Your undoing is your fear(s) of being rejected by your family
and society. It is understandable but if you do not risk in spite
of rejections - it is going to never end.
Also, repression is extremely unhealthy cos it causes a
split within one and one may
pretend, ignore or deny - but for how long? As it is, reading your
.... it split within is palpable.
Hence, it would be wiser to unlearn what you have been taught
''to be'' to ''fit' and be you.
It is telling of what you assume to be love when it is not. Lust
is not love and considering your age - it is not wrong but
acknowledge it as lust.
Your claims of you ''loving'' your mother is not love lah, but
the ''need'' for validation, the ''need'' to be accepted that has
been misconstrued as you loving her. If you love her, what she or
others think of you - no longer matters. Of course, it presupposes
that you are self-fulfilled and courageous to be
you. When another fulfils you or something ''outside of you''
fulfils you - it is not self-fulfilment but ''other-fulfilment"
which would eventually derail and anxiety would be the mainstay
lah.
Anguish is always of the past and anxiety (fear) of the future.
Reconcile to these dichotomizing polarities and allow yourself to
be.
Unless your being u or doing something encroaches on
another space to be or do. If the latter is true in your experience
- unlearn and not repeat again lah
How can you love someone when you are so confused, feeling
''guilty'', feeling that you are ''hiding'' .... love does not
hurt, it is the expectations of what was or what it should be
(expectations) and comparing and most of all the ''compromising''
that is bandied about as love.
As to whether you want to be you and risk and still be you it is
up to you.
PS - There are only two types of people in this world - one
lives out of love n the other lives out of fear. On the surface, it
may not show but in situations/circumstances it will reveal and
exhibit and manifest what one is all about.
