Parents, don't push kids over the edge
A Straits Times report last week said that suicides among young
children here had dropped significantly in the past few
years.
None occurred in the first 10 months of last year.
Statistics show that in 2000 and 2001, Singapore had one of the
highest child suicide rates in the world - with six children
between the ages of 10 and 14 taking their lives each year.
Doctors attribute falling suicide rates to increasing awareness
among parents and teachers of emotional distress in children.
A study by psychiatrists here, of 2,000 schoolchildren in 2003 and
2004, examined which children were most at risk of mental
illness.
The study points to one thing: that distress over falling short of
their parents' or teachers' expectations can push vulnerable kids
over the edge, precipitating breakdowns, depression and even
attempts at suicide.
A Singapore mother who walked into her daughter's room one day,
just before the girl's final examinations, witnessed a disturbing
spectacle that left her badly shaken.
Her teenage daughter had emptied a bottle of glue over her own
head. She was furiously rubbing one of her textbooks over her head
and repeating to herself, 'Get in, get in, get in.'
Exam stress
The girl was hospitalised and Raffles Hospital psychologist Danny
Ng, who treated her later, said it was among the more extreme cases
of examination stress he had seen.
Mr Ng said the girl's parents were also highly distressed.
'I remember the father telling me with tears in his eyes, 'I just
want my daughter back, I don't really care about the exams',' said
Mr Ng.
As the new school year begins, parents have the opportunity to
forge relationships with their children that can help them
withstand the demands of academic excellence, peer pressure and
intense competition in school.
Mr Ng said one of the key problems is the Asian emphasis on
education as a means to success.
'It is important for the child to know that academic performance is
not tied to love from their parents,' he said.
But for many children, this is the equation that causes stress and
anxiety.
Mr Ng suggests three ways in which parents can redefine their
expectations.
View education as a marathon.
'Think long term and you will see that it's better to motivate them
from within, rather than from outside, with threats and so
on.'
Create a sense of ownership and passion for learning.
'This also takes longer. If you take a profile of scholars, you
will see that they developed a passion and were encouraged to
pursue and explore it.'
Make it clear that academic success is not the only kind of success
that is valuable and that the parents' love is not tied to how the
child performs in school.
Mr Ng, himself a father of two boys, said there is no one size to
fit all when it comes to parenting.
'Each child needs a different approach. We have to tell my older
son to slow down while the younger one needs pressure. Parents need
to find the right buttons for motivation,' he said.
Doctors and experts in child behavioural health agree on one thing
- that it is important for parents to 'know' the child and respond
accordingly.
However, there are cases where the best of parents are left
perplexed by a child's increasing anxiety or perfectionism.
Dr Clarice Hong, a child psychiatrist at Raffles Hospital, pointed
out that some children are innate worriers and that there is a
perfectionistic personality that has nothing to do with parents at
all.
'Particularly in young girls, this often manifests as an eating
disorder,' she said.
Dr Hong often sees children suffering from anxiety that causes them
to blank out during examinations.
'It's not that these children are lazy or not working hard. Their
anxiety is so great that they genuinely cannot function. They need
help,' she said.
Mr Ng said common symptoms of stress among children include talking
and muttering to themselves constantly, insomnia, panic attacks and
breathing difficulties.
In such cases, parents are also advised to reframe expectations of
their child, and to emphasise that the child has strengths that are
not necessarily academic in nature.
'When parents are able to highlight creativity and attributes other
than grades, it can help the child feel more secure,' Dr Hong
said.
More often than not, with both parents working, Dr Hong feels that
some kids fixate on earning good grades as a way of getting
attention and affection.
Child psychiatrist Daniel Fung thinks people just need to be 'good
enough' parents. The priority, he said, should be to make the child
feel 'worthwhile and loved'.
'This comes from a good and secure relationship that is not based
on external factors; a love that is unconditional,' he said.
However, this does not exclude criticism.
'Children need both these things. But there is good praise and good
criticism and the communication channels should always be open,' he
added.
Good praise lets a child know what he did right and how it makes
the parent feel. Good criticism informs the child what he did
wrong, why it's wrong and how it could have been done
differently.
'Have a conversation. Instead of merely saying 'good boy', explain
why the action was good.
'For instance, you're good because you helped me with my shopping
bags and that allowed me to finish loading the car quickly.'
Another important component, said Dr Fung, is the development of
independence and the capacity to take responsibility.
In fact, Dr Fung advocates that parents engineer a sort of
'successful failure' that kids can overcome and learn that it's not
the end of the world.
'Getting kids involved in sports early is a great way to do this.
Participating in games allows them to fail without huge
consequences. It's of great value,' Dr Fung said.
Research over the last decade has proved the old adage true - that
all work and no play makes for dull children.
Dr Fung is a firm believer in what he calls 'grandmother's
wisdom'.
'There's a lot of talk about spending 'quality' time with your
kids.' he said. 'But all you really need to do is to spend time
with your kids and really get to know them.'