Today is one of the most meaningful day yet in my life. Just a few
moment ago, I quietly went out of the apartment and I found myself
and knew what are some of my problems.
As I stroll down the park of Yishun, I realised that half of the
time I was thinking too much - a lot of times, take for example, I
mentioned previously that I was a pathetic child who was treated
badly but the truth was most of the time I was the cause of the
problems. I treat my Mom badly I scream at her, I yell at her, I
even said that she is a despicable bitch who only bother about
money, all this while I reasoned that such hurtful came out of my
mouth was due to she gave me a bad childhood.
But one thing I did not consider was that those bad childhood
memories was caused by me, myself. I lied to my classmates, I was
selfish and a very self centered person. by nature no one will love
to communicate with such a person. There is absolutely no reason
why I should be so spiteful to my mom. She has been a incredible
lady, eventhough I hurt her so much with my spiteful attitude, she
stills care about me, she bothered to wash my clothes etc. Clearly,
she is a very noble lady.
I was the one being selfish, being rude.
From today onwards, I must be a kind, treat her nicely. Then only
will I not feel guilty and she will then be nicer to me and only
then will I find myself in a warm loving family. Something I had
been dreaming of is actually so easy to achieve when I decide to
open myself up.
During the walk I found myself thinking, of one advice my form
teacher said 'XX, you have been thinking too much. Sometimes things
may not be what you are expecting of but because deep in your mind
you know you did something bad or unpleasant that you felt guilty
of it and when you notice your friends saying something and you are
not in the group, you will think that they are badmouthing you but
in actual fact, they may be talking or conversing about something
else.'
How true. Most of the time I was too worried about myself, too
worried about my image in the class, thinking too much. It made me
realise that sometimes things are so easy to handle but sometimes
we think too much as a result, we tend to complicate things, soon
we find ourself in a stuck situation and gave up, blaming
ourselves. Losing our self esteem. Losing our confidence
level.
At the age of 15, I am handling too much things. I have this strong
interest in tech news especially in mobile phones and portable
devices like itouch etc. Hence I read a lot of details about them
and I always knew the lastest gadget like Samsung Galaxy Tab etc.
But it is pointless, eventhough I may knew a lot about them but
what could I do? I can't purchase them I am still only a 15 years
old high school kid. So why the hell did I fantasise about having,
owning them? Playing with them?
It had severely affected my grades. I am a triple pure science
student, but yet unlikely most of my classmates who spent their
time studying for the end of year final examination, I am too
obsessed with tech news that I didn't even study for this entire 1
week holiday break.
I am thinking too much, worrying too much, fantasising too much.
And yet I have important commitments that I didn't fulfil like my
academic.
And as I reflect my actions during the little quiet walk 3am in the
morning I realised that there is a limit in what we can do. And
because I worry too much, a little bit of passion here and there
hence my academic is suffering. Some of my weaker subject, English
with only 59%.
I want to do well in studies. Hence I know and I must sacrifice. I
will stop thinking too much, I will focus on my studies, I will
stop myself from all the funny funny tech news. I must remember
that whatever my actions now, will directly determine my
future.
I want my future to be bright, something that I am proud of, hence
from today I will be a nicer person to my mom, be more caring, be
happier and most importantly I will throw away all the unnecessary
worries that has been lingering inside me stopping me from being a
successful person.
Hopefully, I will remember my post this morning and apply them,
really apply all of them and 10 years later when I look back at
this post, I will be happy and proud to announce 'I am a successful
person.'
Congrats on beginning to overcome your Self Ego, ie.
physical mind or what you termed as "thinking". When people think
only with their physical mind, and not feel with their heart, all
sorts of negativity result.
Life is really about learning to overcome all
forms of negativity in us, in order for us to grow as a
person. The first step to do that is to overcome self-denial that
we have problems within us, and need to improve ourselves. You've
just done that.
But the future ahead is not as easy as you think at the moment.
Realising what you must do, and being able to do it, are totally
different things. You need to put in great efforts and be
determined to be truly happy and proud of yourself in future, proud
of the good person that you've grown into, not proud of the
material, external and temporary successes. If you define yourself
only on external successes, you'll not be able to hold on to that
happiness for long.
All the best for your future ahead! :)
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life