Haf have been dating a nice, caring guy for more than a
year now but lately, I noticed he is starting to let himself go
rapidly. Take for instance, he used to exercise regularly and he
used to show some effort in dressing up and grooming when we go
out. But within the first three months we got together, he started
putting on weight and by now I believe he must have gained at least
ten kilograms over the past one year.
I am very fond of him and will never contemplate breaking
up over the issue of looks or health but this is starting to bug
me. I don’t think we haf reached the stage in a relationship where
the things we used to overlook are now being amplified but I really
wonder why he is letting himself go so quickly. And I wonder how I
can go about encouraging him to eat healthily and exercise
regularly tactfully and effectively without seeming as a person who
nitpicks at his minor flaws.
Tried suggesting playing light sports with him but it
never seems to materialize. He falls sick quite often, shoulder
pain, chest pain, cough or a cold happens on a weekly basis. I know
his health is fairly weak but haf no idea why it seems to have
taken a nose dive lately. So much so I dare not suggest playing
sports other than strolling in the park. But even that has come to
a stop due to his hectic work hours.
When I jokingly asked him why he seems to haf gained so
much weight since we got together, he replied saying now that he
has a girlfriend, he doesn’t need to exercise or keep himself fit
that often anymore. I don’t really know if he was trying to be
funny or what. Also, he will sometimes reply saying he is older
now, metabolism rate has decreased hence the weight gain. I think
he failed his IPPT too.
Haf also tried sitting down and talking to him nicely over
this but he will ask me if I am dumping him over this. I confirm
say no. He says okay that is all that matters. And then issue is
shelved.
He consumes a lot of junk food and indulges in rich but
unhealthy food very often, which I think is normal for most guys.
When we eat out I tried suggesting healthier choices but since we
are out on a date, I don’t really want to disappoint or limit his
choice in food like a nagging mother. So will usually go
along.
But he’s letting himself go in terms of hygiene too!
Doesn’t trim his fingernails, messy hair, doesn’t shave and
basically he is a complete utter slob. It is less of an
embarrassment as I don’t care that much for having a messy or good
looking guy in my arms but what bugs me is, I miss him when we are
apart. But when we finally meet up, seeing him look like a slob is
quite disappointing and sends me packing in the opposite direction
of missing him. Am I superficial? And maybe it affects the level of
attraction I feel towards him too. If this is happening only after
one year, I cannot imagine how he is going to look like in
2010.
I know that no one in life is perfect and he does not haf
to be perfect. I just would like some advice and opinion on how to
encourage a healthier lifestyle for him or should I just let it
go?
Close one eye and accept the fact that he is what he
is?
PS: He is not poor in health to a serious extend. I think
he is just too lazy to keep fit.
Before I begin, I suggest that he do a
medical checkup to ensure that he is minimally healthy. If his
health is deteriorating, it might be a sign of other health
problems.
***
One weakness in the process of dating is
almost like being subjected to some carefully
crafted marketing campaign urging you to purchase the
product/s. The fact of the matter is that it often
conceals the flaws of the product you are being marketed to
and it remains hidden until you have bought the goods and
review them personally.
Some guys often employ the modus operandi to upsell
themselves - the promise of a brand that they think it
would assist them to achieve a better positioning,
but this upkeep cannot sustain itself simply because 'they are
not like that.' If you reckon that trying to be
someone you are not is a tiring affair - then having
to 'overvalue' your
position will inevitable force him to bite
off more than he could chew. It will reveal in the
relationship as you lead your love, in which I believe
you are currently experiencing it now.
However, when we evaluate a relationship, we should
always look at it from a holistic point of view. But we can
only achieving this in a meaningful way only if we are
brutally honest with ourselves. I do not believe that
if one sees value in certain physical aspects of a
person and that immediately makes him/her shallow. Because values
are highly relative to our developmental pathway in
life and because they are subjective, the morality of what
makes a 'good' or 'bad' value in love will
never come to an univocal agreement or
definition that is universal.
The only note about values is that it is
the association which our values are projected to manifest.
For example, if you deemed that being fat is a negative trait,
it is because you associate this trait with a group of related
negative attributes (lazy/sloppy = lack drive = lack
of ambition and self improvement, etc. Note that I
am purely giving a random example and I am not
explicitly stating that being fat absolutely have all of these
traits).
Therefore what you are being turned off is more than
just he 'being fat' but rather, by default, you
might not be attracted to mates with
such associated attributes. Therefore, I am
establishing the point that one cannot be deemed as
superficial just because our values are different.
I would like you to consider two thoughts:
i) If you have the intention to 'see the greater picture' and
decide to compromise on your personal values of what you reckon as
a suitable mate in view of a harmonious relationship, then do
not seek to heighten any mote of displeasure to fuel
any unhappiness, should you encounter any crisis/arguments during
the course of your relationship in the future.
One positive point to note is that your significant other
probably has other strength that you are attracted to and these
help to compensate certain flaws (or at least knowing that people
are not perfect, it's a trade off). Remember, we should always
review the relationship holistically and not adopt the
concept of reductionism.
ii) If you can't, then I suggest you sit down and have real
communication - both mutually realistic and
achievable expectation of what both of you seek and
look for in the relationship. The worst is when you
reckon that 'all is well' when in fact it isn't. I do not
believe in escapism because the worst of relationships often have
such way of management (Especially Neptune-afflicted
relationship).
Since it has already been a year - if you see
that you are steering towards a potential storm, you have
to decide if you want to redirect your course to safer
grounds or heed blindly to an unknown squall that
could damage your relationship
irrevocably. 
Cheers
