Am I a wife who is asking for trouble?

defiante SG

My husband and I got married only after 1 yr of dating. I feel the decision to get married n to have a kid immediately is a wrong start. We r now into 6th yr of marriage n have 2 kids. We actually dont know each other well.

Lately he is bk to his gaming. As a result, once bk fr work, he is always on his hp or laptop. I feel so lonely. Everyday he plays till 2am n sat he plays till 4am. As a result, I dont get to talk to him much. In fact I feel sian to talk to him cos he will forget anything we talk about. He gets headache v often. So will sleep n I hav to take care if the kids. I m quite sickly myself. After working so long hrs, I also want to play, watch tv. At most I can only do all these for about 30min. Its ok to b so busy but at least he shd help more. How I wish he can b my support. He cant stand anyone crying. So I always cry in the toilet. Yesterday I cried in front of my kids.

I m v tired n lonely. To b fair, he does washing milk bottles daily. N sweep floor once or twice a week. But our place is v dusty n I have sensitive nose so sometimes I cannot wait n will sweep the floor myself. Cupboard also dusty n need to wipe. All of these he dont do n refuse to hire maid n part time helper.

I feel v tired n v unhappy. I know there are many women out there who r worse than me. But I want to know am I childish to want him to spend time with me ? Am I wrong to ask him to sleep when he is playing games till 4am? Is it acceptable for him to scold him cos I ask him to stop playing at 4am? Is it selfish for me to want him to settle housework first like sweep floor before playing? Is it acceptable for him to say that this is a fucked up family?

Am I creatng trouble? That's what he says.

jojobeach SG

No you are not creating trouble. You are just frustrated. Yes you probably thought you married a MAN... but you got yourself a MAN-CHILD instead.

You don't have to let your frustration ruin your happiness in your marital life.

All you need to do is start taking actions. Assert yourself as the Queen of the kingdom.

He seems to be a controlling person, but, since you are the wife, you need to take control

Is he the sole bread winner in the family ?

You don't need his permission to hire a part time maid. Go ahead and hire one.. you are the wife.. you decide what to do and how to run the household.

If you leave every household decision to your husband.. it'll not likely to get done in a timely manner.

Most wives complain about the same thing.. so you are not alone..

men will tell you they'll get it done... just donno when. A lot of wives are indeed very frustrated... so most of them simply not wait for their husband to do anything.

Mens' motto : "if it aint broken, why fix it"... trust me.. their broken means it's all rotted and ready for scrap yard... So if you want something fixed.. the best thing to do is do it yourself, or hire someone to do it immediately.... don't wait for him to be the knight in shiny armor... he's been there done that.. before he married you. he did it to impress you back then... now that you are his wife.. you go do it yourself now.

Sure.. when the help comes and do their job..The husbands will get annoyed.. they will feel like someone stole the thunder from their life.. but simply ignore their wounded ego.

You go do what you need to do.

Get yourself a air purifier to clean the air.. help reduce dust and prevent allergies.

As for his gaming.. the more you telll him not to do.. he will do more..

So give him a gaming pass.. a whole full week... 24/7 non-stop.. Encourage him to play play play.. sit him infront of the pC./game console... serve him food and drinks and put a kids potty beside him and tell him you will dump it out when it gets used. Let him play until he gets a stroke or a heart attack.

On weekends.. let him stay home to play game.. you bring the children out to have fun.. go on a vacation without him.. when you leave the door.. kiss him goodbye and tell him to enjoy his gaming..

He wants to game.. give it to him. Give until it hurts.

Men are like little kids.. some of them do need to be punished.

Yunhaier SG

Am I creatng trouble? That's what he says.

Based on research, on a general level; martial satisfaction tends to dip upon the existence of the couple's first child. It's not rocket science though; with dual income situation and parenthood being an entirely new experience - stress is pretty much the same outcome for most modern Singaporean family. The only difference is that all couples manage this stress differently. Relationships that have superior resilience are often those that spent conscious amount of effort to communicate, negotiate, compromise and empathize during courtship and beyond (some are fortunate to start during marriage and before the relationship totally died on them).

However, because we have not been parents before this phase, our 'methods' of dealing with parenthood are often 'inherited' from what we experienced from our caregivers during our early childhood. Therefore, if your husband's father has limited involvement in his life when he was a child, unless he is an enlightened soul, the probability of him reiterating this social learning is high. It might be worst if his family background is the traditional makeup of housewife mother and sole income father. Though our society has evolved, but our attitude towards family development might not have caught up.

Your love and belonging needs are of great importance to you; you badly want to connect with your husband emotionally so as to justify the reasons for all task related child-rearing roles you have submerged yourself in. Having quality time is simply one way you could feel connected. Hence, I do not see it as 'creating trouble' much more than you having an unsatisfying relationship.

He does seem to exhibit signs of avoidance; he may sense that you are overwhelmed, but may not know the impact of this stress on you. Playing games appears to be a coping mechanism for him and since you don't share the same mechanism as him; crying is your coping stance.

I am not sure; how negotiable is he as a husband? Surely, some structural agreements are required before things escalate out of control.

I) Individual Needs

How can he balance the need for gaming verses the need for household responsibility? Also, how can you balance your need for your husband's affection and your children's need? Surely, he could go play his game if he has swept the floor (if that was your prior agreement) or you could spent one weekend getaway once every two passing months. Whatever the mutual agreement, it HAS to be (i) sustainable - something you can possibly do in long term, (ii) realistic - something that can be done realistically, (iii) accepted - something that must be accepted mutually and agreed.

II) Conflict Management

Suppression of feelings does not solve problems, but only seek to avoid issues. If he is uncomfortable with tears, then since it is not something that you can do it alone, he would need to know what requires him on his part to help you with. Surely, he cannot control your choice to cry (no matter how unconscious it may be), but certainty you know what would help you to feel supported and this needs has to be communicated.

P.S: Seemed to me that he appears to hold stronger power in this relationship. If you need support, you would have to start negotiating and communicating - if it does not come naturally, then learn to take control of your relationship.

Cheers

shirt_less SG

Dear Defiante..

First, we need to know when all these negative feelings happen.

Did all these take place after you gave birth to your 2nd kid?

I have a friend who shared with me the same woes…where the husband only cares about playing games and neglected the housework chores and taking care of the children, and therefore she was often upset.

But later I found out that she suffers from post natal depression.

Everything happens for a reason.

So I am trying to understand the cause of the change in your husband’s behaviour (I assume that he wasn’t like that in the past since you didn;t say so?)

Sometimes, the fact that he chose to be engrossed in his games could be that he is trying to avoid some issues (that is man in general).

Are there other issues in your marital relationship? For example, do you nag at him often? Flare up for the slightest matter? I am not trying to say that you are the trigger, but rather to see things in whole perspective before we can comment.

And if you really suffer from post natal depression, it is best that you consult a doctor first so that your relationship with your husband can be mended.

My feeling is that he is trying to avoid you for reasons that you may know better. Else it is difficult to explain the change in behaviour.

Nicepeople SG

What you and your husband are going through is like a timebomb ready to explode one day. As long as you are feeling like this and he is continuing doing that, things cannot go on as normal. I can empathize what it like. Crying is therapeutic. It is an emotional expression of what you are going through inside you. But emotions must now be processed, and decisions must now be made. How you respond to these emotions and decisions will move us toward restoration the marriage.

Every tear drops mean that you are feeling sad, hurt, angry, but most of all, it demonstrates that you care for the marriage. Hurt and anger are two of the most common emotions upon learning of your spouse undesired behaviours. These are deep and powerful emotions. They can push us to extreme. On the negative aspect of anger and hurt, it will make you go crazy and depress. On the other hand, hurt and anger are healthy emotions. They reveal that you are human and that you care about your marriage relationship. They indicate that you see yourself as a valuable person who has been wrongs. They reveal your concern for rightness and fairness. These emotions need to be processed in a positive way. Initially, crying, weeping, and sobbing are healthy responses to the emotions of hurt and anger. However, the body is limited in how long it can sustain such agony; thus, sessions of weeping must be interspersed with periods of calm.

Expressing verbally your hurt and anger to a friend is a healthy way of processing anger. In the past, I seek counseling. The first few sessions the counselor taught me how to validate my feeling. Here are some examples of “I” statement: “I feel betrayed …I feel hurt …I feel used; I feel taken advantage of … I feel that you don’t love me.” All of these statements reveal my thoughts and feelings about my situation. They are honest, they are not cloaked; they are communicating the deep hurt, pain, and anger which I felt.

Another way of processing your anger and hurt is to share it with a trusted friends. Verbalizing the hurt and anger to another person is a healthy way of working through the anger to a positive resolution. On the other hand, there are many negative responses to anger that complicate the problem. If in your anger you start throwing glasses and dishes, you may not only physically hurt your spouse and are liable for physical abuse. If this is done in the presence of children, you also give them a visual image of a mother out of control. This image is extremely difficult for children to process. Such angry outbursts accompanied by physical threats or actions may land you in jail and further compound your problems. They also alleviate some of the guilt of your spouse; now he can blame you rather than himself because your behaviour has demonstrated that you are an unreasonable, uncontrolled person. Removing his guilt or giving him the opportunity to shift the guilt to you is not a part of the recovery process; it pushed him further toward divorce.

Sometimes the erring spouse will not be willing to go for counseling. Then go alone. Start the process. If he is not willing to deal with the situation, you must deal with your own emotions and your own decisions. You are far more likely to make wise decisions if you get help of someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation. You cannot make someone deal with his problem but you can deal with your problems. The challenge of reality living is to take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions and seek to do the most constructive thing in each of life’s difficult situations. This is the best approach for own mental and spiritual health.

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Renaebaldini SG

I know I am stupid

BotaHead SG

is your in law working if not then maybe u can ask them for help

if both your in law cant help then can u afford a maid

if cannot afford then i think the husband have to help

Tc liu SG

take care of your kids

Llg2178 SG

Perhaps you should just copy and paste what you have written and send it to him via whatsApp or email.

Llg2178 SG

Ways to release your frustration.

1). Write - write it down

2). Talk - talk to someone you trust

3). Punch - throw punches at your cushion

4). Exercise - simple exercises such as walking and cycyling

5). Cry - you will feel better after crying

oldbreadstinks SG

the way I'm reading this, you're suffering from depression.

if you find it hard to broach the topic, find a counselor to talk it out.

just remember it's about feelings and really do share how you feel honestly but don't do personal attacks.

you might want to read this book as well.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

I don't totally agree with the book but one idea it stated was, we may not be able to choose who we fall in love with, but we can choose who we love

Wenyi SG

Find time talk to your husband face to face , must look at his face expression can tell reality.

Going see family marriage counselor for advice. Look this case he lost interest/ loss lack of communication/ loss enjoyment. Try to calm down yourself. Give each other a space, tell him to give in to each other a way of helping out as he is father of 2 kids. Tell him don't become selfish, self-centered.

Take care too go see therapist are u diagnosis depression/ mood swing or anxiety.