Since she got mental illness, you should show more care and love on
her, take all the scolding and comment from her as secondary.
Without any conditioning, you must make the move to serve her well,
it will take an uphill task from you, a very stressful one, and a
need for control and understanding one. But then, to think that she
is your mother and you are doing it for your mother, deep inside
you, take the pride and joy of it. Read the below.....
After their first three dates, his girlfriend told him an
astonishing piece of news that changed his life forever.
It was a "dark secret", 61-year old Raymond Anthony
Fernando remembered of what his then-girlfriend Doris
Lau Siew Lang told him almost three decades back.
I am schizophrenic, she had told him.
If that was not surprising enough, she also told him that she
was a patient at the Institute of Mental Health, otherwise known as
Woodbridge Hospital in the 60s.
Yet, the secret she guarded so carefully — one that scared away
all her previous boyfriends upon hearing — finally stood the test
of one man's faith and love for her.
Raymond, a Singaporean whose heritage is part Eurasian and part
Sri Lankan, listened as Doris poured her heart out about her past
and her condition.
Schizophrenia is a group of psychotic disorders characterised by
disturbances in thought, perception, affectation, behaviour and
communication lasting longer than six months.
At the onset, because there was little public awareness on
schizophrenia, Doris' symptoms of headaches, insomnia,
a loss of appetite and even being delusional sometimes worried her
family.
They believed she was charmed, and brought her to a medium
instead. The delay worsened her condition. It had escalated to a
point when she harboured suicidal thoughts. Back then in the 60s, a
relative who worked in the Institute of Mental Health (IMH) heard
of her unexplainable illness and recommended Doris be warded. Her
condition finally stabilised.
Instead of breaking up with her after hearing what she said, the
freelance television actor and motivational speaker asked her,
"Will you marry me?"
"I was deeply moved by her sincerity and her caring nature. I
had dated many girls, but Doris was very down to earth… Doris is a
very timid person and I decided I wanted to give her a better life,
so I asked for her hand in marriage," Raymond told this writer.
The couple tied the knot in 1974.
This year, the couple celebrate their 37-year anniversary.
Doris is still battling with schizophrenia and as of five years
ago, arthritis as well. As for Raymond, he too has diabetes, high
cholesterol and cataract.
Challenges of caring
Medical costs aside, Raymond revealed that the road is tough to
say the least. He used to struggle between juggling work and caring
for his wife.
In 1995, under tremendous amount of stress, he attempted
suicide.
In retrospect, he said, "I deeply regret taking that route —
imagine what would happen to Doris if I had not survived."
"It's still very tough," Raymond admitted. "But I have to stay
and remain strong for Doris. She needs me badly."
The couple had unfortunately lost their only two children — one
through a miscarriage and the other through an abortion. In the
latter case, the couple made that decision as Doris would have to
get off the drugs that would affect the foetus.
The devout Catholic relies on his faith to get by. He left his
31-year job as a public relations officer in October and is now
working from home as a writer to earn income to pay
their bills.
Caring for his wife turned him into an advocate for the mentally
ill.
"It's been extremely tough for her as Doris' sole caregiver,
especially when the support structure for caregivers of the
mentally ill is clearly lacking — something which I have been
fighting for, for decades."
But Raymond never regretted taking her as his wife.
"No, I will not ever walk away from taking care of Doris because
of one simple reason — I love her deeply," he said
Raymond handles all the household chores and finances while
maintaining his writing jobs and caring for his wife. The last job
entails taking her to numerous medical appointments at Tan Tock
Seng Hospital, IMH and polyclinics monthly, and ensuring she
religiously takes her medication — 52 tablets a daily. He visits
the same hospital for his eye treatment.
Although her schizophrenia is now stabilised, Raymond reveals
that it may relapse anytime. "The symptoms of her arthritis
condition caused her to be in tremendous physical pain in all her
joints that left her mobility severely impaired. In severe pain, it
can trigger a relapse of her mental illness," he said.
Doris had suffered a relapse before so he and the doctors are
carefully monitoring her condition.
Symptoms
Raymond reveals how the symptoms first develop. He usually first
notices physical tell-tale signs such as the white of her eyes
turning slightly blue, and much dandruff appearing on her
scalp.
At the beginning, Doris would become uncannily quiet and
fearful. "The slightest noise will affect her," Raymond said. Over
time, she tends to become increasingly anxious and begins
hallucinating. While she is not violent, her husband said, Doris
cries when she hears buzzing in her ears and voices telling her to
do "strange" things.
"There were occasions when I had to sleep with the house keys
under my pillow as she would wake up in the middle of the night and
attempt to go downstairs to the void deck. She believed that her
mother was waiting for her downstairs. But her mother had already
passed away," Raymond said sadly.
Traumatic experiences such as the loss of their children and the
loss of her mother haunt her as well.
The breaking point is when Doris begins talking about suicide.
That is when Raymond is left with no choice but to admit her into
hospital.
"On most occasions, she would have to undergo ECT ( electro
convulsive therapy). This is where mild current is applied to the
brain every four seconds to stabilise her. Most of the time,
she requires at least six shots of ECT. It is an extremely
painful period for me," he said.
She may require another knee operation should her medications fail,
he adds.
Despite all these, while he acknowledges that it is an uphill
task to care for her as her arthritis condition worsens, he is
prepared to fight this battle for he and his beloved wife.
"If there's one thing you can say to your wife now, what would
you say?" this reporter asked.
"If schizophrenia is part of your life, then it must certainly
be part of my life. I don't necessarily like what the illness does
to you, but it is you who I love. And that will always be the
guiding, motivating force of my life, Doris."
what can i do if she don't want to take her pills?
like smashing it and put it in her food?
