I don't know what to do...I am very bad at communicating with
people. I have it everywhere I go basically, at home, at work, and
throughout my life, at school, too. I didn't have that much of a
problem when I was in primary school and kindergarten, in fact I
was a 'leader' type, a lot of friends and 'followers'.
But now, eh, no matter what I say, how I say, nobody hears, and
even if they do, they don't listen, or they totally don't get me at
all. I can ask a question about just A, and people would tell me
the answer to B. And when I repeat myself about the question on A,
they would just continue talking about B like I never said
anything.
I have problems expressing myself (my feelings etc). I have
problems explaining myself (like if something goes wrong). And have
problems wording stuff (like if someone asks me to teach maths,
eng, work stuff or whatever i know). You know those kinds of
loner-types that always get super tongue-tied when they have to say
anything? I'm like that. I'm that, basically.
It boils down to esteem problem. Somewhere along the road, I
changed. A bit of backstory: my parents divorced when I was 6, and
me and a sibling went to my mum.
I was officially diagnosed with hearing impairment when I was
five, both ears. And then now it's like I'm almost deaf....I wear
aids, yes. And no, aids don't help that much.
Because of these things I think I have developed some really
serious problems that I don't know how to seek help for:
1. trust issues - I don't trust people
2. kind of a misanthrope - disappointed in people easily,
disappointed in self. i am not like super super mean to people, am
super nice to people i like and consider friends. But to normal
acquiantances I am very very very cold. So yea..no friends..
3. don't know how to talk cos - cannot hear, - not interested
etc
and I am normal enough that many people are totally unaware that
I have hearing impairment, they just think I 'blur' or weird. I
bluff my way quite easily.. But no EQ. IQ getting low cos I feel
very very depressed, hard to cope with normal life. Much less
work..and in the midst of finding jobs..applied loads..and got a
few interviews coming up. Trying to psych myself to feel better, to
not lisp (cos cannot hear proper, people with this problem tend to
lisp), to feel more confident.
But I feel like is no point living liao..just going through e
motions..and 'sides my ma, feels like there's no one left in the
world for me. She doesn't take care of herself, and she threaten me
that she'll kill herself by imbibing excess alcohol etc..and family
has history of liver failure which my uncle died of and two other
relatives (her sibs) are undergoing intensive treatment for their
liver.
I'm thinking, when she dies, I think will be my chance to say
goodbye too...is so painful living in this world. I am very
logical..so don't need to tell me that don't do this and that, will
hurt people etc. I have gone through all the thought
processes...that's why I'm still here today to type this wall of
text, innit..
And i have to say I don't think myself stupid, nor very clever,
just naive..and simple. Been in normal schools not special needs
schools..although I have allowances made for me by teachers and
principals..but still got through everything with a diploma..so
that's why i say I'm not stupid nor clever..just hardworking...but
now..sibei tired..
Rant over...just wish I can find help..read a lot of self help
books..helping self seem so easy..but when it comes down to it,
very hard. I have this feeling of...everyday I just want to cry,
but cannot, because gotta be strong, if I cry, how to hear
properly? How to think properly?
But my relationships with people is very very very very
bad..coming home feels bad..being at work feels bad..only being
alone feels better but then I start worrying about my future.
To cope with the pain...I eat..but then..got side effects..I
used to escape into the world of books to cope with the pain, but
then my concentration just went off and so I just eat..
Can someone advise pls? I know I shouldn't be doing a lot of
these things..but really so painful. I just want someone to listen
and stuff and help maybe?
I'm seeing a counsellor but then don't seem to help..
its not your probblem. its their problem in communicating.
also nowsadays sg lots of chapalang natuinality people. i fera
one day if call emergency hotline some cheena pinoy or bangladai
answer and you will be already dead before help ever cums
