Why you may lose that loving feeling after tying the
knot
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dating couples whose dreams include marriage would do well to step
back and reflect upon the type of support they'll need from their
partners when they cross the threshold, a new Northwestern
University study suggests.
Will the partner who supports your hopes and aspirations while you
are dating also help you fulfill important responsibilities and
obligations that come with marriage? The answer to that question
could make a difference in how satisfied you are after tying the
knot.
Believing a partner is there to help you grow into the person you
aspire to be predicted higher relationship satisfaction for both
dating and married couples, the study showed. But the belief that
your partner helps you live up to your responsibilities and uphold
your commitments only predicted higher relationship satisfaction
after marriage.
For dating couples, the relationship itself tends to revolve around
whether things are moving forward. Happiness with a partner depends
on whether the relationship will grow into something more, whether
a partner will support the dreams the other eventually hopes to
achieve.
For married couples, the feeling that their partners are helping
them to advance their relationships and realize their ideal
achievements is still important. But the relationships of married
couples, now more interconnected both practically and
psychologically, tend to revolve around upholding the commitment
made to their partners. Unlike dating couples, married couples also
put a high premium on their partners' support of whatever they
determine to be necessary obligations.
"In other words, the feelings of being loved and supported that
people use to judge who makes a good girlfriend or boyfriend may
not be completely trustworthy in deciding who makes a good husband
or wife," said Daniel Molden, assistant professor of psychology at
Northwestern and lead author of the study. "Those feelings may only
partially capture the emotions that will determine your
satisfaction with the person you marry."
The findings, Molden said, could be important in explaining why so
many marriages fall apart.
The study, which will be published in the July issue of
Psychological Science, included 92 heterosexual dating couples and
77 married couples. They completed a battery of questionnaires that
included an assessment of how much they thought their partner
understood and supported both the hopes and responsibilities they
had set for themselves. To measure how different types of perceived
support were related to happiness with the relationship, couples
also completed well-validated measures of satisfaction, intimacy
and trust.
By identifying different ways in which people feel supported by
their partners, the new Northwestern study goes beyond past work to
show that support for maintaining perceived responsibilities seems
to be important for satisfaction only after marriage.
The study also showed that different types of perceived support
predicted differences in people's overall satisfaction with their
lives.
"People planning to get married should think about not only how
their partners support what they hope to achieve but also about how
their partners support what they feel obligated to accomplish,"
Molden said. "We could end up with both happier marriages and more
satisfied people in general."
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Northwestern University
Thanks to Northwestern University for this article.