Ok the joke’s on me..
We had been casually going out since early months of the year,
and getting along pretty well. Out of ‘fun’ (for lack of better
word), she even became my ‘pseudo-girlfriend’ during the
CNY period when our families were nagging about our
singlehood status.
Sensing a connection, I began to woo her. During the time of
courtship, she might have some residual unresolved past hurts from
her last relationship – which she somewhat managed to resolve or
buried – but that is of little importance. It was very natural, I
read her very well and we enjoyed each other’s company very much.
And when time was ripe, I told her to have faith and take a gamble
with me – that I ask for nothing except for her to be happy.
She agreed and we became an item.
It was fun, romantic and surreal. I’ve been in enough
relationships to say that this is something I never had before. And
somewhere along the way, I lost myself and became that selfish,
insecured and possessive guy; and my expectations from nothing
rocketed to sky-high.
And no, she wasn’t the problem – my fears were unfounded;
probably because I, in my folly, wanted to defend against ‘threats
that weren’t even there’, being jealous of sh!ts that didn’t matter
totally. Not to mention, she’s one hell of an attractive woman and
there were guys circling around her constantly (she fended them
off). I failed to see that her acceptance is the greatest assurance
she could give and finally she left. My petty ways had worn her out
finally.
It had been 3 weeks since ground zero, she had long retrieved
her clothes and belongings from my place, I have past the
depressed/despair stage. And what we have left is the awkwardness
and running-out-of-topics in the conversations that she or I
sometimes initiate, oh yea we are also colleagues.. so not very
cool yea..
I see so much potential in this and through the spilt, I
realized many things about
myself which I resolve to change. She’s one heck of a great girl,
and I hate to simply walk away and leave everything to the wind. I
want to fight for this, but I got nothing to hold on to except the
awkwardness and a ‘friendship’ which isn’t real.
Should I walk? Or should I fight on? I want to brace on, but
how?
Adopting a stance that you cannot upkeep
will only serve to burst into a flame of nothingness somewhere down
the line. You started off with the flirting and causal dating,
which might gave her the impression that you are easy-going,
confident and non-possessive. She probably realized that the price
she is going to pay to remain in this relationship isn't worth the
value in exchange - getting out is probably an easier
option.
Being colleagues certainly complicate the matter a little,
especially when you have to work with her. It is hard to draw
boundary - between professional and personal - and fighting on (in
your definition) might end up a HR issue.
Somehow, you get the sense that this gnawing insecurity is
ruining the potentiality of a good relationship. However, this is
one hell of a devil that is arduous to surmount: you are likely to
have anxious attachment - in which your anxiety unconsciously
starts pumping in the minute you sense your partner is not giving
you the attention, love and expectation that you need. You seek
for anecdotal signs that would suggest (even subtle ones)
that partner do not
love you, even if it sounds illogical when you share them
openly.
You might be able to accept
things logically, but emotionally, it is a hard fight within.
Perhaps seeing this woman as a catalysis to awake your
motivation for self improvements could spur inner change. After
all, when we fail to change our environment, we are challenged to
change ourselves. 
Cheers
