English as she is spoke by Phillip Lee
(Streats Friday 25 July 2003)
Some Streats readers, particularly the younger ones, might think we
made an embarrassing mistake in the headline for this column.
Surely the last word must be spoken.
It could well be, but the headline as it is, is not wrong
grammatically. The phrase is sound English but is not used much
these days.
And this is one example why learning English is both a breeze for
those who have mastered it and a vexation for many beginners
because of the languages many and varied exceptions, aberrations
and quirks, in both grammar and pronunciation.
After I wrote a recent column on the need for good grammar as a
prerequisite to speaking good English, and pronouncing words
correctly, two friends sent me the following hilarious and
enlightening piece which I must share with readers.
It is useful for students of the language to recognise that in
every language there are the exceptions to the rules.
I do not know who this author is and I apologise for not
attributing this wonderful piece to him or her. But it is obvious
that the writer wanted this to be shared by all who hold the
English language in awe and others who are convinced it is the most
awful language to learn.
So here goes:
Well begin with a box, and the
plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen and not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldnt the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldnt the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of car is cars, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Some other reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking
English:
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind. For example: If you
have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the
bough on a tree.
Lets face it, English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.
English muffins werent invented in England.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers
dont groce and hammers dont ham?
Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If
you are disgruntled, were you previously gruntled? And what
ungruntled you?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should
be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise
man and a wiseguy are the opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
If dad is pop, how come mom isnt mop?
The writer
can be contacted at [email protected]
