From
satirewire.com again. Good piece of humour also.
CASE SETTLED: JUSTICE TO BREAK UP APPLE
FOR TURNING MICROSOFT INTO MONOPOLY
Alternative OS Maker Used Anti-Competitive Practices Against
Itself
Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) Microsoft and the U.S. Justice
Department Friday announced a settlement in their landmark
anti-trust case that calls for the break up of Apple Computer, as
both sides agreed Apple's history of "self-inflicted,
anti-competitive" management practices is primarily to blame for
turning Microsoft into an illegal monopoly.
"We had already won the case, so we were thinking in terms of
penalties, and when you do that, it is imperative that you punish
those most responsible," said Assistant U.S. Attorney General
Charles James. "Well, we couldn't ignore that since its inception,
Apple had numerous opportunities to dominate the operating system
market, but instead, management incompetence and arrogance resulted
in decisions that gave us the Microsoft we know today."
"We believe it's time for Apple to pay for that market
manipulation," he added.
In a press conference supporting the settlement, Microsoft Chairman
Bill Gates tearfully recalled "disturbing, half-blocked memories"
of a young Microsoft's life.
"We never wanted to become a monopoly, but (Apple) pretty much
forced us into it," said an obviously bitter Gates. "Everybody knew
they had the best computer. Everybody knew they had the best
operating system. But what did they do? Time and time again, they
let us win."
"I didn't recognize it at first. I thought they were genuinely
trying," he added. "But when they came out with the Newton, I
should have known they were purposely steering us toward market
domination. I feel... used."
Attorneys general from 18 states, which had originally sought
aggressive penalties against Microsoft, said they were satisfied
with the agreement, and noted that Microsoft likely would have won
on appeal by claiming entrapment.
"We could have punished Microsoft, but that wouldn't have solved
the problem. Apple would still be around to do it all over again,"
said Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal. "No, you can
either penalize the monster, or you can penalize Dr. Frankenstein.
We choose the latter."
Under the agreement, Apple must pay for all of Microsoft's legal
fees, and will be allowed to continue making one only one product.
Reached at Apple's headquarters, CEO Steve Jobs said he had not
decided what product that would be, but was leaning toward the new
iPod MP3 music player, "because we've invested heavily in it, and
it's probably not going to sell."
In the anti-trust case, Microsoft had been charged with using
unfair tactics to crush competition and restrict choice by
manipulating computer manufacturers and consumers into using
Microsoft's operating systems and browsers. None of this would have
happened, Constitutional scholars agreed, if Apple hadn't made "so
many amazingly bad business moves" over the years.
This anti-competitive, pro-Microsoft-monopoly behavior began in the
1980s, when, unlike Microsoft, Apple refused to license its
operating system to other computer makers to build clones. In an
even more disastrous decision, Apple licensed its software to
Microsoft so it could develop applications for the Macintosh
operating system. Not long thereafter, Microsoft came out with its
first Windows product, which looked "remarkably like"
Apple's.
"'Hey Bill, here's the source code to our operating system. But no
cheating!'" quipped Blumenthal. "I think we should shut down Apple
on that move alone."
As the years went by, Apple management's reaction to its steady
decline was to insist that its products would win because they were
better, and to continually charge more for them until, by 1994, it
decided it would allow clones to be built after all. This was
followed by the decision that it would not allow clones to be built
after all, then by a decision that it would allow it, then it
wouldn't, and finally, no one cared.
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