Reason #4: The "Neediness" of Codependence
A man wants to be with a woman that brings something better to his
life, not take away his time, energy, and emotional
"stability".
So when a woman doesn't have much going on for herself in her own
life a few things happen.
First, she focuses on her relationship too much as her source of
happiness or unhappiness.
You can tell when you've done this in your relationships in the
past when you've said things like:
"I can't believe how I didn't hardly ever see
any of my friends while we were together."
...or
"I can't believe I let him control me that way."
...or
"I feel so stupid for wasting so much of my time on our
relationship, when I could have been doing things for me and my
life."
The reality is that no man and no relationship is capable of being
everything to a woman.
And no relationship requires that you sacrifice all your time,
life, and energy for it... no matter how much it seems that
way.
But our relationships can "trick" us into believing that they need
all of our time and attention just to survive.
Not true.
In fact, the way this works is completely COUNTERINTUITIVE.
Often times men leave a woman because they see that she depends too
much on him and has lost her own sources of happiness... and this
not only looks and feels "needy" to a man, but it keeps the woman
from having much to bring into the relationship and add to their
lives together.
I hope reason 4 will be a wake up passage to many
out there who still believe that blaming and finger pointing
actually helps in getting on faster.
Reason #5: "She's Trying To Fix Me..."
Every few weeks or months I come across someone who says or alludes
to the idea that "people don't change."
Wrong.
People often change their state of mind in an instant.
Especially from happy to sad.
Of course, changing perspectives, opinions, or beliefs can take a
bit longer... but these change quickly too.
A man can and will "change" and compromise for a woman.
It's a fact.
I see it all the time where men let go of their "bachelor
lifestyles" for one special woman, and change a ton about their
social lives.
But this only happens when a man has HIS OWN REASONS to
change.
It NEVER works, or lasts, if a man simply tries to change for a
woman, or for the sake of the relationship.
There's a rule I like to use in my life when ever I come to a
situation where I'm trying to align my own desires or goals with
someone else's:
'All motivation is self-interest'
In other words, if you're trying to create a great situation with a
man, you're going to need to understand what HIS REASONS are going
to be for doing the work on his end to make it happen.
But lots of women try and get a man to change by showing a man how
it affects THEM, not him.
This is the exact opposite of understanding that people are
motivated by the things that THEY WANT, and not what others feel
and want.
It takes some maturity to accept that other people (men) have their
own unique way of seeing things and wanting what they want. (to
stay and work things out, or not)
But once you learn to accept these things and start to work with
them instead of against them, life gets a whole lot easier.
And a whole lot more fun.
So those are 5 of
the most common reasons and situations about why
men leave women and relationships.
One of the most important things underlying all these 5 reasons is
the EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE that you create with a man.
I think of the emotional experience that you share with a man in
your relationship as the door through which your relationship will
either open
up and move forward...
Or on the other hand, as the barrier that causes a relationship to
stay shut and go nowhere.
And I look at COMMITMENT as a man and a woman agreeing to open the
door together and walk through it.
But the truth is that men don't COMMIT for the same reasons most
women do.
They don't think about, talk about, or want to walk through the
door the same way most women do.
That's why the "process" by which most men commit is
different.
For most women, there's often a kind of tension and resistance
built into moving forward in a relationship with a man.
And I'm not just talking about the spoken words of that make a
commitment... but about the "emotional commitment" a man has inside
with you.
If a man is deeply committed to you and your relationship on an
emotional level, then any "issues" you run into are just going to
be "bumps in the road" to him. And he'll be confident, comfortable,
open, and secure with you in working
them out.
But if a man ISN'T "emotionally committed" to you, then each and
every little problem is going to cause him to get irritated,
frustrated, and
have him wanting to blame you and withdraw.
Which is, in turn, going to make things much less CERTAIN for
you.
