how to discipline siblings?

x4dish SG

My brother just stole my father's, my mother's and my credit cards... and spent a total of $600+ on maple cash for the stupid game.

ever since we were young (im 12 years older than him), hes been stealing my things. toys, pens, books, etc etc, and since those were small things, we thought it was nothing. then this year, when he reached pri5, he started stealing my phone to use, used my grandmother's phone to download phone games, and caused our phone bills to jump.

still my parents thought it was nothing.

then he took my atm card and thankfully, he couldnt use it coz he didn't know my pin.

my parents thought it was nothing, gave him a short lecture and that was that.

it pains me to see my brother going this way. he changed a lot since he reached p5 (rebellious age?) and started sneaking out of the house, going out for long hours, spending hours on the phone... and now this. we should have seen it coming, but my parents are just too busy and dote on my brother too much to take any solid action. and all that happened after they found out about the latest incident was banning him from the computer, grounding him, and making him finish a pile of assessment books.

what im concerned about is: the problem obviously goes deeper than just this, but what the heck is going on i dont know. anyone care to advise? tough to talk to my parents on this, they just dont seem to have the time to take my brother in hand. so more or less, i have to do something about it. i dont wanna see my own brother turn into some thief and get sent to the boys home in future.

please help? =/

xtreyier SG

To solve a problem, it would be best to go the root and take each issue objectively by itself instead of a general view if it does not warrant such views.

The theft of cards for game would only occur due to his desire for the game. It must have been denied to him, so much that he had to resorting to stealing it. It is a crime and should not go unpunished, no matter the circumstances.

However, one can create fear thru punishment, but it does not make the person realized the error of his ways, except to know that he would be in pain if he gets caught. It will only help him be more cunning next time.

The other way is to explain to him why it was wrong. Most likely he will turn a deaf ear. No one loves to listen to lectures, such as what I am doing here. But always, first - the explaination and how that theft will affect other lives - his and the ones he stole from, for all needs money for their own hopes and dreams.

Secondly, let him know that if he truly wants something, then he must work for it, not steal. Give him a task that is not too difficult or too easy to perform, for that he can understand the VALUE of the exchange, eg - summarise 3 books within 2 weeks. It helps his education in many ways. The more expensive the item, the more the effort he is required to perform.

Thirdly, if you truly care about his future where your parents are too busy to care, it will be your responsibility to help him. If he came from a well to do family, and discipline lax, then he must be taught never to take such blessings for granted.

Take him along for social work on some spare time, and let him see how the less priviledged people live and work. It will open his eyes and children being naturally inquisitive, will start to think, and that process leads to maturity, so long as he have an adult beside him to guide him along.

Fourthly, spend some time understanding his peers and who they are. A trip to his school to talk to his teachers to shed better insight on the hours he spent at school no one at home really knows. It would be iformative and help you acess on how to guide him - are his friends the rough and unruly type, the rich kids type or the decent types, etc...

Without going on too long, in summary - use the right punishment, the right carrot and stick treatment, the right guidance for a precious young mind, and he will turn out fine, in time and with patience. A young child is a long term project, not an overnight work of art.

Good luck.

tut4nkh4m3n SG

seems like the only way is the hard way, the cold-turkey way...

Rooney9 SG

confront him and tell him if he does it again, will report to police.

then he will think twice. if he does it again, kick him out of the house.

donkhead333 SG

What the...

If he is so daring as to steal from his parents, what would he do during the times of confusion between 14-16?

I honestly do not know what you could possibly do for him..."spare the rod and spoil the child", but I believe that it is already too late for that. Discipline via physical punishment is not effective past the early years.

"he has changed a lot.." - It seems to suggest that it might be due to a negative influence that causes this show of undesirable behavior. It is imperative that your parents and you explore his life in school, his circle of friends, etc. Gaming is merely a small part of the parcel, as I have went through.

Explain to him the concept and importance of being frugal, of saving for rainy days. How hard is it for your parents to earn money, etc etc. At the same time, weigh the momentary happiness of mapling/having fun as compared to character building and focusing on education - planning for the long term.

I hope all goes well for your brother - it is very encouraging to see a sibling being so concerned. You, as an elder brother/sister, is at a closer distance to influence him, to be a role model. From experience, I listen to my brother's advice much more often than my parents'. So yea, good luck!

x4dish SG

thanks for the advice... when im able to take leave, ill make a trip down to his school. the thing is, nobody supervises him except my grandmother. the 4 adults at home are my parents, me and my grandma, whos illiterate and too old to constantly keep an eye on my brother. not to mention i have another sister who just started primary school. and my parents and i are always bogged down with work even when we're home.

my parents haven't told anyone else about this, including his teachers. a problem of face i guess.

im not really concerned about the game, im more concerned about his attitude towards life. how can he steal from his own family? its not the first time that he has shown no respect for other people's property, but hes only 11 and already such audacity. makes me wonder what he will get up to when he reaches secondary school...

anyone can tell me any good ways to get him to respect property?

x4dish SG

the thing is, he doesn't listen to anybody. when hes lectured for anything that he's done, he just keeps quiet. and my father is the kind that gets hot-headed and starts shouting, and when the target keeps quiet, he works it off. so the problem was never addressed. and till now, we have no idea why he did it. (although we have good guesses)

it was impossible to worm a confession out of him. the best was a nod or shake of the head.

i know its just the tip of the iceberg, i went through such phases back in my teens too but i never

1. stole from parents (maybe coins for the vending machine, but that's no big deal

2. got up to so many antics when i was 11

3. was stupid enough to do things like that which i knew i could never run from.

so what bothers me is

1. how to get him to respect property

2. how to solve that reckless streak in him (stealing without thinking of the consequences)

any other ideas guys? =/

Py ho SG

From your descriptions, your brother listen to your parents and only your parents can influence him. If he steals from your family and gets away with it. He will think this is his birth right and will not change this habit.

The root of the problems is :- Why do he steals?

Is it because he envy all others including you had handphones, freedom and things he do not have at the moment.

Schooling is tough and achieve results are very hard. I had steal in the past too.

I think stealing can be a way to get temporary freedom and be happy from the pressure of schooling.

Instead of deny him this things, why not think of how to help he achieve it?

for example, you can ask him to work hard in his studies. When he achieved the target you will give him a reward or some money.

You can also help him in his studies and homework. With stronger bond between you and him, he can learn to trust you and listen to your advise.

Don't borther to tell him he is wrong, the point is he already knows it. Try not to lecture him. Instead try to point the correct path, and encourage him to lead the correct one.

Good Luck!

Lokey SG

kids are very hard to tackle. I give you two real cases of theft from my friends and you do the thinking.

Case 1:

E was caught stealing cash card from cars. E's father said that his son was stealing because of the excitement of stealing. But E claimed that he was out of money to buy cigarettes. Why he did not ask for more pocket money? He said it was because he knew that his dad would give him a hard time.

Case 2:

A was caught robbery and stealing. A claimed that he actually did not really know what he was doing. He learnt this from his friends. At first he was afraid but later he got used to it. And the money he got actually give them out to his friends.

Analyze blah.

x4dish SG

i know what youre saying.. but we cant possibly give him anything like 500-600 a month. hes only 11. and its tough keeping your wants and your morals in balance.

just told him about how serious it actually is, and if he was 18 and above, it is a criminal offence, didnt lecture, just let him know the severity of his actions.

and he definitely didn't steal for the thrill of it, as far as i know. he comes from the same primary school that i did, and from what i noticed whenever i drive past his school, the discipline there is getting worse, so it is possible that he was influenced by bad company.

he doesn't listen to my parents any more than he listens to me. most of the time he just closes up whenever we try to discuss any wrongdoing. maybe its because my father is hot-tempered, he flares up whenever my brother or sister does something out of line.

i know schooling is tough. but he's a smart kid, studying isnt a problem to him at all, just like it was never a problem for me and my mother. thanks for my mum's genes. somehow i think its because

1. school is no kick to him

2. hes too fun loving, does things on impulse (belongs to the group that thinks much less than they do)

what scares me most is that he had no plan of getting away from the offence. most criminals actually do have some sort of escape plan, other than those impulse crimes. but his couldnt have been an impulse crime, the money was spent over 2 months. it worries me because i really cant guess what hes thinking. perhaps he just got carried away? i think it goes deeper than that, hes not dumb enough to think you can spend 600+ and have no one notice.

damn, i think i need a psychological assessment for him.

and ya, we gave him all the freedom he can have at 11. he has a touch screen phone of his own, freedom to go out on his own, almost endless online time. heck, i never had those when i was his age. how do you explain to a little kid that some freedoms come only when youre of age and earning your own keep?

and another thing. my father is so lax with their discipline nowadays unless they piss him off somehow (my little bro and sis). back in my days, it was the cane if i did so much as spill water on the floor. my father cant seem to accept what im saying, which is that he needs to be firmer on them... how?

Rooney9 SG

he could be suffering from kleptomania lar, urge to steal. go seek help from a psychiatrist.

xtreyier SG

You will need time to study him. You may see everyday and think you know him well, for his is of your blood and a brother. But the reality is that you dont know him at all, for none can read what is in his mind.

The only way to find out is through his actions. It betrays his hidden perceptions. No longer a boy but not yet a man, still naive and not mature enough to cover up his tracks, revealing his misdeeds, thoughtlessness, recklessness and idleness with academic subjects.

That he no longer listens to your parents and you would mean he had found someone else, a role model whom he trusts, look up to, and accepts his guidance. Growing adults are easily influenced. Who is this person? You must find out. The clues would be the hp number and sms he talks to the most, the ones whom he hangs out the most. It's not even limited to real people, but idols he worships on TV, movies, or songs.

Once you find out who he is, then study that person - his personality, background, habits and attitudes. If he is harmless, then let it be, a phase you brother will have to outgrow. If that person is harmful, the only way you can help your brother is to be one he can trust instead, and wean him off that influential person.

No matter how much he tries to hide, he will have likes and dislikes. It will be up to you to play on both feelings to lead him to your side. For example, surprise him with foods, movies, concerts, etc. Not on a daily basis, but not too far apart that he drifts away from you. If even animals can reciprocate feelings of genuine care and concern, why not humans, much less a child?

Once you have developed closer feelings with him, he will begin to trust you, and listen to your words more attentively. Consider also this - had you and your family dished out more of the stick than the carrot before him, which resulted in him turning to others for comfort and solace?

It will be big task for you, but the rewards will be great, for you may have turned his life for better once you succeed. But if you give up, then boys home and the prison awaits if he continues on his destructive naive path...

pheeoner SG

Be patient with him, I believe @ his age, he's already ready to challange authority/all the lectures you've given him. Try getting him to understand it's morally wrong and also to learn to stand in the POV of others/victims of his stealings, etc shopkeepers.

ulquiorra87 SG

IMHO he has been raised without knowledge of boundaries(cause parents are too lax) and what needs to be done is for you and your parents to harshly and very firmly enforce these boundaries ,even though it is late, without causing resentment which may backfire and cause him to be even more rebellious

This means having consequences equivalent in magnitude to the crime and rewarding rational honest behaviour

As he gets older it'll get harder and harder to enforce these boundaries and he'll end up doing as he please and become real trouble

TrueHeart SG

My brother just stole my father's, my mother's and my credit cards... and spent a total of $600+ on maple cash for the stupid game.

still my parents thought it was nothing.

then he took my atm card and thankfully, he couldnt use it coz he didn't know my pin.

my parents thought it was nothing, gave him a short lecture and that was that.

please help? =/

Hi x4dish,

I have a friend whose child behaves similarly to your younger brother. As she has to work long hours each day with her husband, the only person looking after the child is her maid.

The child grown to be very rebellious, and often steal his parents' money to buy prepaid cards for an online game which he is playing. His father got so angry that he used a spanner to smash the monitor, and threw away the entire Desktop.

However, that did not change a thing, since he can visit his friends and play using their desktop. In the end, my friend resigned from her job and became a housewife to look after her son. Though he still plays online games almost everyday when I last heard from my friend, she has managed to put a tab on his daily actions, and thus prevent him from stealing from the family or playing for too long.

I know very well that online games are extremely addictive, for my boyfriend will be a "very good" example. He use to play World of Warcraft for tens of hours straight, and even once forgotten about our date and kept me waiting for more than an hour. It was only when I threatened to breakup with him that he willingly mend his ways.

Hence, to help your brother move on back to the right track, someone in your family who is of the more authoritative type has to look after him. Unfortunately, grandparents are usually not suitable for this task. Thus, if your parents both have to work, they may wish to hire a strict guardian to look after your younger sibling.

Adding on, just as I have used our relationship to force my boyfriend to cut down on gaming, you can request the guardian to lock up the desktop and prohibit your brother from playing whenever he steals from the family. This is to force him to stop stealing.

Please do not go to the extreme extent of destroying the desktop though.

Cheers.

x4dish SG

i finally got him to confess... his grand plan was actually to steal the credit card, use it, and when the bill comes he will hide it...

im concerned because of his morals, and because he actually thought up such a stupid plan... how can he actually think no one would notice when $600 goes missing?

we're keeping the morals part in control now, but how to teach him to be smarter in future? hes always doing stupid things and getting screwed for them...

and ya, definitely we need to teach him to be street-smart and dependable with morals

jojobeach SG

i finally got him to confess... his grand plan was actually to steal the credit card, use it, and when the bill comes he will hide it...

im concerned because of his morals, and because he actually thought up such a stupid plan... how can he actually think no one would notice when $600 goes missing?

we're keeping the morals part in control now, but how to teach him to be smarter in future? hes always doing stupid things and getting screwed for them...

and ya, definitely we need to teach him to be street-smart and dependable with morals

Your brother needs to visit a qualified child/teenager psychologist.

There are underlying issues he has that goes beyond morals and consequences.

Early intervention is important.

Your parents to him, are not his loved ones. The problem runs deep. Seek help before it's too late.

TrueHeart SG

i finally got him to confess... his grand plan was actually to steal the credit card, use it, and when the bill comes he will hide it...

im concerned because of his morals, and because he actually thought up such a stupid plan... how can he actually think no one would notice when $600 goes missing?

we're keeping the morals part in control now, but how to teach him to be smarter in future? hes always doing stupid things and getting screwed for them...

and ya, definitely we need to teach him to be street-smart and dependable with morals

Hi x4dish,

The reason why he is doing such silly things without thinking through properly is because he is acting more on his instinct than anything else. This can be troublesome, since he will have disregarded his own moral compass in such a case.

Being street-smart is a result of experience rather than words, thus you may have to let him learn things the hard way if he is to continue to act in his current manner. The most important thing which your family can teach him now, besides morality, is to actually think through the consequences of his actions before performing them.

Cheers.