elder brother's life problem

viciouskitty74 SG

Problem is with a older brother that TS is not closed with.

And how many older brothers will tolerate a younger brother trying to run his life?

Instead of running big brother's life, why not the whole family make a concentrated effort to improve family members lives? By stocking healthier foods in the fridge, by having the whole family be involved in healtier eating, healthier lifestyle instead of focusing and pressuring on one member of the family?

january SG

thanks everyone for activve support. i am busy with work and some other stuff recently but will return to forum asap to participate.

thanks sincerely.

xtreyier SG

How does one define happiness, from a 3rd person's perspective?

How does one define happiness, even from a 1st person perspective?

You may presume that he would become happy if 1) he found a girlfriend. 2) lost his weight to manageable healthy levels. 3) have some savings.

Thing is, even if he achieves it all, which is not impossible, will he be happy? I know of many who achieve much more than what he and you desires, and are yet NOT happy.

My point is, perhaps a bit more complex and at a consciousness level many may not have attained yet,( I will admit not even myself there yet), what is happiness to him. True happiness can only be attained by oneself, knows his own limitations, and find peace with oneself to be contented.

Otherwise he will need to break those bonds of self imposed limitations for change. Thing is, your bro doesnt seem to want to break those bonds holding him back. Thus he will have to find contentment within himself, and come to terms with his limitations, and live the life he chosed.

Fatalistic perhaps, but change can only happen by one's hand, seldom from another or hate will only grow from perceived enforcement, or he takes a leap of faith in religion, belief in a power that is mightier than himself and with that belief, a divine power to assist his change.

Sorry if it sound deep, i'm trying my best to be as simple as possible! :-P

parn SG

hello guys,

i have a elder brother who has some problems in life. he is overweight and do not have a girlfriend. Although i would like to help him, i myself and him has some friction and we quarrel also and we usually do not chit chat like friends also.

He seems to be unable to solve his life problem , and he is trapped in his current way of life, of working and free time. Apparently he is unable to solve his problem effectively. My family do try to help him and give advice but as you know, sometimes easier is said than done. It is also not easy to really change a person.

Our relationship has improved slightly recently due to some events and so this is the first good news. I hope to be really communicating well with him from now onwards successfully to prevent making things worst.

I hope i can receive some more advices from fellow forumers. Thanks a million.

Don't SG have this SDU program to help Singaporeans to socialise and meet/match with potential partners?

You might want to specify this life problem you have mentioned about your elder brother.

Overweight and not having a girlfriend doesn't seems like a problem if that is his choice in life.

insidestory SG

Overweight and not having a girlfriend doesn't seems like a problem if that is his choice in life.

Honestly, no one would rather be fat and single over being slim and attached/married. If given a choice, everyone wants to grow old together with a partner. Those who don't miss out on the chance, and came to force themselves to settle for that.

parn SG

Overweight or Underweight isn't a problem if the person is happy with who they are. It's true that not every people out there is born with good genes which allow them to have the next to perfect and desirable body parts.

Being single were never based on an individual's size or weight or bodypart to begin with. Many people prefers to force themselves onto accepting another person to be their loved ones because of peer pressure or for the sake of having a partner. But it doesn't necessary means it is the right thing to do if you were to take a general view on the numbers of rising cases regarding divorce and separation and break-ups in relationships.

I believe the problem lies in the individual who believed that success in relationship is measured in kilograms.

january SG

hi guys, finally looked at the whole thread today and would like to clarify some points. Thanks for contribution first.

My brother is unhappy about his situation. that is for sure, because there are few incidents of quarreling between me and him and he has expressed his depressive thoughts in facebook. All these are warning signs and thus i need to have a sense of urgency to work on it...

I know its no point helping people to catch fish.. but its more important to teach them. So the key is to help my brother in both ways.. how to catch fish and also help him catch sometimes . both methods got pros and cons...

When he feel better from depressed incidents, he is able to stand back on his feet. He also has quite many friends. Now, i will mention some of his main problem that we think are the root cause based on the information i gather from him, family and close relatives.

Wants to get girlfriend ---- wants to work less (currently works 6 days per week, but dunno why he cannot solve his this problem), he open a small business ------- wants to be thinner (this one most people also want to achieve a healthier and lighter weight) he is very plump at the moment.

Yes, i know that alot depends on himself, but still people around him has to think of ways to trigger the process change. It may be an action, a word, or gift. You all should know that if it is so easy to motivate oneself and do the correct common sense thing, there will not be so many problems you see in our society now.

Some people may suggest that i should not interfere because it is up to him and his life. But if i adopt such mentality.. then i am not helping him and just hoping for the best.. which i think is not right.

Thanks again..

january SG

to add on, another problem is not earning and saving enough money(this problem is also a common problem) in society

currently... i find the follwing advice good

join hobby club, dating club

ask the whole family to join in healthy lifestyle

find someone closer to him to advise him because they will be more neutral in communicating... if we family sometimes communicate... it can easily escalate into misunderstanding and quarreling... haha duno why also....

for overweight... he just like to eat unhealthy food.... desert, soft drinks... just like cannot control himself although i believe he should know that its going to make him fat..pizza, KFC..

I think some of the problems has vicious cycle... like overweight, low confidence in himself in certain areas, biological and habitual pattern of thoughts and eating, work stress, and the thinking that the family is unable to help him cos in the family only he seems to feel depress sometimes...

I like to think this as parallel to the government and poor citizen relationship. If the income gap of a country is too big... the govt did not manage to help his poorest citizens to buck up adn improve, then the country will face many problems....

Thus, i think my family and I need to really work on his problem... as in not only solving his problem entirely for him .... but also teach him and guide him so that he can help himself..... along with his direct help also... maybe like introduce girls....

Currently my family knows about this problem but only i think it is urgent to warrant serious attention and urgent working on it.... i am hoping to rope the rest of the family to work on some creative solutions other than the advices they usually give and suggest during some of the communications that have taken place....

Finally, thanks for helping me.

ShrodingersCat SG

I think most people are unhappy when they perceive imperfections in their lives.

But having mentioned that you are only recently close to him, I think you need to build up a stronger rship with him before you attempt to 'tell him what he should do'

The problem is when someone really close to you and you can trust tries to help you with your depression - people perceive it as kind advice.

But many well meaning people who are not emotionally close ENOUGH tries to give good advice end up being perceived as being critical and you may cause your brother even MORE depression.

I suggest if you wish to help him - you don't HAVE to tell him he has issues to begin with.

Ask him to accompany you for a jog because YOU wanna exercise and don't want to do it alone.

Ask him to join you to meet some new people cos you feel a bit worried about going alone. etc.

At least you get to bond with him a bit more, rather than just 'telling' him what is the right way to lead his life.

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