Hey Doc,
First of all, let me compliment you on your incredible contribution
to mankind's dating skills. I've been an avid follower of "The
System" for years now, and it's paid off massively. I feel I have
built a good intuitive understanding of your principles, and
usually can apply them without thinking. Except that now I find
myself in a rather peculiar situation in which I can't really
figure out what to do.
I'm a 30-year old professional in New York, and spent the summer
doing a project in our Paris office. There I met Isabelle, a French
colleague who was on my team. She is a beautiful, extremely smart,
very independent woman. She's also funny and has a Flexible, Giving
personality. We spent a lot of time together and had a great
connection. From her body language and overall behavior I could
sense that she liked me as well, so I could have easily asked her
out on a date. However, I knew I'd be back in New York after the
summer, and since I don't believe in long-distance relationships, I
didn't ask her out.
The project I did in Paris was successful, and I will be relocating
there next summer. Since I really dig Isabelle and I think we could
be a fantastic fit, I would love to maximize
my chances of winning her over then. Obviously, in the meantime,
I'm not going to let my interest in her stop me from dating women
in New York. But I do want to make sure to make her as excited as
possible about the prospect of dating me when I'm back in
Paris.
I've been in Paris twice since, and looked up Isabelle on both
occasions. I kept everything light and funny, and it felt like we
were on a date (even though we weren't). We briefly talked about
the "special connection" we had and I said that I enjoyed her
company and that maybe one day we could have a great relationship.
I realized afterwards that this was probably very much
anti-Challenge. Did I make a terrible mistake here, Doc?
In a few weeks, Isabelle is coming to New York to visit for a few
days, before flying elsewhere for business. (She suggested the
visit herself.) She's staying for two days, which seems like an
awful lot of time to fill. I'm also not sure how I can come across
as a Challenge in this situation. Spending two full days
exclusively with her might make me look too available. On the other
hand, leaving her on her own for extended periods of time knowing
that she's in New York to visit me would be rude. I've thought
about asking her to join me for a dinner party with friends, but
that would be like a group date, and I know you don't like that.
Also, should I let her stay at my place (which might look too
eager) or suggest she stay at a hotel (which might seem unwelcoming
and even rude)?
This is such an unusual
situation that I don't see how I can best apply "The System" to it.
But Isabelle is fantastic, and I don't want to ruin my chances of
dating her when I'm full time in Paris.
Ferdy - who wants to apply "The
System" all the time
Hi Ferdy,
Let me ask you something.
You're just working a job with Isabelle and you're trying to tell
me that in a romantic relationship she's Giving and
Flexible? How would you know? You don't have enough time in
with her to make that judgment. You don't have any time in with
this girl at all, really, and so you don't know anything about her.
It's one thing to read Interest Level, but how could you possibly
evaluate what she'd be like in a romantic relationship? It's not
possible. Frankly, it's
impossible.
You should have asked Isabelle
out on a date when you were in Paris. It might have been the last
date you had with her, granted, but it wouldn't have made any
difference. If you took her out, like my cousin General
Love says, "At least you would have been on
her radar." You don't really know where you are with her. Anything
you think is just guesswork.
But here's the bigger problem
looming ahead of you. If you get something going with Isabelle,
you're an American and she's French. And this is potentially a huge
obstacle, even if you did happen fall in love
with each other. Are you going to move to France? Is Isabelle going
to move to America? Why start this up in the first
place?
The reality of the situation is
that when you went back to Paris, you were on a date with Isabelle.
Why are you saying it wasn't a date? And like my cousin Sal "The
Fish" Love says, "Hey man, I hope you kissed
her when the date was over!"
When you told Isabelle that you
hoped one day the two of you would have a great relationship, you
got a big, huge "F" in Challenge. You tell me that you read "The
System" and then you went and talked about the future with a babe
who's not even an American citizen? You blew it badly here, Ferdy.
And one more thing - you came on heavy with her and you two aren't
even dating! What were you thinking? So yes, what you did was
anti-Challenge, and yes, you did make a huge mistake - times
10!
It's great that you had
incoming interest from Isabelle when she invited herself to the Big
Apple. But where's it going? What you're really cultivating here
is a long-distance relationship. This is a NO-NO. Are you
sure you read my book? Unless Isabelle wants to get a green card
and move to America, you're frittering away your time. What if your
company decides that they don't want you to move to Paris after
all? What if Isabelle decides she could never leave France? Like
the great Doctor Freud once said, "This is all a big illusion in
your mind."
Two days is not a great amount
of time to fill when Isabelle gets to New York. You can be a
Challenge by NOT talking about the future and how you're going to
have the possibility of a long-term relationship like you did
before. So keep it light and funny, and don't promise her the store
before you know what's happening. Spending only two days in New
York with Isabelle will not make you look too available - there's
not enough time as long as you keep your mouth shut. It's not like
you're spending 10 days together. And besides, she's coming across
the Atlantic to see you. Show her New York and have a good time and
make her laugh. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "She'll be gone before you know
it." And by the way, no
group dates. So forget the dinner party.
You're not going to bring up
the subject of where Isabelle is staying until she asks where the
good hotels are. You don't want her staying at your place because
it's much too quick and will destroy all remnants of Challenge. So
put Isabelle in a hotel close to your place and leave it
that.
This is not an unusual
situation at all, Ferdy. It's actually very simple. What you have is a girl from another
country who you're going to spend time with and she's going to end
up not moving here. When you're done with your work
overseas, you'll end up back in America and she'll stay in France
and you'll be back to square one.
Remember, guys: if she's not
citizen of your country, you're wasting your
time.