to what I should do about the situation I'm
in.
I was with Kayla for one
month plus. We had an okay time, we enjoyed each other's company,
and we both said I love you to each other.
She was my second girlfriend, while I'm Kayla's first boyfriend. We
talked about my ex. Kayla was shocked that I was in a
seven-plus-year relationship that I ended not too long ago, but she
was able to handle this part of my past and we got closer. She told
me that at least we're sharing, which helps to build
intimacy.
Well, the bad news is that I'm actually married to my ex. I
recently told Kayla the truth and that I would be finalizing my
divorce in the next few months. But she's afraid of my emotional
baggage and how being married will affect us in the future. I
assured her that it would not affect me negatively and that I have
moved on. I'm confident that I can have a new relationship that is
fruitful and can last. Kayla now says that she cannot accept the
fact that I was married before and she minds that I started a
relationship with her while I was still married. She feels that she
needs time to think and we agreed that it would better that we
remain friends, which kind of sucks. Deep down, I feel that Kayla
is gone.
The worst part of all this is that we are work colleagues. Kayla is
kind of withdrawn, and I can't stop feeling and looking sad. She
does not initiate any conversation with me. She'll smile and
respond if I talk to her, but it is not spontaneous or enjoyable.
It seems that she does not want to be reminded of me and has
stopped using the phone I gave her too.
I'm at a loss as to what I
should do now. I really want Kayla back. Doc,
please coach me and give me some hope.
Nils - who feels unfairly
treated
Hi Nils,
First off, let me get this
straight. After only 30 days you're actually saying, "I
love you" to a babe? Dude, -- you're not supposed to ever
tell a woman "I love you." It's the
antithesis of Challenge. And by the way, from what
you're telling me, it's no surprise whatsoever that neither of you
have dated much!
Why should Kayla be shocked
that you were in a seven-day, or seven-month, or seven-year
relationship? What's the big deal? Your soon-to-be ex-wife is
already gone, right? The
point is this: all of Kayla's professed shock that you're married
is just an excuse for low Interest Level. And she was
going to mention that low interest in one way or another at some
point later anyway. When she said "at least we're sharing,"
it sounds like Kayla was thinking that she wasn't all that excited
about being with you and that she was thinking of something else
that could be better - like another man and another
relationship!
All of Kayla's concern about
you being married is really the second reason she wants to
put distance between the two of you. Like I said, she has low
interest in you, so she has to concoct some phony rationale for why
you can't be together. Even if what you're saying is true - that
you have no baggage from your marriage and that you're ready to
move on - she's not going to believe you because her interest in
you is so weak. To you
Psych majors, when a woman has low interest in you, it's going to
have a ripple effect. In other words, it's going to affect
everything that happens between the two of you.
That said, Kayla's
absolutely right that you started a relationship with her while you
were still married, kept her in the dark about it, and it was
wrong. You should have told her that you'd filed the divorce papers
and everything would be wrapped up in 60 days. Like my cousin Rabbi
Love says, "The reality is that you shouldn't
date while you're still married." You have to wait until the legal
proceedings are completely finished before you start seriously
seeing a woman. But of course, like most men, you're rushing
everything because you don't know how to be on your own for more
than three seconds.
Sadly, Nils, you're on the
money -- Kayla is gone. And when you've been dumped, women
always hand you that stuff about being "friends," which means
absolutely NOTHING. "Let's just be friends" is actually Womanese
for "I'm never going to talk to you again for the rest of my
life!"
Since you and Kayla are work
colleagues, now you'll get to face her every single day. Really
cool, Nils! That should be loads of fun! And why are you moping
around? Put on a happy face and start hustling other women -- but
just make sure you get your divorce papers first, of
course!
Your interactions with Kayla
from now on are not going to be enjoyable because you withheld
information from her - in a sense; you lied to her by omission --
when you went out with her. No wonder she's distant and feels let
down. I don't blame her. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "Let's face it, man -- you're a liar and a
sneak." Women really hate liars and sneaks,
Nils.
You gave a woman a phone
after going out with her for a month? What are you doing,
keeping tabs on her already? You don't have "The System," I can see
that, my friend!
Guy, you have absolutely
zero hope with this babe. You screwed this up from the very
beginning, you made a lot of mistakes, and you don't have my
program memorized. When you don't memorize "The System," these are
the consequences. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "When you don't know what
you're doing, you get to face a girl that you like at work for the
rest of your life until one of you quits or she runs off with the
boss."
Remember, guys: women don't
like dating married men