Is he over her? Or still in love?

last SG · 2012-12-06T13:59:47+00:00

Are you a guy or girl ? If you are a girl, still ok. If you are a guy, then you are a bit creepy.

[imdestinyz] SG

if he stops and stops permanently it is ok... but he stops and starts and stop and starts... you think thats worthwhile holding on to?

[imdestinyz] SG

anyway, why dont you ask him that directly? whether he intends to cut off with this lady unless u can tolerate him doing this when he is together with u.

Waitingforu SG

Have asked him. He says he wants to cut her off. But based on his track record so far, I don't think he's done very well. That's why I'm soliciting for opinion of others.

All my friends say he is bad news and the whole thing with his baggage and the girl he likes for so long scream bad news and they say he would drop whoever he is withs like a potato once the woman is single again.

Ya think it's true?

[imdestinyz] SG

totally true...

jojobeach SG

Have asked him. He says he wants to cut her off. But based on his track record so far, I don't think he's done very well. That's why I'm soliciting for opinion of others.

Ya think it's true?

"he would drop whoever he is withs like a potato once the woman is single again. "

Seen that happened a few times already.

Saddest part is , he will not treat you better than how he will treat her.

You'll always be second choice.

[imdestinyz] SG

but ts seems to think thats romantic

Waitingforu SG

Thanks for the answers.

charlize SG

Life is surreal.

[imdestinyz] SG

Don't put yourself in the position of a substitute lo

SMB195G SG

Love is blind

Waitingforu SG

Do you think he's obsessed with her?

[imdestinyz] SG

yes he is, on the contary, are you obssessed with him?

charlize SG

Bromance.

becalm SG

This guy is my good friend.

What does it mean if a man aged 34, was poring into the Facebook profile of his ex daily for over a month? He's stopped since. He'd force himself to stop after obsessing for a month. Then he will be back at it again after 6-7 months of abstainance. What is going on?

She has been married for 4 years now. He's known her since he was in college in 2002, and has loved her since so it's been 11 year now. He says circumstances were between them which did not allow them to be together but from what I understand she developed feelings for him as well.

In 2008, when she told him she was getting married, he says he abruptly disappeared from her life in a dramatic fashion, like a complete disappearance without saying bye. I think he was really crushed. It seems like she did marry the following year and still is married.

I thought that with his disappearing from her life and not speaking to her, he had moved on, he still wondered about her and tried to look her up online in 2010. He confirmed that she had married but from what I knew he couldn't really tear himself away and was in a limbo, exchanging weekly pleasantries with her until mid 2011. I thought he had finally moved on when it stopped, but I found out that he masked his cell number and called her at the start of 2012 to hear her say Hello, and hung up.

I believed that he finally moved on early this year (2012), but I discovered that he had looked at her profile daily all through October and stopped himself only after Halloween. He discovered that she had moved cities with her husband.

But he's stopped.

Is my friend still into that woman, or is he over her and is just curious and wonders about her now and then (which many ex-es do), this I can accept?

I think he is obsessed with what has left inconclusive between him and the woman. People are inclined to keep thinking about what they think they can have or change but in the end they can't. It's kinda a "what if/if only" clause. Sadly, this kind of obsession can last like forever until the so called victim has found a complete answer to his agony which is perhaps an open coversation to the other person. But obsession isn't always love, imo. That said, his feelings may have faded but he still can't take her off his mind because of having no official closure to his past with her.

[imdestinyz] SG

Basically what this guy needs is a closure.... But for this r/s, closure is not gonna come easily... And how well he moves on, is a mystery... Why Put yourself in a position waiting for him?

becalm SG

Basically what this guy needs is a closure.... But for this r/s, closure is not gonna come easily... And how well he moves on, is a mystery... Why Put yourself in a position waiting for him?

Come on! I kinda have the same problem with the guy TS is concerning lah (not that bad of course). What if the guy I'm seeing now would seek advice from fellows like you and will run away from me? LOL just kidding.

But I think this depends a lot on how close TS is to the guy, how much she likes him and how long she is willing to wait for him. Because this definitely needs to be discussed openly between her and the guy. Guessing will just hurt her eventually. It's said that "If you don't ask, the answer is always no".

Waitingforu SG

She's married! Marriage is the most final of relationships and most absolute of any decision a person can make in life. Isn't it? The day the woman got married should have been the day he received closure because once someone gets married, game over for all other suitors, case closed. That's why he chose to cut her off once she told him she was getting married. He couldn't be friends with her or talk to her anymore. Maybe it hurt too much. To me, her marriage should have served as closure for him, but I'm not sure it has, with him still chained by his obsession.

He says she is beautiful, smart and funny, they have similar family backgrounds, and share the same sense of humour, and have an amazing chemistry. Explosive, even. They get along very well right at the start without the need for any warm-up. I dont think he expected to fall in love when he met her as a young student, but he did and it didn't take long. They started work in different countries, they were physically intimate in the past when she was attached, I'm aware of that. And emotionally they were very close.

If his feelings have faded, why can't he be friends with her? He has many female friends but he cannot be friends with her, cannot just maintain contact with her as platonic friends. Why?!

He and I are not in a relationship, I don't feel he's ready and he knows he isn't ready. I just worry that he will never be.

As for having an open conversation, that's out of the question. The woman is pissed off with him and basically called him a loser on Facebook in Feb this year. She is really hopping mad and furious with him for some past lies he told her because of his inferiority complex when it comes to her. The post is intentionally set to public and he can see it even though they are not FB friends.

becalm SG

If his feelings have faded, why can't he be friends with her? He has many female friends but he cannot be friends with her, cannot just maintain contact with her as platonic friends. Why?!

He and I are not in a relationship, I don't feel he's ready and he knows he isn't ready. I just worry that he will never be.

Now that I'm seeing a bigger view of what may have happened, let me speak from my experience because I have been going through the same path though it's far not to that extreme. You may view my thread to understand what I'm going through now.

I used to love this guy like crazy but we parted way for some silly reasons that I would also call it a non-closure break-up and we also didn't part way as friends. I now have a liking for someone else but because of what happened in the past with my ex, I am still not yet ready to get into a new rs with the new guy. It's not that my feelings for my ex are still there, it's that the flashback of the rs is still recalled sometimes, in a way that to be frank, I haven't figured out yet. However I am willing and open to fixing it because my feelings for this new guy are strong enough to make me want to do something to awake myself.

In your friend's case, though she got married, it didn't necessary serve as a closure if there was something he couldn't accept or could never imagine it would ever happen that's probably why he seemed to be devastated in shock and chose to vanish physically but the image of her, the hope for/fantasy of a possible relationship with her might have still been lingering around his mind for years. Besides, he did something (lies) that pissed her off. That added another reason to his obsession. He wanted forgiveness for what he had done wrong but he can't have it even until now. So it's possible that he is now living in deep regrets that's why he can't get over her.

I don't suggest you to either wait for him/try to push your friendship with him to a bgr or let go of your hope though my guess is that different from me, I am willing to let go of the past (it's crucial) but he doesn't (or not yet) and it's the most tragically draining part of the story. You know best of what you want, listen to yourself and talk to him, that's what I'm going to do to with my very own situation thanks to the advice I got from the forumers here. Whatever direction you'll go for, make sure not to keep everything to yourself, don't just stay in the dark and keep guessing please. As I said earlier, if you don't ask, the answer is always no. You might have reasons (or excuses) that make you reluctant to talk to him honestly and openly about your concern, but think of the pros and cons. The call is yours.

Best for you.

Cheers

Waitingforu SG

Nursing fantasies of a possible relationship with a married woman. That's like living day to day in a dreamworld and existing in the dream world is the way to feel happy. Its unbelievable and sad. How does one reconcile that - knowledge that the person is married and the hope of one day being with the person? Hope that a divorce happens? Maybe it's all not logical and victims cannot help the way they feel, cannot control the sense of loss and longing they feel and cannot stop themselves. It's tragic indeed.

I am not in the position to talk to him about this because I'm not his girlfriend. He owes me no commitment or responsibility. Friends have no right to demand their friend get over someone else.

Maybe his faithful love for her would touch a higher power who grants them the destiny to meet and be together one day, in their middle age.

Angjaydyn SG

men takes a longer time to get over women
it just seems on the outside that we women have a tough time getting over guys

but it's a little like human nature that people often think of things they can't have

your friend might end up in divorce and he may be even end up a loner
if he does not know how to set his priorities right

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