By Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz, Ateneo de Manila University
I have never met a man who didnt want to be loved. But I have
seldom met a man who didnt fear marriage. Something about the
closure seems constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to
understand for what it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes
possible within our lives.
When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make
a mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was
the logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners
became embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I
looked at older couples and saw, at best, mutual tolerance of each
other. I imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering days
and could not imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a
fate. And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who
somehow seemed to glow in each others presence. They seemed really
in love, not just dependent upon each other and tolerant of each
others foibles. It was an astounding sight, and it seemed
impossible.
How, I asked myself, can they have survived so many years of the
sameness, so much irritation at the others habits? What keeps love
alive in them, when most of us seem unable to even stay together,
much less love each other?
The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something
to the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a
bad relationship, even though they both dearly want the
relationship to succeed. It is important to find someone with whom
you can create a good relationship from the outset. Unfortunately,
it is hard to see clearly in the early stages. Sexual hunger draws
you to each other and colors the way you see yourselves together.
It blinds you to the thousands of little things by which
relationships eventually survive or fail.
You need to find a way to see beyond this initial overwhelming
sexual fascination. Some people choose to involve themselves
sexually and ride out the most heated period of sexual attraction
in order to see what is on the other side. This can work, but it
can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others deny the sexual
side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other apart from
their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the presence
of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them from
having any normal perception of what life would be like together.
The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time
friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They
get to know each others laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They
see each other at their worst and at their best. They share time
together before they get swept up into the entangling intimacy of
their sexuality. This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you
fall under the spell of your sexual attraction immediately, you
need to look beyond it for other keys to compatibility.
One of these is laughter. Laughter tells you how much you will
enjoy each others company over the long term. If your laughter
together is good and healthy, and not at the expense of others,
then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter is the
child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can always
surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other, you
can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship
in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships
based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time,
sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you
against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your
relationship can become based on being critical together.
After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a
way you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to
see their relationship as existing only in the space between the
two of them. They find each other endlessly fascinating, and the
overwhelming power of the emotions they are sharing obscures the
outside world. As the relationship ages and grows, the outside
world becomes important again. If your partner treats people or
circumstances in a way you cant accept, you will inevitably come
to grief. Look at the way she cares for others and deals with the
daily affairs of life. If that makes you love her more, your love
will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not respect the
way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the two of
you will not respect each other.
