'Hello Goldilocks,
Thought of you all of last night. Hope you were thinking of
me.
Love u lots, yesterday was great. Tons of love
Magic boy
If this note fell out of your wife's jacket pocket, how would you
feel? And if you found it in her e-mail Inbox?
_
What is infidelity?
Twenty years ago people were sure about what constituted
infidelity. A husband seen in a restaurant with his secretary, pink
lipstick on his collar, strange silent phone calls, unexplained
absences.
Now, with the advent of the Internet age, you don't even have to
leave the comfort of your home for your dalliances. Neither does
your partner or spouse. But does the romantic message in the Inbox
wreak the same kind of havoc as the lipstick on the collar?
Is an Internet affair like the real thing?
Judging by the number of letters from jealous and desperate,
neglected partners to agony columns in magazines and on the
Internet, the answer to this is a resounding & Yes&.
What is it that makes partners jealous and frustrated? Three
things, says Cape Town psychologist, Ilse Pauw. Firstly, feeling
neglected and overlooked by your partner; secondly, having your
partner share intimate details with an outside person and thirdly,
watching your partner's focus switching from your relationship to
one with some idealised online character.
The argument that people use who are involved in online dalliances,
whether explicitly sexual or not, is that they are not real and
that they are not really important to them.
Yet, they tend to react fairly strongly when their real-life
partners demand an end to their cyber affairs. The point is not how
the person involved views or rationalises their situation, but how
the person feels whose life is affected negatively by this.
The end results are the same
And whether your wife is salivating online or is out with an old
boyfriend, your situation is very similar. You are lonely, you feel
your emotional and sexual needs are unmet and you are landed with
the bulk of household chores and babysitting duties.
The attraction of online relationships is that they remove the
difficulties people have with face-to-face communication and also
allow people to recreate themselves in a world of fantasy.
Shy people can become bold and forthright; fat, bald and
unattractive 50-year-olds can become gym instructors with washboard
stomachs and dowdy housewives can be transformed into sex kittens
at the click of a button.
Sexual hang-ups can be overcome as cybersex is a lot less
threatening and intimate than the real thing. You also have the
option to go offline at any time you want to, which is not a
possibility in real life.
It's ironic that we had to build million dollar machines to do
something as natural as sex; says futurist Howard Rheingold. He
also predicts the use of teledildonics & full body sensory
suits which allows lovers to meet in cyberspace and make virtual
long distance love.
So why are they called 'virtual' affairs then?
The word, though, still implies something which is not real even
though it resembles the real thing. But if a spouse leaves a
10-year marriage and children for the perfect online partner,
chances are that the union was about to topple anyway, says Ann
Landers, probably the world's most famous agony aunt.
And generally perfect online partners turn out to be everything but
in real life. They also suffer from bad moods, have halitosis and
insufferable family members, debt and sick children.
What to do if your partner's online affair is driving you
crazy:
- Remember that it is your partne's behaviour, not yours, causing
the problem.
-Stress how your partner's behaviour is making you feel.
Concentrate on your feelings
-Constant nagging and recriminations will just serve the purpose of
making the online partner appear more attractive
-Don't try and get even by getting yourself an online partner it
will only give your partner more reason to continue with hers
-Don't let your partner minimise your feelings of anger and
jealousy by insisting that you are overreacting
-Insist that you share the same e-mail address, as this will limit
the lascivious nature of his or her e-mails
-If all else fails, you can always get online yourself and chat
with magic boy yourself.
-It is possible that she does not even know that you exist. A few
hard facts about Goldilocks might serve to dampen his
fervour.
If your partner is completely unable to comprehend your point of
view, it might be time to hit the road and find someone who will
have a real relationship with you.