Firstly, I know it is not my business to intervene. But, I just
can't get the matter out of my mind. Thus, I have written it here,
to seek your views and opinions.
I get to know this person for around a year. In this year, I
must admit that I have not been a true friend, because of the fear
of losing him as a friend, I had not offer my true words of advice,
but just simply agreeing on what he said all this time, knowing
that he is the type of person who refuses to agree that he is
wrong. However, as we know that he is in some financial
difficulties, myself and another friend of his, have been aiding
him in some ways or another. But, it was recently then we realized,
in his dictionary, we were never his friends, because he believes
that friends would not have pay him, and in this world, there are
not such thing such as friends. We pay him to buy his time to spend
it with us, so we are his clients, sort of. Despite our effort to
secure his pride all this time, we felt that our kindness are being
trampled. Although the other friend of his is still in contact with
him, I am not, at least for the time being. This is part 1 of the
story, if you were me, what will you do?
Lately, I have catch up with that friend of his and talked about
the issue.
Since young, his parents had taught him not to trust friends and
in this world, there are no friends, everything is about money.
Around ten years ago, he married this foreign lady, and together
with his foreign mother in law (who happened to have had bad
experience with marriage), they live in a 4-room HDB flat. We do
not know much about his past experiences with his wife, because I
know him for a year, and this friend of his for around four, but we
know he loves his wife very much.
So much so, he gives every single cents to his wife, and report
every single bits of details to his wife. Because his mother in law
had bad experience with marriage, she always educate her daughter
not to trust her husband so much. Thus, to secure this marriage, he
will do all he can to secure the trust. In his life, wife is the
first priority, himself is probably the second, there are never
friends, or worst for me and this friend of his, as we are never
his friends. His family is in some credit cards debts, at least
this was what we were told, and because he had recently lost his
job, his wife had constantly pressurized him, even with the use of
threats such as divorce.
Despite all these surfaced hardships, we were always told that
his wife and his mother in law went shopping in Orchard, or having
meals in restaurants, however he do not have money even for his
meals, which forced him to skip his meals frequently. His
explanation is his mother in law is all alone in Singapore, thus
not wanting her to feel lonely, whenever possible, his wife would
bring her out to enjoy life.
Every time we feel bad for him, we would give him some money.
Although it is not what we had intended, we know that whenever we
give him money, he will give it to his wife. That is his choice, we
cannot say anything, because he had never forced us to give him
money, but we still feel a little frustrated because we are aware
that his wife believes that we have a thing for him, and told him
that we have did what we have done because of some ulterior
motives. For this, both of us questioned ourselves, if so, knowing
that this money come from us, how could you have use such money so
freely like its no big deal. Don't you have pride?
This friend of his told me that recently, probably he is being
too stressed or what so ever, he had told her something probably he
should never have said. She told me that when he meet her one day,
he complaint that his wife is pressurizing him and wanted to
divorce him, for that, she try her best to help and give him $100.
The next day when she met him, he told her his wife was so happy
that evening, and make love with him the entire night, making him
feel tired and having some backaches.
She feel frustrated when she heard this, and so am I. We have
given you the money because we feel that you needed it for your
daily necessities, but you choose to give it to your wife, whom we
do not respect for the kind of person she is. However, that is your
choice. But knowing this, should we help you the next time? You are
the one who we wanted to help, not your wife. To us, she is the
kind of person that only cares for her own enjoyment without even
considering the facts of life whether is it worthwhile. Probably
she still have some savings. But if so, how could she let her
husband suffers?
There are many questions here?
To us, (myself and that friend of his), should we help him? That
friend of his say she will keep it to the minimal. For me, there
are still a long time for consideration, because of some dispute,
we are not in contact for the time being. We, at least for me,
would love to help him, so he can understand that not everyone in
this world do things for ulterior motives, but I do not want to
help someone who misjudged me. Worst, I do not know her, and I have
never wanted to help her, because I don't see that she needed it,
but she so just happened to be the financial controller of the
person I wanted to help. Should I cut down my own expenses so as to
help someone whom I know my help would not reached?
To him, why can't he see our sincerity? How can he even says
such thing that if we had not pay him, he would not have anything
to associate with us? Why can't he recognized what sort of person
he put his love on? Is she really that good? What type of persons
we are? Aren't we good enough?
To his wife, what kind of person you are, treating your husband
like a slave? Isn't marriage a commitment that binds each other
with trust and support. How could you only think of your own
enjoyment and leave your husband to suffer in hunger? For what we
have done to your husband, we did out of good faith, how could you
misjudge us and yet used our money happily as if you deserve
it?
To all of us, how can a person be so blind not to recognized
what is good for them and what is not?
You are not aiding him. You are enabling him to continue his
problem.
If his wife needs to be divorced, so let her. Your "aid" is
prolonging this condemned marriage. Since the marriage is fed by
money, then let the money run dry.. so the marriage can die.
Since you recognised your friend as being a very prideful
person. He is likely deperately trying to hang on to a marriage
just so he does not become a "total failure". So he tolerated his
wife's manipulative and abusive behavior.
You should be helping him wean himself off this self destructive
behavior, not feed him more so he continues this addiction.