The Enigma: “You don’t know me.” Is he married?
On drugs? In the witness protection program? The Enigma disappears
more often than David Copperfield, and his escape skills would give
Houdini an inferiority complex. He’ll stand you up. He’ll break
dates by way of last minute e-mails. He won’t answer his phone, and
he isn’t too conscientious about voice mail, either. Then he’ll
surface bearing tales of mishap and misfortune that are just too
strange to be made up. But trust me: This guy is a better plot
stylist than Stephen King. You might never know whether your Enigma
is married or just juggling four girlfriends, but it really doesn’t
matter. The one thing you can be certain of is that he’s a waste of
your valuable time.
The Businessman: “Wow, that was one expensive
$20 dinner!” No woman over 18 will be surprised to hear that every
man’s first objective in dating is to obtain sex. The
“I-pay-for-dinner-and-a-movie-and-you-put-out” refrain is a
chestnut. What sets the Businessman apart is his straightforward
approach to the transaction. He doesn't dance coyly around the
subject, plying you with flowers, compliments, and allusions to a
future together. He simply makes his pass, and, when you’ve moved
his hands, smiled sweetly and said “no,” he remonstrates with you
over your lack of gratitude for his $30 investment in you. With a
sad shake of his head, he admits he won't be able to continue
dating you if there isn’t something in it for him. N.B.: Preempt
the Businessman’s strategy by always going Dutch.
The Wily Rabbit: “Pant ... pant ...” The Wily
Rabbit is rabid about copulation, and it makes no difference to him
who picks up the check. A Wily Rabbit takes the traditional
flowers-and-chocolate route to obtaining sex, but he takes it a
step further. He’s creepily good at analyzing a woman and divining
what she seeks in a man. Then he slithers and squirms his way into
that mold, even if it takes a shoehorn, a crowbar and a whole can
of WD-40. He’ll flatter you and pretend to share your interests.
He’ll appeal to your sympathy. He’ll show off his possessions and
brag about his career, maybe even pretend to pressure you for a
commitment. The Wily Rabbit has a weakness, though: He’s too proud
of his superhuman sex drive to ever hold it completely in check.
His lewd “compliments” about your body parts, and his casually
lurid conversation about past liaisons are completely out of
character with the charming illusion he’s trying to construct. If,
after a couple of dates, the Wily Rabbit hasn’t managed to charm
the clothes off you, he’ll hop away in search of females more
compliant. But don’t be surprised to hear from him again, next time
he's between conquests. After all, the one that got away is
perennially irresistible.
