Hi, guys. I had a problem that I got no one to turn to because
it’s also relatively complicated to my friends to help me too, so I
seek your help or advice in the aid of solving the problem. Some
may still remember my “age gap” thread, but I’ll explain it again
here.It’s a relationship problem and it’s really difficult for me
to solve it. Let’s refer this girl as J.
I knew her for almost 4 years, all started that she joined the
martial arts club I was in too. During that time I was a trainee
and so had a lot of time to chat with her during training or the
break in between. Soon I realized that I fell for her, I started to
look out for her. Some time later, I had a chat with her and soon
confessed. May be because of the 5 years age gap we had and may be
her family problem too (yeah, I shouldn’t had fall for her at that
age, but it happened), we agreed that we wait for another 3 years
before we get together. Now here comes the first stupid thing I did
back then, I said that I don’t mind if she found a guy better than
me within this 3 years, but she must tell me honestly and she
agreed to it.
After the “3 years promise” we remained as very good friends,
even my coach and friends had noticed how close that me and her had
become. Everything was ok until like 6 months after making the
promise, I started to notice that she had posted a lot of status
about love on other social website. I couldn’t help but to start
getting paranoid and suspicious. One day I finally asked her
whether is that she had a boyfriend outside there? Initially she
said no, but after much persuasion, she finally admitted that she
indeed had one outside without my knowing. I know that we are not a
couple yet and it really hurt me a lot, she even mentioned that she
treated me like a brother all the while. I was destroyed the moment
she said that, I wonder if that’s the case, why would she make the
promise along with me. It’s the only time I’ve made promise to a
special girl and ever since then, no girls had gave me the feeling
that she gave me.
Ever since that day, my heart as if it has died. I could no
longer find anything interesting, thus I devoted myself in school
work and martial arts training at that time.
After a month or 2, I realized that she broke off with her
boyfriend, whom I had no idea who is it. But I never thought of
woo-ing her again until one day in the late 2009, she asked me out
to take a neoprint. I was shocked as I never really take a neoprint
before, let alone with a girl alone. We had a good chat that day
and finally parted ways as she need to go home and I’m meeting
another group of friends.
Following that neoprint taking, we slowly chat like how we used
to in the past when I woo-ing her. We began to get close like how
we used to again, my coach noticed it and hint me that the line of
a trainer and a trainee must be clear, but I don’t really care
because during training, I am too busy in teaching the others. (I
was a black belt at that point of time)
We carried on like that for some time, then I finally had the
first date with her, it’s watching a movie. I am very nervous at
that time and I almost unable to talk well in front of her. Not
only the date, we also like gave each other something. She once
gave me a pudding which she made it herself. A lot of my friends
told me it’s a good sign, but some also said it’s a different idea.
Of course, I made her a cake as well and she liked it.
There was once which that I’m meeting her to give her the
birthday present I had for her, it’s a watch. I realized that her
aunt (who is taking care of her since she grow up in a single
parents family) was giving me the look like scanning me from head
to toe. Even her older brother was doing the same thing. Other than
the birthday gift, I also folded her 13 roses as I can’t afford
that much roses during the valentine’s day. The message more or
less was very clear, I want to woo her again.
Several times we talked about this, but she never actually faced
it directly. Always saying that she needs time to think. So a week
before the enlistment day, I asked her again. She said she did give
it a thought of being together as a couple, but she said it might
be better to stay it that way, she can’t imagine us being together.
It’s another shock to me, which also caused me to almost had a
depression during the confinement week. We made it clear that we
should remains as very good friend and here’s the second stupid
promised that I’ve made to her, I’ll never leave her. My friends
once again scolded me for doing so, but I feel that she’s that
special for me to do so.
During my time in BMT, I spent a lot of time
talking to her whenever it’s possible. Although it’s all through
sms, but I like to chat with her, it always bring a smile to my
face.
Nothing really happen until recently, when I go back to army
after my surgery. We started talking, again, like how we used to
when I’m trying to woo her. Talking about relationship and stuff.
Although it’s not as good as what the previous 2 times were, but it
sure felt like it’s slowly progressing into repeating it’s history.
Recently, I just made the 3rd promise which my friends thought it’s
stupid, I thought her that if no one takes care of her, I will.
I think the feeling I felt for her has beyond the feeling of
“like”, I’m not sure how it felt like of “love”, but I’m just very
happy talking to her. I don’t deny that until now, I still had to
feeling, I can’t help but to think that she’s the only girl for me.
This thing had been going on for 3 years and reaching 4 years soon.
Last month, I went to a fortune teller with kelvin and terry, the
master said that the girl for my life already appeared, but the
timing is not ripe yet. This was the same thing being told to me
when I go to goddess of mercy temple before I enlist to 求簽, the
girl is already here, but not the right time yet.
What I don’t know is what should I do to this relationship? I
can’t bring myself to like other girl because I know I will regret.
But my friends told me if I do so, I will be wasting my time and
youth. What should I do? Thanks for listening to me and this wall
of text, hope to hear from you guys.
How glamorous it is to romanticize your
affection - each time with greater intensity and stake. Beneath
that miasma of words that drowns you so deep in your seeming
unattainable love is a terribly self indulging fantasy, lyrically
synonymous to several of Jay Chou-like songs.
You are not stuck in a limbo of love - rather, it is this
narcissistic addiction to these meaningless promises that keep you
going. You are symbolically in love with these attachments - you
add with a dosage of mystical element like 'the girl is here but
not the right time', it simply perpetuate your bondage to this
karmic relationship.
The truth is that you don't have a position of a boyfriend.
Nevermind. So you create new positions: (1) Three years promise
friend, (2) never leave you promise friend, (3) I will take care of
you promise friend (almost like SM, MM and ESM).
The real
question is that does she really need your promises to carry on
life well? Or do you subconsciously instill such promises, so as to
carry on this mindless affection because deep inside, you don't
want to give up this fantasy?
It is likely to be the latter.
P.S: Unless one can peer through the cloud of delusion, this
obsession will likely to entrench you in this karmic whirlpool.
There is nothing to solve; there are only perspectives to
understand. 
Cheers
