divorcee with child

last SG · 2012-04-27T16:14:01+00:00

I would appreciate if people around here, stop branding names to any character in this matter because i always believe no one is stupid or born to be stupid...

0petslave0 SG

I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband.

Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.

She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.

Here comes the problem. the child.

I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine.

My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him.

Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.

I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.

I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter.

I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times.

Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.

I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.

display_check SG

There are so many better girls in this world.

Look for them instead.

WayneKwek SG

I am trying to put myself into your shoes. Its really a knotty problem. Yr love for girl, her love for ex-hubby, child who is not your flesh and blood.

I cannot come up with a good advise. But I feel that to be with someone may need some major sacrifice. And for your case, its to endure the thought that you may not be her priority, and also to brush aside the fact that child is not yours. You are paying time and money for baby who is not related to you. Given me, I cannot accept that too. But how deep is your love for her? By given up family, friends, time, money, and more, you must try to judge if its worth it. If you leave her and child, what will happen to your life? FOr the next 6 months, will you be depressed over the lost? Can you get over it and try to meet someone new?

Sigh, life is never easy. I haven't solve my problem yet too. Maybe you can see my other post on vietnam wife and give me some of your advise too. Thanks.

dangerboi SG

It's 'advice' not 'advise'.

Follow your brain. Do not follow your heart.

FunGuyWorkaholic SG

One thing I always do and if you follow, it will boil down well for you. Do anything you want but don't regret about it. If you think you will regret, then don't do.

tricia123 SG

I think I see the problem here.

You fell for her because you view her as weak and helpless, maybe demure. And you see her as this helpless thing being taken advantage by her husband. You were attracted to that.

But with your support, she has gain strength, her self-esteem back. So she is not behaving like the same person she was with her husband. She is stronger, more assertive. Which is common for women with normal self-esteem.

You are also not the bully her x-husband was. She fears her x-husband, but she treats you as her equal. So that's why you are not getting the same deference.

So here lies the big problem. I think you love her because you thought she would extend the same deference to you as she did her husband. And you would like that, except instead of ill-treating her, you will reward her for such submissive behaviour.

Unfortunately, she is that way towards her husband just because her husband rule her by fear, and for you to receive the same thing as she gives her x-husband, you will also have to rule her by fear.

I think you should speak to her and be honest about this. That you have done everything you can to be there for her and support and help her out of this bad situation, but you feel unappreciated and feel like she takes you for granted, give specific examples to back what you are saying. If she cares about you, she'll want to fix this. If she gets angry, defensive, don't care, then..., I dunno..., I don't think she loves you.

The crux of the issue is, she takes more crap from her x-husband than she's willing to take from you. That's because you are suppose to be better than her husband and allow her to be who she is rather than oppress her. You need to decide on your side if you can accept this side of her.

Darkseed73 SG

I agree with what “tricia123” says and would like to add in the point of view as a man.

Also to “dangerboi” – “advise” is not wrong – go check you dictionary – it’s just UK and US english difference.

I think why u feel that way about her is also becos you are jealous and feels she loves her husband more then you becos she DARE to rebutt you but not her husband. I think from this point of view , you should breakup with her.

She is a recovering soul and she is trying to pick up her pieces, if you can’t accept her true self – don’t put her down again.

I assume both of you are already sexually active. Woman are very sensual, if they love you they will give u (not scare of you) there is a difference. If both of you are still not physically bond, I think you should really consider walk away and give both of you a break.

You have your family stress and she has her past to recover – it doesn’t seems like a good time at all to be in a relationship.

Take care dude, just don’t become a monster of jealously.

lce SG

love is blind

Bio-Hawk SG

Fast forward few years.

The girl will leave you with your money. Kid will blame you for not being a good parent. And you will curse yourself.

Have fun!

speakoutfor SG

What do you expect? WHen you are in relationship with a divorcee with kids - her kids are part of the relationship.

Hope you become a loving father because this child deserves more. Also hope you don't turn into a child abuser. Just a year ago - I read in paper about this young man who got into relationship with this divorcee with daughter. Don't know why - he didn't like the 2 year old daughter - one day took her to a cemetary in Penang and killed her - then burned her body. This became a big case. The family notably the father of the divorcee woman was so angry that when the court hearing came - he lunged at the guy and hit him. The case is still undergoing but the young man is charged with murder.

So you must weigh - is the relationship important enough that you want her. If you love her you must love her daughter too. Bear in mind that she has suffered emotional scars from her ex husband so not surprisingly there is an air of stubbornness and hurt in her. If you really love her you must find a way to handle her.

Btw - do you deliberately have so many wrong spellings to hide your true identity?

Fcukpap SG

never live under the shadow of someone else’s love…

it’s only when you leave, she will then know the folly of being comforted when you were around…

mancha SG

"I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today."

Correct, many battered wives still love their husbands.

jojobeach SG

I concur with Tricia123.

Regarding the child problem..

The child was never the problem. The problem is with you Petslave. You jumped right into a position of a father.. without first being a husband and live through the pregnancy and childbirth of starting a family.

The first few years of married life with a young child is exactly as you are experiencing right now...with the need of the baby being priority... it's tough. yes... but what bonds a couple together is the CHILD , the common denominator. Because a couple shares the common love for the child.. a couple in a normal marriage can grind through thick and thin. The sleepless nights.. the constant feedings and diaper changing... etc etc..

You are not her husband , nor are you the child's father. What bonds you to the relationship is that woman. It's different.. accept it.

Stop self-sacrificing for the child and the resentments will stop. When the resentment gone, the relationship can flourish.

The child will be fine without you, you don't have to give up your active life for her. Set a side time for your lady.. don't sacrifice all your personal life.

The child is not yet an orphan. She has her mother.. and other families to love her. You are not her knight in shining armor. You can only be her stepfather.. but as long as the biological father is still alive and in contact.. and as long as he had done her no direct harm.. you will never replace him. So please , know your place in this relationship.

When a woman has a child so young.. she is always first a mother... then a lover. It is hardwired into a woman. Unless she abandons her own flesh.. ..her mother instinct will ALWAYS overwrite her personal needs. So , stop competing with that child for your lady's attention, you'll lose and get more frustrated.

Ofcors, this situation is not forever.. you'll have to wait.. till the child is about 4-5 years old.. when she becomes more independent on her own.. when the separation anxiety from the mother subsides.. only then can you dream of a world with only you and your lady SOMETIMES.

You are trying too hard to become part of your lady's family. Give yourself a little more space between them... right now.. you are only suffocating yourself and the relationship.

dumb epic mud SG

Fast forward few years.

The girl will leave you with your money. Kid will blame you for not being a good parent. And you will curse yourself.

Have fun!

0petslave0 SG

What if she's cool with giving up the custody of the child? Would it be selfish and inhuman for me to expect this?

Thank you all for the advice. Some that i agree, some that i don't. but still , all advice is clearing my clouded vision in this matter.

speakoutfor SG

That is her issue. If she want to give up custody it is her call. But you can advice. You also have a part in this.

Relax, girl is only two years old - means she can't tell the diff whether your are daddy or not. So its a good time to cultivate some stepfather to stepdaughter bonding. At least, she is not like 10 years old when she is harder to warm up to you.

"newbie" SG

How long have your known this lady? probably less then 3 yrs?

Chances is your hormones acting on you...

Come back to reality. The little girl is 2 yrs, you try being the dad, but can really accept her, and add to that the money spending on her and the time on her...

The chances on what you are "being a dad" is only a small fraction of what is coming if you really wants to be with her mum. If you cant accept the little girl, i seriously doubt you will have a long loving relationship.

tricia123 SG

I think you should not influence her decision to give up custody and stay out of giving advice in this arena.

If she chooses to do that with no pressure from you, great for you, I know you will be happy.

But it's a terrible thing if you influence her to do that, and it's not her true choice. She will live with regret and guilt.

Then other problems will arise, she may blame you.

alize SG

I think you should not influence her decision to give up custody and stay out of giving advice in this arena.

If she chooses to do that with no pressure from you, great for you, I know you will be happy.

But it's a terrible thing if you influence her to do that, and it's not her true choice. She will live with regret and guilt.

Then other problems will arise, she may blame you.

It depends. If she would make a stupid decision on her own, she will benefit from your advice. If she is equipped to decide, don't step in.

jojobeach SG

What if she's cool with giving up the custody of the child? Would it be selfish and inhuman for me to expect this?

Thank you all for the advice. Some that i agree, some that i don't. but still , all advice is clearing my clouded vision in this matter.

To abandon her own flesh and blood for you ?

Are you really worth that huge a sacrifice on her part ?

Once she give up custody.. she will not be able to take it back again.

After she gives up custody.. can you guarantee you never fight/argue with her ever again ?

You will take care of her forever ? She will never have to suffer a day in her life- physical/fianancial/emotional ?

That you will never let her down ever ? Be forever faithful and never eye another woman again ?

You will make her the happiest woman on earth all the time ? Beyond any man can ever achieve regardless of your personal situation ?

Give in to her 100% regardless you are right or wrong ?

Can you ? If can.. then maybe it's worth it.

If not.. forget it. You're not worth that huge sacrifice of abandoning her own flesh and blood.

If she really do it for you.. you may feel a huge ego boost..a huge sense of victory.. and your opponent.. a 2 year old baby....

Selfishness comes with a big pricetag.. can you afford it ?

Have a little more patience.. and you may have the best of both worlds... she is not even divorced yet.. and her baby is young... why are you rushing ?