Getting Dumped
Its happens to us all from time to time and it is the bad part
about dating. Getting dumped is about someone who you spent time
with who doesn't want a close relationship anymore. On almost all
occasions, when you get dumped, it comes as a surprise, a nasty
surprise. Looking back you think to yourself, well I could see that
coming really. But at the time, you were not prepared.
On almost every occasion you get dumped, the person who has dumped
you has been thinking of doing it for longer than you
imagine.
It appears they suddenly dumped you after an argument or some minor
incident but actually, they have been playing the scenario out in
their heads for quite a while.
When people spontaneously try and dump you, they make a hash of it.
It goes wrong.
If someone has practiced the scenario they won't be swayed and will
try and convince you to see life from their point of view. Which is
dreadful.
Being dumped usually happens when you least expect it and its
possible that you were almost dumped a week or two earlier when
your other half went through the motions but didn't actually quite
have the nerve to see things through. It was almost like a Practise
session.
Then when it finally does come, its gentle and firm and clear. This
person doesn't want to be with you anymore. They are detached when
they speak because they need to be.
They have to detach themselves from emotion not because they don't
have any feelings, but because this is what it takes to walk
away.
The person who is dumping you has temporarily learned to cope with
shutting feelings out so that they can deal with saying
good-bye.
To be honest though, their emotional state may be fraught but it is
backed up by a sense of escape and release and so they are feeling
very different emotions from you.
They are feeling that they need to get this conversation over and
done with and want you to accept the situation as gracefully as
possible.
Certainly the person dumping you is being heartless in some ways
and they don't have your interests at heart, only their own, which
is why they often try and sugar coat the situation by telling you
how your future will be so positive without them and how they are a
negative influence on you and the worst two of the lot, "you
deserve better than me" and "shall we be good friends".
Both of those lines are cheap, meaningless and sometimes very
shallow. In the same way, telling you that you will continue to
"see" your ex and remain good buddies, is utter nonsense.
The world has just changed for good.
The first thing that springs to mind when you are dumped is just
how ridiculous are the reasons you are given. On almost ALL
occasions, they are not telling you the truth.
Why?
Because ironically they are trying to spare your feelings. Well
now, they have just take away your trust, your faith, your romantic
life in its entirety, even your planned future.
But They are trying to spare your feelings. These people are
bastards, make no mistake.
The amount of lies told to you in one 30 minute period will never
be as many as when you are being dumped.
I hate the leeches who dump you over dinner in a restaurant, or at
a party so that you can say less.
Their hope is damage limitation to try and get away without "having
a scene". I remember one girl, Angela, who dumped me by
email.
That was probably as low as anyone can stoop. I suppose the phone
is as bad, or a note, or through a friend. But remember that most
people are cowards.
I'd always prefer to know the truth.
The one thing that stands out about being dumped more than anything
else, is when one receives no explanation. Oh, you may be given
one, but be sure that isn't the real reason my friends.
No, you will be given the most trivial of reasons, or worse "it's
not you, it's me" Which actually means, "its you".
They simply won't tell you why though, because they are scared. Now
I can argue this is a positive thing because by being scared of
hurting you, there is some semblance of respect still present. And
that has to be positive. However there is no future in having any
further contact with this person and I firmly recommend when
someone walks out of your life, it is for ever. (I know its
different if you have children and I won't address that situation
here).
Now scientists tell us that when you are dumped you undergo almost
exactly the same set of physiological and psychological reactions
as bereavement.
Clearly if you have been seeing someone for 3 weeks and they decide
you are not for them, your feelings are hurt, but nothing more.
But, once a relationship has formed and the person walks out of
your life then that person may as well have died.
Because you will react in the same way.
What I mean but the is is that it is entirely correct and fitting
that you want to lock yourself away for a while, to undergo a
period of mourning. You have to come to terms with what has
happened and that the relationship is finally over.
This in fact can take months or years.
Your friends will provide you with a support infrastructure and
whilst they are well meaning and want you to return to your
positive self, be prepared for it taking some time.
You could start dating again but these dates won't lead to anything
immediately, not until you are psychologically ready.
Personally and privately, I believe that it is only when you are
angry with the person who dumped you, even to the point of hating
them, before you can get over them.
You may think that's too strong, but out of anger often comes
clarity of mind. Still loving them is not the way forward. In years
to come you may respect them and love their memory, but certainly
not now no.
When someone dumps you, they generally mean it and it has taken
them a lot of thinking to go through with it.
So do not hope they will change their mind, they won't. You will
feel betrayed and deceived and you are right.
They played with your feelings. But then everyone has a right to
leave and no one has the right to stay imprisoned in a relationship
they don't want. So it is your own acceptance of the situation that
is the most important thing here.
