What should I do?

Smallpillow SG

I'm seeing this guy for awhile and he has made sacrifices for me significantly and have me involved in his future life plans. He scrutinises my contacts list of guy friends who likes me and block them out sometimes calling to scold them. He keeps in close contact with my parents and sister selling himself to be someone who loves and will take care of me.

However, I start to hesitate when it comes to settling with him as his honey words become excessive. He is always praising and saying how beautiful, intelligent.. Kind I am etc ... When actually I have not even be working out even gaining weight or doing any grooming.

There was a time when we were chatting he said " if it's a pretty and kind girl I will love her" so I fumed and replied go to them you have plenty of choices! To that, he replied they will not love him.

At that moment I feel he's just using me for physical pleasure and all those excessive praises are to cultivate me to be close to him. He likes to be very generous to his female peers and be a chauffeur to them. Most of them already have boyfriends or husbands. One of them frequently borrow money from him and he lends it to her. It's in the thousands and it's really very hard to think the relationship is pure and no sexual activity is involved. Many times I broke down, I feel insecure why does my boyfriend wants to cultivate and be nice spend his time and resources on other ladies... And making the women shower praises and loves him. Is he cultivating towards the day when he will be needed for them to feel good about sexually? I feel he is trapping me. If I marry him, I will always be so insecure if he is going to make out with other women. There are a few female friends close to him and he says that she likes to be touched by other men. To that, I feel is he being her friend because of the possibilities of sexual activity that is going to happen...or already happen? I don't know.

At end day, I feel he doesn't loves me and eventually he will cheat on me. I really don't think I'm being sensitive or overly suspicious her. All the red lights are there and I'm just attached to him emotionally at heart that it's very hurting to let go. Can someone support me on making the right decision? He is going away from the country for a year for work and he wants to get married before he leaves. What should I do?

There are other guys who likes me but I'm starting to think twice about marriage. I don't seem to know if the guy truly loves me if we are having frequent sex. Or if the guy really loves me he will marry And take care of me without having sex as he doesn't want to hurt me. Does this exist?

Bontakun000 SG

I assume you are looking for answers and not a listening ear. Right? If so, carry on reading while highlighting the bottom portion. If not, stop here.

I cannot answer for ALL guys for that is stereotyping, but as a guy myself, I can tell you that there is a remote possibility such a guy you decribed in red exist, though I have yet to meet one.

As for your original question, all you have to do is to reread what you have written. A woman, under no circumstances, should be coearced into a decision if she herself is unsure. Women pride themselves as having that six sense: use that as a pointer and reassess. No one can decide for you: you have to do it yourself.

Marriage should be considered carefully. Picture yourself 5 to 10 years from now. What is that picture to you?

Bio-Hawk SG

Damn all the b1tches who make a new name to wallow in pity.

What do you have to offer him apart from sex for him to be attracted to you?

Smallpillow SG

Peace solace support company joy love and the restfulness that he can entrust his life with me - said by him. I plan his financial portfolio and activity plans on spreadsheets. I do the usual ... From cooking his favourite meals to buying the things he needs so he doesn't have to make a trip down. Surprising him with what he likes and planning getaway trips. He likes my writings so i place them in an envelope under the pillow for him to read before sleep..

jojobeach SG

Ok. So he is insecure, he needed to guard his turf even tho if means humiliating you in front of your friends.

He is manipulative when he tells you what he thinks he wants you to hear, even tho you know its a bunch of lies.

He needed to secure his place with your family thus he acted the nice guy to impress your family even tho he is not impressing you much with his controlling and unreasonable behavior.

He practice double standard. What applies to you don't apply to him.

He justifies his behavior towards other women and ignore your feelings.

He keeps you by his side because you're the kind of gal who actually tolerate his bull crap.

Are you sure you want to marry a guy like that?

jojobeach SG

You need to understand that your bf has narcissistic tendencies. The relationship is not about the two of u. Its ALL about him.

In this kind of relationship you exist only to serve his needs. There will hardly be two way nurturing. What you can offer is not the most essential in his eyes. Rather it will be about what he can take from you to feed his ego.

jojobeach SG

Now I am not saying you need to stay away from guys like him.

He obviously knows how to get what he wants. To be wanted by a guy can be rather flattering for a gal indeed.

Being in a relationship with that kind of guy can be a real challenge. Gals with a strong and independent personality may be able to handle a guy like him.

If you're a softee who desires someone more considerate and nurturing, then this guy is not right for you. If you continue, you'll only become resentful, hurt, feels unappreciated and unhappy.

So you really need to figure out what you need first before deciding if this guy is right for you.

Smallpillow SG

Jojobeach, thanks. I guess all along I refuse to see and acknowledge the pain, torture and abuse because I'm such a sucker for honey words and flatterings. Thanks for waking me back to reality.

Bio-Hawk SG

Jojobeach, thanks. I guess all along I refuse to see and acknowledge the pain, torture and abuse because I'm such a sucker for honey words and flatterings. Thanks for waking me back to reality.

Yes, you said it best.Sucker for honey words.

sgdiehard SG

you have common friends? and what do they say?

Smallpillow SG

His friends vouch for his character and integrity. Back in jc and university, there are girls who like him but he never take advantage or be with them because he believes that they are not the one and only that he will spend life with.

I feel it's very painful to be with him as he is stubborn and only believes in his reasonings disregarding my opinions with a shrug. For instance, if I were to discuss this with him and hope to work towards a happier relationship he will just brush me aside and says There's no end to refuting each other and I'm just having one of those episodes of blowing my top of my own emotional issues. He will always be around either talking to my parents, my sister and whoever he can build relations When things Are not working well with me. At the end of the day, I have triple work to do. Explaining to my loved ones that hey he's really not the guy he seems to be and your daughter here will suffer big time if I get married to him. What does old folks know anyway. I just want to leave on a jet plane and f to all these attachments.

sgdiehard SG

if the whole world think he is a nice guy, and you don't, you are entitled to your opinion.

If you do not have beautiful memory about him, you do not trust him, you don't feel secure with him, why are there still emotion attached to him?

If you think he is not the guy for you, set him free!

Smallpillow SG

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off get this clear diehard.

jojobeach SG

Of course his friends will vouch for him. That's what friends n family do. But they are not the one to marry him and live with him the rest of their lives.

Do not let anyone except yourself dictate how to live your marital life.

If he is not listening to you now, he won't be after marriage.

I think he still has a lot of growing up to do.

It will be best you speak your mind to him, take a short break and seeif he is willing to work things out on his own will. You cannot force a person to change unless he is willing.

jojobeach SG

He is unfortunately trying to impress and seek approval from those who doesn't matter. Neglecting the one (you) who really matter.

Very common mistake people make. He obviously thinks he can use external pressure to convince you he is the one for you. neglecting the fact that you are your own person and you decide who to marry.. not your friends or family.

Anyway..I attribute this lack of consideration to his immaturity.

Just be assertive and tell him your expectations. If he is unwilling to budge, then he is better off on his own.

Yunhaier SG

You spoke about the possibility of your boyfriend choosing you because of the lack of mutual feelings and availability with other female counterparts. Frankly, it is meaningless to discern the truthfulness of this statement when I reckon that there is deep-seated resentment towards his insidious attempt to construct an unequal power play in the relationship.

It seemed that he has the rights to be ‘generous’ and has regular contacts to his female friends, while he consciously attempts to ‘block out’ your guy friends. It is likely that he is as (or even much more) insecure as you – hence there is a deliberate intention to craft out a system where he wants to gain power through strategic social isolation.

There are a couple of important factors that would have contributed to your confusion:

i) When you shared about your bf affirming you, your inner self reacted violently and concluded that he must been lying. My sense is that your low innate self-worth might likely be more of a culprit; never mind about the fact on why he says what he says, but the point about feeling that you are an unlovable person, capable only of 'retaining' relationship because you exchanged flesh for affection is not something common.

You are what you what because of what you believe yourself to be. And I am really worried what you are feeding your mind with.

ii) I wonder how the circumstances of he 'cheating' on you makes any difference here; what I am hearing right now is how much you don't like about him and not so much about you catching him having an affair. Specifically, he does not appear to fulfill your needs or respect you presently; somehow you see yourself as mere component of his sexual gratification, which has not translated to joint pleasure. Perhaps subconsciously, you reluctantly seek to fulfil his sexual needs because it has become a 'way' for you to keep him near you.

***

I don't think fidelity is something that can be vouched; it's really a matter of choice and a constant reaffirmation to loyalty. A vegetarian might someday decide to eat meat. Hence, eating vegetables yesterday and today does not mean that I cannot choose to eat meat the next day.

[Quote: Smallpillow]

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off...

[/unquote]

I fondly recalled the first law of CloUdism (my little book of my thoughts): "it is we who choose our partners, not the other way around." Nobody can truly stop you from walking away if that is your real intent. Blaming the other party for 'not letting you go' is an form of subconscious projection of not wanting to leave either.

I am not saying that you should or should not leave the relationship; but what I am saying is that we have the power to decide what we want to do with our relationship. And this power does not belong to him, your sister or your mother.

It belongs to you. Solely.

Cheers

Bio-Hawk SG

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off get this clear diehard.

BS! No one can do it.He says good things to you,but you don't trust it. Your insecurity convinces you that he will cheat on you,though he hasn't. So where is the problem, in your mind.

Don't like him,move on and suffer the consequences. Every single one in the world is dispensible.Don't expect a bunch of strangers to tell you what to do.

jojobeach SG

BS! No one can do it.He says good things to you,but you don't trust it. Your insecurity convinces you that he will cheat on you,though he hasn't. So where is the problem, in your mind.

Don't like him,move on and suffer the consequences. Every single one in the world is dispensible.Don't expect a bunch of strangers to tell you what to do.

Bio hawk, has your mommy found you a b-ride yet?

sgdiehard SG

He's the one here who is refusing to let me off get this clear diehard.

so many people here agreeing with you, so many condemn him, but does that help you?

You have to be the one who decide! call it he let you go, or you wake him up from his dream.