I AM inspired by the recent turn of events to start my own
charity. I shall name it the "mr brown fund" or mbf.
However, I had some trouble looking for a good cause, since in
Singapore, many of the charities already have more than one
version.
For example, there are two kidney foundations and two cancer
funds.
So I thought and thought and thought, and finally found a cause
that needed help.
I am going to set up a mr brown Gold Taps Fund (mbGTF).
I think expensive gold toilet taps have got some really bad press
lately, what with the NKF furore and all. As a result, I am worried
that the gold taps will be cast aside for cheaper taps, and then,
these poor gold taps will be left without toilets to service.
My goal is to raise enough funds to help all shunned gold taps in
Singapore find a good home, preferably in the executive toilets of
top CEOs.
I estimate that we will be able to service about 3,000
beneficiaries, no wait, is it 2,000? I have to check.
Do not worry, I will not make the mistakes of others. My Gold Taps
Fund will be a first class organisation. And I do not mean in terms
of the kind of flights my staff and I will travel on. I mean first
class in transparency.
In light of the current call for transparency, my Gold Tap Fund
will lead the way and set a good example. We will be truly
transparent. Our new building will be completely made of glass. The
public will be able to see everything we do.
Even my toilet (shared, of course) will be made of glass. Like the
basin, the bowl and the shower screen. Do not worry, the glass
shower screen will be the budget kind.
For the sake of total disclosure, I will tell you that my salary as
the CEO of Gold Tap Fund is a big fat zero. That may be peanuts to
you, but I assure you, I will be a good caretaker of the fund,
which at the moment stands at 50 cents (my wife donated just to
shut me up, after I kept bugging her to contribute).
Since we are on the topic on peanuts, some people say peanuts are
only fit for monkeys. But peanuts can help reduce heart disease and
cholesterol, and can even fight cancer. So peanuts can be good for
you. However, do stay away from salted peanuts, because too much
salt is bad for your kidneys.
Okay, health sermon over.
I also wish to declare that, yes, my staff and I have access to
chauffeured vehicles to do our jobs.
These large and expensive Mercedes-branded vehicles, driven by
uniformed drivers, will serve us as we traverse the island of
Singapore, in search of gold tap funding.
And to save money, all staff will be given ez-link cards, which
allow them to travel on these chauffeured vehicles at a cheaper
rate. Ever since the fare hike of buses and trains, it only makes
sense to use ez-link instead of coins to travel. We don't want to
spend more money than is necessary to operate our non-profit
organisation.
Actually, it is not just gold taps that need your help.
I have this new Mercedes Benz 200, my personal car, which is a very
poor thing. It is already time to send it for maintenance and road
tax renewal, but because of all the recent hikes in petrol and ERP
charges, I find that I do not have enough money to make it
happen.
So please reach into your heart and donate so that this car will be
roadworthy again. This will be a separate fund from the gold tap
one. Just send me the money by post, cash preferred.
Gold taps are innocent victims of the NKF furore. All they want to
do is to adorn the toilets of the rich and famous.
They should not be shunned, like outcasts of the toilet fittings
community, but given a new lease of life as useful members of
executive toilets and District 11 toilets.
Don't stop giving to charities, be it my Gold Tap Fund or other
worthy causes. There are people out there who need our help, and
unhappy though we may be at recent events, we still need to keep
giving.
If you like, I will attempt to juggle three gold taps while
balancing on a ball, if it can convince you to keep giving to those
who cannot help themselves.
mr brown is the accidental author of a popular website that has
been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since
1997. He is kidding about the charity he is starting so don't send
money. And he owns a Mercedes Benz 200, in his dreams.
