Depressed..... my years of relationship gone ?

Devoted gal8888 SG

anyone can help to advice me ? i realy dono what to do...in a lost now..

i am with my bf for 8 years til this year we got flat and ROM then busy renovating house and buying furnitures..then sudenly recently he got opportunity to go overseas to work for 2 years...but will come back every 3 months for 1 month..then he also all along wana go overseas for career..he is very career minded...so we have earlier planned that i can visit him as and when..while working in sg.

BUT recently he sudenly out of a sudden.. told me he realised he don't love me anymore...he say recent 2 years he treat me coldly and he feel he only like me and not love me...he say i am too good...and i am very nice ...he like my simple..before me, he actualy dump a few months girl to be with another girl for 2 years but was hurt by her who betrayed him..so .all along he think find a simple girl to be with is good enough but he say he is deceiving himself.he say he expect something in love which he never tell me...he say he see people mushy he feel envy but he say he cannot visualise me mushy with him...he is always very man...how to be mushy with him ? funny...*** stupid man...

.......he say he really hurt me a girl who have put so much in him...and his family who put so much hope in him....his family is very traditional...type..so he haven told them anything yet....he say sorry is only word he can find to me.....my heart was from top splashed to bottom...imagine i am all along so happy thinking i am so fortunate found a gd man...n gettin a new home for us...really disappointed...devastated..y i am such a devoted girl also wrong/? being nice is also wrong ...dono y heaven play such a joke to me...

just few months ago we were saying to hold our customary wedding after he come back...nw he tell me he cannot commit...and he scare he may fall in love with other girls...what the hell..i really suffer shock and depression...he say he need to sort out his thoughts and feelings...he say there is no third party...but he is goin to CHina to work.,..,..not sure if he is suffering from post marriage symptons having cold feet..or he rely dun love me anymore

...he say he is very sad ..he say he.think alot and having sleepless nights before telling me all these !...but it is not fair to me..he is being selfish...y all these years so long then realised he dun love me? and i think if he go china very easily will have possibility in another relationship...i do not want to give up this relationship...my friends think i am so stupid...if them sure will slap him and dump him since his heart no longer with me...

..i also think i very stupid..if i will to advise my friend i also say same thing..but now it happen to myself..i feel i cannot bring myself to dump him...i feel so useless..****..my heart cannot let him go...feel very sad ..i still hope i can do things to move him...now...with my best before i regret...if i really let go now...i am the kind of person who will try till the end before i give up......i really in a lost...now i going to move in the new house with him..and next year he goin overseas...now we still remain as husband and wife status..my friend say i will suffer more if move into the house as if he go overseas i will start anyhow think...but i feel its my house i got the right to move in ***..he say he is still thinking now...if he wana salvage our relationship..faint...Y man can be like that? i always say marriage is a gamble...now happen to me..i really canot bring to say that happen to myself..i go temple pray every week hoping he will change his mind..i think i am really stupid...i dono hw to stand up...really lost..then recently after he told me these, i been trying to win back his heart... i buy dinner for him during he ot..he feel happy...but later ask me y i keep buy diner for him recently n say no need.. i even do a touching video putting all our photographs to touch him...then he told me we are still husband and wife after seeing the video...dono what that means..i think he is still thinking..

please help me...give me some advise...

so depressed and sad.. i know i can choose to be happy but yet i cannot control my heart thinking worst tings hapening..

speakoutfor SG

You should have persuaded him to marry you years ago so he cannot easily escape from the hinges of your hands. Marriage is political play. Once you got the man by his balls, he cannot easily let go.

Now its really too late. He got his second thoughts on yuo. It looks most likely to be the influence of PRC girls. What to do? Their fair tan skin, we rough skin south asian men cannot resist.

angel7030 SG

You should have persuaded him to marry you years ago so he cannot easily escape from the hinges of your hands. Marriage is political play. Once you got the man by his balls, he cannot easily let go.

Now its really too late. He got his second thoughts on yuo. It looks most likely to be the influence of PRC girls. What to do? Their fair tan skin, we rough skin south asian men cannot resist.

Yo, you sound like that shop name I saw at thomson road, ...Talk cork sing song.

Please lah, what marriage is a political play, why link everything to politics, so how, must go for election than can get marry ar??

Looking on the brighter side, it is a blessing that TS did not marry him, if not, worst, whole life ruined by all sucker with no balls

Devoted gal8888 SG

i already ROM, so means married in term of law..so if he leave me will be 5yrs later sell the house n divorced lor..so how leh...nv expect this kind of thing will happen to me....i always think love is very simple..y make it so complicated...

angel7030 SG

ROM is just a laws, buying of house can be settle out depend on how much you invested with the ROI, or that if you have not get a house, can alway cancel it, just for go the downpayment, I dunno, cos I do not buy govt houses.

More importantly in life is not about mistakes or thing happening, it is about learning from mistake, get wiser and promise oneself, never to commit the same shit again.

You all are only human, naturally, born to make mistakes.

jojobeach SG

You are a very simple gal... but you married a NOT so simple guy.

He has big dreams, he has big ambitions, he has big hopes.

But you are the simple wife... will not fit into his big picture.

For the past 8 years... he was the typical great guy for a simple gal... but now opportunities has opened up for him.....

Now, The world is exciting out there for him.. much to explore , much to experience... a simple life with a simple gal just will not do... he wants to walk through that door.. a single guy.. he wants to be freee.....

With Opportunities abound for him... the glitzy life he envisioned as an expat in the big bad world of China cities.... You the simple gal... seems. too... boring.

By the way.. why arn't you going with him to China... surely you also want to explore the world, yes ?

Girl, you have become boring... dust is settling on your hair ... cobwebs are growing between your ears.... you have become the dreaded " Yellow face ah poh"....

I suggest you let him be... live your life again.. make it exciting again... if he wants to be part of your life... that's his choice... you cannot make him....

But you need to start breathing the fresh air... put on your explorer hats , sling that world travelling backpack on your back and head out to the wild.

I would wish him all the best.. and hopefully he finds what he seeks in that fast and furious world .

In the end... we all just want a little pasture of peace and quiet... with gentle winds blowing in our face... but occasionally... in order to get there... we hav to come full circle in our life.

speakoutfor SG

Yo, you sound like that shop name I saw at thomson road, ...Talk cork sing song.

Please lah, what marriage is a political play, why link everything to politics, so how, must go for election than can get marry ar??

Looking on the brighter side, it is a blessing that TS did not marry him, if not, worst, whole life ruined by all sucker with no balls

You must have mistaken me for the name of your lousy bar, talk cock sing song. Nobody want to go to your useless bar. Boring.

Of course, it is political. The guy is still single so he is not oblige to remain loyal to TS. However if the guy is married to TS, the guy may just cheat on her with one night stands but won't go farther than that, because he knows he risk losing half his inheritance in any divorce. So he will remain in the marriage. Men are like that.

maxsee SG

Once a guy has a change of heart....usually nothing u do will make him change his heart...be prepared for the worse bah....

mr music SG

There are myraids of pretty girls in this world. If your hb has a roving eyes, you will soon find yourself in competition with all the females in this world. You always feel troubled and checked on him incessently, which leaves u no time and energy to develop your career or focus on your studies. You will end up depressed and worthless. You should find a guy who believes you are the most special, beautiful and unique girl and will love, respect and give you happiness and attention. Hold your head high and don’t lower yourself to his level by comparing yourself with all the PRC gals. Dont waste anymore precious time. Be gracious and magnanimous and give up everything you have with him including HDB, etc. You wish him all the best. You can let go of him gradually by thinking this way. Love thyself. You deserve to be loved by the right person who comes later in your life.

Yunhaier SG

I sense your deep pain, hurt and anguish; truly it is a great struggle having to lead a relationship of eight years - only to see this dream shatter into glass pieces seemingly overnight. It is only natural to be adamantly attached to the past and the length of the relationship, especially since the taste of marriage life is about to begin in your new matrimonial home.

It is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness.

It takes two to clap; surely your last effort in trying to salvage a relationship is an effortful feat to protect what’s left of your relationship, just remember that no amount of persuasion, influence or coercion could resurrect a man who has never loved you because you cannot lose something that never exist nor fix something that has never been there.

Our disappointment and sadness would naturally fall through tears upon this realization. I truly feel you.

***

He is contemplating because there are many factors to consider, many things to ‘lose’ and many systemic damage to minimize. In addition, it is likely that you do not have full information or reason for his decision. If he could lead eight years of a ‘loveless’ relationship, my curiosity would be ‘why now?’ Granted that there might be push factors (e.g. he doesn’t love you actually… not the one he is looking for, etc), but I believe there are also events happening, unconscious to you, which generate significant pull factor/s.

Love is not a gamble; we all take calculated risk. You married him because you love him and not because of chance: there are emotions, experiences, time and investment plough into the fields of love. It is not merely dice rolling, entirely at mercy of luck and chances.

Other than trying to win back the relationship, I suggest you might want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him and know the ‘pull factors’ at work to understand the terrain of the battle you are fighting on. Only then, you could have better clarity of your relationship and decide what you could or should do about it.

Cheers

Devoted gal8888 SG

Yunhaier Long time no c...

Devoted gal8888 SG

thanks all for your replies...

speakoutfor:

if i married him earlier n give birth to kids, worst right if later few years say dun love me...kids are the suffering ones..but u are right,. i think men cannot resist woman temptation also..if really alot good choices..

angel7030:

very hard to cancel home like that as everything renovation all paid and done...yes this incident let me learn something..

maxsee:

yes i am not optimistic, i expxecct worst senario...already imagine him leaving me..even though nw he say he need to think over it..i am already preparing for the worst..just that i am very sad daily keep thinking..how to save this ..

mr music:

ur words are exacctly what i will advise my friend if she encounter my situation...and it makes sense but i really canot say let go means let go like that...when it happen to myself..guess i need time

Devoted gal8888 SG

Yunhaier:

thanks for feeling what i have gone through...u really still the best love consultant in this forum har..

" is like flipping through the next chapter of your personal love novel and, ironically, revealing a chapter of tragedy - and not one of blissfulness." Yeah this sound like a tragic storybook flipped..and drama..

my curiosity would be ‘why now?-> i also want to know why now..i highly suspect is 3rd party but he say no...and he say only recently he start to think why he did not go overseas earlier for his career advancement..i am quite sad as his future plans on overseas career , i am not in the picture..so maybe it leads to him thinking what to do with me...maybe he don't feel he love me so tell me all these..he say he can give up everything because of love...he say he feel back always mocking at me when he treat me coldly and i always very nice to him never got angry and patient with him..he start to find out what's wrong and if this will keep hapening in future and will not be fair to me...he saw husband scold wife in public and reminded him of himself and he feel himself very bad... and why and how to save this relationship...but he say he only find out why ->because he don't love me but yet to find out HOW

.. I tell him "Love need 2 person to put in effort and to work on......can we salvage this ? " he answered "don't force me, let me think.." and he is saying if he go china, i can think also...I feel like he is hoping for me to leave him first..he say he know i love him very much..he feel very sad to hurt such kind girl like me...so he say i can scold him bastard or jerk..all he can say is Sorry..everything he thinks now is his career..he wan to excel...so he cannot commit..

i am trying to save this but i don't know how long i need to wait for his answer...if i move in to the house, it may be better, it may be worst..i really don't know..seem like he is pullin the string to where i land..i know the situation but yet i still canot tell myself to give him up..so end up maybe i will be suffering for few years waiting for him...and telling myself he may come back to me..one day....

Damn stupid woman am i...

speakoutfor SG

I am not saying that this will bring you sucess...but at least you tried and if fail, you convince yourself that you exhausted all options...you can then live on with less regrets.

Ok, here is suggestion:- tell him that you will follow him to china, stay with him.

If he say no, then forget it.

Devoted gal8888 SG

speakoutfor:

yes i tried all i can and if i fail at least i gt no regrets..

i dun tink he wil bring me to china as he is always very independent type..

anyway we are married - ROM so anything means divorced..maybe if no choice rely 5 yrs later sell house lor..n go our separate ways..

maxsee SG

Make sure u squeeze him dry during the divorce...if u dun do tat...the day all tis pain is gone...u will regret letting him off the hook.....

Aneslayer SG

Drop him like its hot.... Now. All other scenarios spelt worse suffering.... I expect him to feel regret after you dropped him and he would come begging to you, then think for yourself: would you want such an indecisive man for life? Until then, I can say he took you for granted and did not realize the effort you put in. So decide for yourself...

Devoted gal8888 SG

he so independent and man, dun think he will realise that he take me for granted..my friend also say he take me for granted..but i think maybe not true...guess he really dun love me lor..if really love won't behave like that..

jojobeach SG

self-edited: Irrelevant

Aneslayer SG

Upto your own discretion... Your life, your choice... your consequence to bear. Alone. I come to realize love has different levels and rather arbitrary to define. No one can agree... but i have to point out that the bf you see is through lovey surgary coated lens... Love can be rational so i hope you can protect your own heart more than anything else.