there was a girl whom i loved deeply with
all my heart. my love and care for her was genuine. i
wld be there for her. almost every night i wld be by her
side, when she's alone in another land. she was going through
tough times, and i tried my best to be with her. to keep her
company, to hold her hand and tell her everything wld be ok, to
have faith and keep going.
most of the time, she wasn't with me though
physically i was with her. she was wrestling with her past,
with herself. sometimes i provided the calm amidst the storm,
other times i stirred up a bigger storm.
i felt side-tracked most of the time.
my motivation to be with her dwindled by the day.
occasionally when her attention was brought back to the present and
she was reminded of and acknowledged my existence, i felt
happy yet sad. i wanted to leave many times, but somehow
every time i decided to leave, i would see or hear something to
remind me of her, which made me feel compelled to turn back to her
once more. hence our story extends episode after
episode. every time you thought it's the end, something would
spring up, leaving the story 'to be continued'.
like her, i asked myself where is this going
? the flame dims and relives... so many obstacles
seem to pop up all the time to try and extinguish this fragile
flame.
i feel tired, so does she. what to do
? she asked if i would be hers. i hesitated, not
because i didn't love her, but because the past hurts made me
disheartened.
to be in a committed relationship, besides love,
trust is crucial. recent happenings have caused me to lose
the trust in her. i'm so deeply hurt by a recent incident and
discovery, that i can't feel love for her anymore. overnight,
i feel that this is a stranger i'm waking up to. who is she
? why is she telling me one thing, but doing something else
behind my back ? was she lying to me all this while ? why was
she so selfish to keep me like that ? many questions flooded
my mind. the recent incident is traumatic. i was
shocked to discover the truth. the heart which once flowed
with love for her is blocked. i don't know what / how to
speak to her. she says i've turned cold to her
suddenly. i can't help it. i don't recognise the face
of one whom i once loved dearly.
one major obstacle is her past, which came back
time and again to haunt her and sabotage us. this is one area
which she couldn't give me firm assurance. if she hated her
past so much, why is she engaging it ? what is she trying to
tell me by her actions ? does she even have any respect for
me ? where does her heart lie ? why was she part of the hurt
that the past caused me ? why did she allow me to be hurt, if
she indeed loves me as she claimed ? why didn't she do more
to protect me from being hurt ? what does she take me for
?
sometimes, when we do things, we have to think
what is the impression we are giving others by our actions.
what is the impact of our actions. actions do speak louder
than words.
i hate to be lied to. i really hate
it.
don't try to manipulate or
influence me with pretty words. i don't buy it. show me
with your actions that you really mean it.
i feel betrayed. i have lost trust in
her.
initially i returned to say yes to her.
unfortunately i discovered a grisly truth. it's
traumatic. my heart is blocked. i can't feel anything
now. i can't recall how she's like, how we used to be
together, the love we once had for each other. i can't feel
or recall any of that associated with her
the stuff that i see going back n forth between
her and her past is too disgusting for me to bear. their
faces are ugly, and yet their mouths sprout love. it's
a defilement of something sacred.
p/s : honestly i didn't
feel like talking about it. but i thought it wld be good to
tell my side of the story