if you love someone, would you accept anything about his or her
past?
if you cant, does it mean you dont love him enough?
when i got together with my bf, he told me everything about his
past. i thought i could bear with it, but as time goes by, i start
to mind alot of the things he did.
he had one night stand with a stranger. it may be common for
people nowadays, but being a conservative person, i find it
intolerable. needless to say, i am very affected by this
unchangable fact.
He explained to me he did it out of pure curiosity. It was his
first time doing it and the last. he claimed he did not enjoy it at
all even though his 'erhem' felt good. i cannot believe. After
seeing a woman naked, fondling her breasts, doing 'it' with her,
and later chat with her on the bed with her being naked and also at
the same time squeezing her breasts...and later still went to have
supper together and back to the hotel and stayed until morning. So
much time together and having such intimate actions...is it really
possible not to be attracted to her at all? even not to her body
alone? i really dont believe.... and i have been bothered by this
constantly....
Anyone can suggest how can i overcome this? i really need
help.
You are experiencing disequilibrium in
managing your beliefs against this
new input forced into your thoughts. Your difficulty stem
from having to reconcile these two different set
of values into a harmonious equation. Unless
there is a shift of perception (or adoption of some newly
constructed ones) - you will behave/react/feel in a way as if
your boyfriend has cheated on you, which is of course
detrimental to the growth of your love.
Personally, I do not think it's wise to share events that
occurred in the past, ESPECIALLY if it doesn't value add the
relationship. Some people think that they are being 100%
open about themselves, but that's terrible one-sided because no
matter what we think we have communicated, we are never 100%
open. (Some people intentionally communicate such information,
but that is another topic altogether and I won't touch on that
here).
The other side of the coin (which is the greater evil) is
that there are even more people who can't handle
certain 'truth', even if it's in the past. I will
explain a little: it's paramount that we maintain an
open honest relationship with our current love. However
the catch is that this responsibility only covers our current
relationship - it doesn't mean that we should regress and
extend this coverage into the past -
ad infinitum.
The goal of love should always be forward looking - in
regression, we could only seek to achieve little.
My lecturer once told me that when he was younger, he smoke pot
- once. He doesn't like it and still grows up like any other
law-bidding citizen in the country. Having to experiment it once
doesn't make him a drug addict. You see, many people get into
fights, steal or do stupid things when they are younger, but
that doesn't necessary mean that they are potential
violent murderers/robbers/thief (of course, unless the
behaviour is reinforced in regular negative pattern and
conditioned by their environment) because if so, most of us are in
fact criminals.
We need to consider the component of a person's ability to
evolve themselves, especially if it's just a one time off.
Of course, this principle is less reliable
if your boyfriend has history of engaging in ONS as
compared to a one time off situation.
You are definitely entitled to your own beliefs
and feelings. Just that, with all that focus onto his past,
you could have spend that same deal of energy into making this
relationship meaningful for the both of you.
Having a deontology belief, imho, does not relate to
every case. 
Cheers
