Diary of the Dragon Prince

last SG · 2003-04-12T08:36:30+00:00

This is the last update at this forum. For future diary entries, goto http://www.talkingcock.com/html/index.php or http://forums.delphiforums.com/sammyboymod...

LITTLEREDDOT SG

21 January 2003 (Tuesday) Over breakfast with the family, tears rolled down my face as I read the newspapers. I showed the family the news: 15-year old boy rapes 6-year old cousin.

Father said: Yes, what a prick that boy is.

Mother said: What a jerk!

Wife said: What an arse hole!

Brother said: Why are you crying?

I am crying because of my deprived childhood.

Father said: What deprived? We gave you the best in Singapore. You went to the best school, you were chauffered to school, had the best tuition teachers, had the best holidays, were top of the class every year.

Mother added: Yes, and you were Head Prefect, captain of the debating team and Chairman of the Political Society.

I am deprived because I never knew I could do it at that age. No one told me about the birds and bees until I was thirty years ago. Fifteen wasted years! Ive always thought that everyone chooses their spouse based on academic results. No one taught me that the face and chest are important. And look at what I have ended up with.

Father said: Well, you have certainly made up for lost time. You are such a jerk and an arse hole now. You have surpassed me.

Mother added: And you have been raping the citizens in ways that dad did not even thought of.

As usual, father and mother are wise. I felt much better after being counseled by them. I felt even prouder that I am doing better than father.

Made a note to take my children out from the schools sex education classes. They are too young for that, and it would detract from their studies. What is the world coming to nowadays, I wondered.

Made a note to cancel the credit card that I used to make online payments. That credit card that was on the list recovered by the UK police in a raid on child pornography that has already nabbed pop star Pete Townsend. I wonder if they would believe me if I said I accessed the site to do some research on paedophiles. Better take some safety precautions. Called the dirty old man of the family. Uncle? This is your favourite nephew. Ive misplaced my credit card. Do you mind if I borrow yours?

LITTLEREDDOT SG

Rewindto December 2002

December 2002 Called up Kan Seng. Tiger Cup time. Come over to my house. Also called Hng Kiang (LHK) and Dr. Neo. LHK absolutely loves soccer games as it gives him a chance to celebrate. His way of celebrating is to bury his face into the beehive of Lily.

Called up fathers bookie Ah Long. Odds are heavily in favour of Singapore. I felt confident, as I have had insider information. I was given a personal briefing by Jan Poulsen, the coach of the Lions. He being a highly-paid foreign talent, I had the utmost confidence in him. Jan Poulsen said that the Lions have never been better prepared. My boys are ready, he declared confidently. A semi-final place is a certainty.

I decided to play hard ball and squeeze Ah Longs balls real hard: I bargained for a regular customer discount. Finally plunked down S$100,000 for Singapore to win by 2 goals. I read about how the English tabloids sensationalized English footballers being addicted to gambling. The boy-next-door Michael Owen reported lost Stg30,000 and one Chelsea player lost Stg400,000. Hehe, that is nothing compared to what father and I have been betting. I figured our yearly bets exceed the GDP of many small nations.

Ah Seng turned up, videocam in one hand and a pack of condoms in the other. Where are the Thai girls? he bawled. Honest mistake, I explained to an embarrassed Lily, who had turned red as a beetroot. LHK was also embarrassed, and found the perfect excuse to hide his face in Lilys beehive. Lilys hairdo was already ruined even before the match had started.

Ah Seng also put his bets. He betted on Malaysia to win by 3 goals or more. We stared at him as if he had gone bonkers. Has some Aids virus finally affected his brains, I wondered.

The match started. Ah Seng was not even interested in the game, and started doing blow jobs. He took out his pack of condoms and started making balloons. At the end of the match none of us, except Ah Seng, were laughing as Singapore was thrashed 4-0. Damn, Ah Sengs insider tips are much better than mine. LHK was looking especially glum, as he did not have had a chance to celebrate.

Wife signalled to me and made a slitting motion across her throat, a sign that someone got to pay for this debacle. I grabbed the fruit knife and was about to plunge it into Ah Seng. LHK was terrified and he buried his face. Finally he was happy.

Wife managed to reach me in time and wrestled the knife from me. Not him! Poulsen! she snapped at me.

Ah Seng had fainted from fright and lie motionless on the floor among his balloons. Made a note to recover my S$100,000 by deducting from Jan Poulsens pay. Picked up Ah Sengs mobile and called his bookie. What is your tip for Singapore vs Laos?

LITTLEREDDOT SG

6 February 2003 (Thursday) What a bad start to the new year: 1% GST hike, Pedra Branca, tudung issue resurfaces, RSS Courageous, Columbia, US-Iraq war looming. Surely things cannot get worst, I was thinking.

It did get worst. I received only a $10 ang pow from father on Chinese New Year. Impact of GST he explained.

Then I read the news today: Births in Singapore hit a new low of 40,800 last year due to job insecurity, world uncertainty and the high costs of living. Many commoners cannot afford to have babies.

Finally, some good news! It is about time Singapore has less of such lower-intelligence life forms. Only intelligent and pro-PAP life forms are desired in this little red dot.

I called Clonaid, the company who claimed to have created the first human clone. Brigitte Boisselier, the CEO, said that the first prototype looks good and healthy. It should be, I said, after all, it came from my genes. Told her to get the cloning line moving. I want the first batch of baby dragons to be delivered to our hospitals soon. They will replace all the newborn babies.

While on the line, I asked her to do some minor modifications to my own clone. Please give the clone the eyes of Tom Cruise, the nose of Michael Jackson, the physique of Brock Lesnar, the hair of Brad Pitt, a prick the size of John Holmes and the brains of Albert Einstein. Beauty and brains, I said with glee.

You really want to surprise your wife huh? she said. Boy, will she be surprised. I will tell her to pack her bags and go, cos I will be getting a new trophy wife.

Would you also want a clone for Madam HC? Brigitte asked.

No! No! No! It would be too cruel to the world, I explained to her.

I sat back and gazed dreamily into the distant. Who should be my new wife? Fann Wong? Nah, father will not approve; she did not get straight As in her O levels. Chu Mei Feng? Dont think mother will approve; she does not look chaste enough. Hmm, I actually fancy a married woman who is also a colleague. She looks damn chio wearing the all-white of PAP. I always gets a hard-on whenever she stood up to speak in Parliament. And she is

The phone rang and interrupted my fantasies. It was Clonaids Brigitte. There was a little, er technical, problem, she said. What problem? They got the programming sequence wrong. Would I mind my clone having the eyes of Brad Pitt, the physique of Tom Cruise, the brains of John Holmes, the hair of Brock Lesnar, the nose of Albert Einstein and the prick of Michael Jackson?

LITTLEREDDOT SG

5 February 2003 (Thursday) Important deadline tomorrow. The Economic Restructuring Committee (ERC) must give its recommendations. It has already been one year and my team of million-dollar ministers have been unable to come up with good recommendations. Time to get the experts views. So I logged onto Sammyboy Coffeeshop.

Some of these heartlander forumers do make a lot of sense with their postings. Made a note to call up this AHBENGSONG for a PAP tea party and dialogue session. Either he joins the men in white, or he will be sued left, right and center.

Copied and paste some postings from the forum. Good days work.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

6 February 2003 (Friday) My big day. Presented the ERCs recommendations. The key recommendation was my work: a freeze in CFP contributions for the next two years. The other recommendations were insignificant as they were put up by the other members of the ERC.

Felt very proud of myself. I have single-handedly made Singapore competitive and put economic growth back into Singapore. And I am doing all this for only one million dollars a year. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing it all too cheaply for Singapore.

Wife greeted me when I arrived home. She gave me a hug and kiss which almost caused me to puke. She is also very proud of me. Why dont we celebrate over dinner? Told her I got important urgent work to do, and excused myself. Went straight up to my study and logged onto Sammyboy Coffeeshop. Started defending the ERCs recommendations against the forumers. Damn! That AHBENGSONG is very critical. Very pissed with him. Decided to cancel his invitation to the tea party. Instead, called the ISD to intensify their search and ferret him out. Brand him a JI fundamentalist and throw him into indefinite detention without trial.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

14 February 2003 (Friday) Valentines Day. Told dear wife that I am very busy with meetings the whole day: Iraq crisis, North Korea crisis etc. She remarked that it is funny how I always have emergency meetings on 14 February. She reminded me that we have not had a single Valentines Day together since we were match-made. And I intend to keep this streak going, I thought to myself as I got into the car.

In the car, ran through my appointments for the day. I have breakfast, lunch and dinner meetings. All with the same person: that married chio bu MP colleague of mine, that WIW (woman-in-white). Her husband will just have to have his meals by himself.

Acting on a bomb threat, the Les Amis restaurant at Botanic Gardens was cleared of customers in the morning. Breakfast with WIW was in complete privacy.

Walked into my office and there were a dozen bunch of roses for me. That was gossip fodder for the entire Parliament staff the whole day. Am really pleased with my personal secretary. Had instructed him yesterday to arrange for these flowers to be delivered to me. Nothing beats loving oneself on Valentines Day.

WIW popped over and we had a working lunch inside my office. We spent five minutes reviewing official matters, and the rest of lunch on other matters. Matters-of-the-heart, to be exact.

In the evening, went over to the Beaufort Hotel at Sentosa. Hmm, what do you know, there was also a bomb scare and the restaurant area was cordoned off. Dun understand why citizens complained about living congestion in this little red dot of an island. Over candlelight dinner, we talked about social issues in Singapore, issues like the high divorce rate and the F4 phenomenon. WIW expressed her disgust at the news that a woman could leave her husband for F4. Then she realized the irony of the situation, and looked embarrassed. I added that it was indeed stupid for that woman to do that. If she had left for someone like me, I would understand, but F4she must be out of her mind. By the way, I asked WIW, how does Jerry Lee or Vaness Lee sound to her?

LITTLEREDDOT SG

17 February 2003 (Monday) Dear wife is at it again, she is at that period in the month when she gets moody. When she is moody, she fires people. And I can tell that she is in a real big black mood because she fired 800 workers from PSA.

To reward herself for her good work, she went to do a little shopping. Now the problem is that when she goes shopping when she is moody, she gets impulsive. She splurged $1 million on renovating the corporate office at PSA. She also ended up with two more foreign talent. They came free with the S$1 million bill. They would look nice as scapegoats, the interior designer advised her.

AzRaeL SG

hurry up and skip to the SARS chapters Smile

LITTLEREDDOT SG

25 February 2003 (Tuesday) After dinner, told dear wife that I am working on the Budget, please do not disturb. Locked myself in the study. Chatted on ICQ with WIW (woman in white) for an hour, then surf for another hour. Fell asleep at the desk. Alarm went off at 3:30am. Watched European Champions League football: Juventus vs Man United. Game ended at 5:30am. Won a couple of thousand dollars. Called personal assistant. He was alarmed. Is there anything wrong at such an unearthly hour? Nothing has happened, I said. Just want to let you know I am tired from working on the Budget and will be coming in to the office only in the afternoon.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

26 February 2003 (Wednesday) After dinner, told dear wife that I am still working on the Budget. She looked rather unhappy, so I said I got a present for her. She opened it and inside was a vibrator. Now leave me alone, I said. Did the usual chat and surfing and then fell asleep. Woke up in time for the Ajax vs Arsenal game. Won another couple of thousand dollars. Called personal assistant again at 5:30am.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

27 February 2003 (Thursday) I work best under pressure. Went to the government library and dug up the 1985 budget. Made a copy of the budget and made a few changes. That will do.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

28 February 2003 (Friday) Budget Day. Woman In White gave me encouraging smiles as I presented the budget. Almost gave the game away when I mentioned 1985 instead of 2003. My colleagues put on a show of debating the budget, but it was passed at the end of the day. Pretty satisfied with myself for a good weeks work: got wife a present, won a few thousand dollars, and put Singapore on the road to recovery.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

18 March 2003 (Tuesday) - Bedtime, and there was a lot of heaving, thrashing, grunting and screaming about in bed. Sex-starved wife was trying to pin me down, and I was doing my darn best to break free. With such raw action, who needs WWF or WWE? I was finally locked in a submission hold. Did she had Kurt Angle as her personal trainer? 1-2-3 and it was all over. Wife sat up, smiled a satisfied smile, and lit up a cigarette. I huddled underneath the blanket, sobbing.

The phone rang. Personal assistant picked up the phone. (Yes, he was there in the room, with a seat right next to the ringside, watching my humiliation.) It was the Prime Minister of Spain on the line. I took the phone from his hand, which was stained with his own ejaculation. I told him to put his dick back into his pants and go wash his hands.

Yes. BUSH I said into the phone.

The phone rang again. It was the UK Prime Minister Tony Blair. Yes! BUSH! I exclaimed.

Finally the phone rang again and it was the US President Bush. Yes! Yes! I want it! BUSH! I was in the throes of orgasm, which was something which I did not had a few minutes ago.

You still want my bush? wife asked.

Ignoring the black forest that was in front of my face, I called my stock broker and placed an order to buy US$100 million worth of stocks in the US and European markets.

At that moment, the TV reported that Spain, UK and US have pulled out of passing a resolution at the United Nations. They are going to war with Iraq.

Those phone calls, do they have something to do with that? Wife asked. Come on. Dont beat about the bush. Tell me.

The three of them called to seek my advice and decision. I said. So I told them to BUSH: Beat Up Saddam Hussein.

Wife looked at me with a look that was a mixture of awe, wonder, admiration, amazement and sadness. Her husband, crown prince to a little red dot, was more powerful that she had realized. Her husband is the worlds senior statesman, a counsel to the worlds Presidents and Prime Ministers, the Great Harbinger of Peace, the Liberator of the World. And also the lamest fcuk in the world. Well, I told her, I cant excel in everything, can I?

What a brutal night. I was ravished, made tens of millions of dollars, and started a war. Well, it was merely all in a days (or should it be night?) work for the second most powerful man in the world. I fell asleep dreaming a strange dream. I dreamt that I was being violated on a bed of dollar bills while a war was raging all around me. Screw the world.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

23 March 2003 (Sunday) Watched the US-Iraqi showdown on CNN over lunch. Father is in a bad mood. He had lost money on the war so far. He betted on the wrong day for the commencement of war, he betted on the US seizing Baghdad in just 4 days and he betted that Iraq will unleash chemical weapons. Total loss was about US$100,000.

Minister for Foreign Affairs Yaya Koo Ma came in. He needs special approval from father and I for an immigration application. Is this a very special foreign talent who has three doctorates in life science, father asked? No. Is this another high-flying corporate CEO whom my dear wife has set her lustful eyes on, I asked? No. Is this a first-rate Mandarin teacher from Beijing who will bolster Singapores Chinese majority, mother asked? No. Yaya said this person is an expert in chemistry, nuclear physics, population control and oil exploration and extraction. What a multi-talented person, father said as he signed the approval papers.

The hot-line rang. It was old friend Saddam on the line. He wanted to know what should be his next move. I glanced at the computer screen which was showing stock and currency prices, and then at my portfolio. I still have not yet sold out my highly profitable positions. Keep the Yankees and Brits at bay for a few more days, I told him. Hold them at Umm Qasr and Basra. CNN has been complaining to me that TV viewership is starting to slip because there has been no fighting so far. Thats not good for my CNN stock too. Will do, Saddam said, but can I please ask Bush not to use too much firepower? He does not have enough tomato juice to splatter around. Ill see what I can do, I replied. Saddam said something about needing a good holiday and some sun after this war is over and hung up.

There was breaking news on CNN. The CIA reported that a South-east Asian country has granted refuge to Saddam and that Saddam is preparing to flee Baghdad. Damn those Malaysians or Indonesians, I muttered. Now we will have war at our doorsteps.

The phone rang again. It was the US Ambassador to Singapore. He was raving mad and ranted about Singapore betraying the US, and threatening to cut off all diplomatic ties with Singapore. A horrible thought just entered my head. I ran to the other phone and called my Yaya Foreign Minister. What papers did father just signed, I asked? The immigration papers for a Mr. Al-Jameel Mohammed was the reply. However, he is more commonly known by his alias Saddam Hussein. I called my personal assistant and asked him to book Yaya Koo Ma on the next flight out to Baghdad. Dont worry if the Baghdad airport is closed to landing, I said. Just air-drop him.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

26 March 2003 (Wednesday) Held an emergency meeting with Health Minister Lim HK. LHK wore a face mask and gloves, and never came within 6 feet of me. Time to do something about my bad breath and body odour, I decided.

The number of people infected with SARS continues to rise. Parents are pulling their children out from school, and workers are not going to work. Damn, this is no good for the economic recovery. And there will be less tax revenue.

How many have died, I asked? Ten. Damn! This will create panic. How many, excluding doctors, nurses and civil servants, I asked? Two. Okay, report this number to the media, I instructed. The other eight deaths were reclassified as AIDS-related deaths.

What is the number of people infected, I asked? A few thousand was the reply. What is the best figure you can released to the public, I asked? Less than a hundred was the reply.

Health Minister had the task of facing the media and the public. I made a note to reward him for handling the situation well. His career in the army has helped: he has been trained to understate KIA, WIA, MIA figures in the army, now he is doing the same thing in the health ministry. I decided that his next career move is to become the Minister of Misinformation. Err, I mean Information.

On the way home, I decided to drop by the clinic to visit my WIW. It has been a long, hard day and I felt very tired, I told her. My muscles are aching, and I have got a dry cough. She took my temperature, I had a slight fever. Dont worry, she said, it is just a flu. That was very reassuring. I trusted her. WIW started to turn pale. She excused herself, went to the wash basin and started scrubbing her hands and face. Then she put on a face mask and gloves before coming back. I apologized profusely and promised to eliminate my bad breath and body odour. Will you still love me, I asked? She mumbled something about not being able to love a dead person. But I was not sure I heard her correctly, because of the big throbbing headache that has been building up

P.S. Apologies to those who have been affected by SARS. It is not funny, but dot must diligently and faithfully maintain the diary.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

1 April 2003 (Tuesday) The day has arrived. I have to seize the bull by the tail, strike while the iron is hot. The whole family was at the breakfast table: father, mother, wife, brother, sister-in-law, and my personal secretary. Damn, my personal secretary seems to be following me wherever I go. Doesnt he have a home to stay? Im not sure if this idea of increased security protection during this war period is a good idea. The worst part is that he insists on sleeping in my bedroom. And he uses up the tissues pretty fast.

I have never stood up to father, mother and wife before, but today is the day. Like a condemned man awaiting the electric chair, I stood up and said: I have a new love. I am leaving dear wife.

The whole room was stunned and there was silence for what seems an eternity. Then father burst out laughing. Mother followed. Dear wife rolled onto the floor and laughed until tears flowed.

What a great April Fools joke! father said. This is even better than the anthrax scare which you did last year.

And much better than the bomb scare which you triggered off two year ago mother added.

At that moment Woman In White arrived. She had timed her entrance so that I could reveal to the family who my true love was. This is the one that I really love I said solemnly as I presented WIW to the family.

It was too much for the family. Father was on the floor, clutching his sides. Mother pounded the table with her fists. Brother was giggling away.

Sure, sure. We all love her too. Especially if she has come to check us for the SARS virus dear wife said.

Thats the trouble with my family. They have never taken me seriously before. Damn, and I am already a 40-plus grown-up kid.

Dont forget to take your vitamins father shouted as I stomp out of the house to get to work.

And dinner will be waiting for you mother added.

And I will be waiting for you tonight dear wife whispered as she blew me a kiss.

In the car, WIW looked at me and said: That was not a very good idea of yours to choose 1 April to announce this.

Well, 31 March is the fiscal year-end for the government and the civil service, and you know how I am a stickler for adhering to standards and procedures I retorted.

What an awful start to the new fiscal year.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

3 April 2003 (Thursday) A high-level public affairs committee was convened. The Maritime and Port Authority (MPA) report on the 3 January 2003 collision between anti-submarine patrol vessel RSS Courageous and container ship ANL Indonesia is to be released tomorrow.

MPAs report was, in fact, ready about a month ago. Its findings were that the RSS Courageous was at fault, and this can be traced to the training, or rather, lack of training, of the crew. The investigations also found that the training standards of Navy servicemen were appalling, and that the Minister of Defence, MINDEF and the Chief of Navy have to bear the brunt of the responsibility. Damn, this is too damaging to the careers of many scholars, many of whom I have strategically put in their positions to consolidate my empire. So that report was secretly destroyed and a new report published.

So now, one month later, MPAs official report found that the ANL Indonesia was the one at fault. It should have turned starboard (right) but instead turn port (left), and hit RSS Courageous. Deputy PM and Defence Minister Tony was visibly relieved. He finally removed his two hands from their position at the rear of his buttocks. For more than three months, his hands have been in that CYA (cover-your-arse) posture.

Almost everyone also starting to remove their hands from their buttocks. The Navy Commodore was seen straightening up his posture. For three months, he had assumed a bent-over position as he was being screwed left, right and centre by various parties.

The phone rang and it was for me. It was the Chairman of shipping company ANL. He was briefed on the findings and he was not happy about the result. He mentioned something about their Board meeting tomorrow and that the company was considering taking their business across the causeway to Tanjong Pelapas.

I was torn between defending our innocent Navy men and keeping jobs at the Port. Honour or Money? A Beatles song began to fill my head: In my times of troubles, Father Harry came to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. That caused me to recall the familys decree: Always let any decision to be decided by money.

I re-convened the meeting. The MPA report said that Lt. Chua was under the supervision of Lt. Ng. The MINDEF records said that Lt. Ng was a driving instructor before he was called into National Service, and that co-incidentally Lt. Chua was one of his students. The records also noted that Ms. Chua failed her driving tests four times, and that Lt. Ng has incurred seven driving offences so far.

The decision was easy. As always, when it comes to issues of national security, the decision has always been to choose Money. Who gives a damn about Honour or Integrity anyway? I looked towards Tony and said: Maybe you would like to assume the CYA posture again? And to Navy Commodore I barked out an order: Bend over! The committee burnt the midnight oil re-writing the report.

The next day the MPA report was released. It found that Lt. Ng was wholly responsible for the collision, as he had failed to supervise Lt. Chua. ANL Indonesia was traveling in a straight line, and it was the Navy vessel which had steered left three times into ANL Indonesias course. Lt. Chua was practicing for her driving test, and Lt. Ng was giving her extra tuition. Given the way Singapore drivers drive on the roads, it was not surprising why the RSS Courageous steered in a zig-zag manner.

P.S. With apologies to those who have been affected by the collision.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

10 April 2003 (Thursday) When I stepped into the office, my personal assistant Cary Ball (a foreign talent) asked me whether I had heard the rumours. Yes, I have heard that the US forces have captured Baghdad, and that the SARS situation is worse than reported.

No, no, he corrected me. The talk of the town is the appointment of Dr. Lampar Yeo-ah-yeo NH to the Temasek advisory panel. Apparently he was brought in by dear wife. That is new, I said, but not surprising. After all, dear wife knows Yeo well, and was under him when he was chairman of Singapore Technologies. So why all these rumours?

Thats the problem, Carry Ball said. Hoho Chink was UNDER Yeo at PSA. She was also his laptop. And now they are coming together again at Temasek.

My world collapsed. My head went dizzy, my heart was pounding, and my knees went weak. Cary Ball ran to the radio and turned up the volume. The strains of George Michaels Careless Whisper filled the room. Now this explains all those late-night board meetings, all those week-end company retreats, and all those top-level hush-hush overseas trips.

The phone rang. It was Woman In White. She wanted to see me tonight so that she can give me a full physical SARS examination. I called dear wife and told her that I will not be home for dinner; I have got an all-night high-level meeting on the SARS-situation.

LITTLEREDDOT SG

18 April 2003 (Friday) The SARS situation is not improving. In fact, it appears to be taking a turn for the worse.

Unhealthy Minister Lim has taken a lot of flak for his handling of the SARS situation. The World Health Organization still has not found out that Lim has also been special advisor to China's Health Minister Zhang Wenkang and Beijing mayor Meng Xuenong on the SARS situation. Unhealthy Minister Lims advice to them has been to under-report the number of SARS cases so as not to cause panic in the whole country.

This is making my dynasty look bad. Well, the Unhealthy Minister has served his purpose. Got to make sure that there are new scapegoats in place. Convened an emergency meeting. Just to be safe, the meeting was held via video conferencing instead.

Decided that the doctors would be the best candidates to be scapegoats. To show my impartiality towards the whole bunch, I decided that all of them would be roped in. With the exception of Woman In White (WIW).

Seat warmer Ah Goh will announce the next day a ministerial team to audit hospitals on anti-SARS measures. Senior Minister of State for Transport Cow BW, Dr. Vivian, Dr Balaji and Dr Ng EH were the lucky ones picked.

Someone asked the question as to why I was not leading the frontline in the fight against SARS. I made a note to isolate, contain and defeat that smart alec. He will not be promoted to a million-dollar ministerial post. Ah Goh has been briefed to answer that question. The Prince (that is how he calls me nowadays) is fighting his own SARS problems.

That was not too far from the truth. There was a Super Infector (I suspect it was my personal assistant Cary Ball) who started spreading rumours about WIW and I. He was highly infectious and soon the little red dot of an island developed SARS (Secret Affair Rumours Spreading). Dear wife also appeared to have gotten a whiff of the rumours about and has also become a SARS case (Screaming, Angry, Ranting Spouse).

LITTLEREDDOT SG

28 April 2003 (Monday) Was suddenly summoned home in the middle of work. There was an emergency apparently. Did my pet terrapins went missing?

When I reached home, the Chief Gangsters (a.ka. Men In White) were all there. Father had a thermometer under his tongue. Ah Goh was holding an ear thermometer. Unhealthy Minister Hairdo Lim HK was displaying the ugly side of Singaporean: kiasuism. He had three thermometers: one in his mouth, one under his arm-pit and one sticking out of his anus. The nurses had run out of thermometers. Hairdo Lim offered me one, it was the one from his anus. I declined.

Father was pounding the table and shouting at the MIW. They were literally Men In White, for their faces were as pale as ghosts. Mother is now under quarantine because she may have been in contact with a SARS victim. Father demanded a scapegoat.

One gets to find out ones real friends in times like this. Instantaneously all our fingers pointed to one man: Hairdo Lim. But what to do with him, and how to manage the public relations? Well, Hairdo Lim has done a lot for the family. And he still needs his million-dollar Minister salary.

We decided there and then (who says the government cannot act fast?) to have a Cabinet reshuffle to be announced tomorrow. We decided that Hairdo Lim will take a break (hentak kaki/mark time) to shelter him from mounting public criticism. He will be in Ah Gohs office and will oversee population-related issues such as the greying profile, marriage and procreation and talent recruitment. But his career path remains intact: in the future, he will return to doom Singapore as the Minister for Finance.

A few so-called up-and-coming MIW were quickly promoted to Actsy Mini-stars. It was an odd bunch: there was a cow (Khaw BW) and a hen (Dr. Ng EH) amongst them. Ah well, it has always been an animal farm anyway. All ministers are equal, but some are more equal than the others.

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