Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be
selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called
in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the
call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told
me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here
are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE
TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I
am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans.
UDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located an uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now
get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back;
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
sh*t-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
b*tch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my @ss
with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full
of lava-like sh*t to match my damn shirt. At least during the
autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.