Severe r/s problems....help pls

Jetdreamer SG

Hi all,

I'm facing this severe r/s problem with my gf of 1 year. Well, let me try to cut the long story short.

My gf is indo-chinese staying in Indonesia. When we first came together and I happened to see these photos of this guy XX in her laptop, I asked her who that was. She replied that they are just very good friends. I then asked her if she has liked him before since she has gone out on one-on-one basis with this guy before. She replied no.

Well somehow I managed to discover it's a lie. They were actually a couple for 1 year before. She only admitted after countless lies and me exposing her lies countless times. That was excruciating, the entire process.

And she knows another guy YY. They are good friends and met while he was in Indonesia on business. They already know each other before she met me. Because of my suspicion of her due to XX, I demanded to see her email. She stubbornly refused to. Finally she relented and when I checked, on first look there was nothing. Then when I went to the recycle bin, I found YY's email there. Well, it was a business related email but he called my gf dear. And my gf said that she misses him. When I confronted her, she just said that they are very close friends and that's how they call each other. But later she admitted that if she was in my shoes, she wouldn't like it either.

Well after those lies, I forgave her and moved on. But we had many other problems due to strong personality differences. We are both individuals who need to feel loved before we can love each other back. She has been a faithful gf I believe and she has always been a good listening ear. We have shared many happy moments together too.

Recently, I had some problems with a senior at work. She tried to counsel me by smashing the truth right in front of my face without empathising with me first. I felt that she was justifying my senior first. Well, I can understand she wants me to see the truth but there was hardly any sensitivity in the way she counseled me. She just wanted to do it the way she thought was right. I felt even more down. Subsequently, I felt better but she insisted to me initially that she doesn't feel sorry about the way she counseled me. After some argument, she realised she could have given more empathy and then she apologised.

She insisted that "a person can only change so much", "a lot has been cultivated since young" etc. But for me, I believe if I'm wrong, I would change, no matter what age I am. She believes a couple should accept each other the way they are, not change each other. I agree to a large extent but we must always be flexible too. She's just very very stubborn, she likes to talk in circles. When she means yes, she says no. That results in a lot of arguments. I find that I can't take her stubborness anymore.

Well, there were many many more disagreements we had. I love her and would like to be with her. She feels the same too. But the problem is sometimes we both feel that we have reached the end of the road. How can I live with her after marriage? Can I change myself? Please help........feeling very very troubled.

PS: No retarded or childish comments pls. Genuine advice seriously needed.

TrueHeart SG

Hi all,

I'm facing this severe r/s problem with my gf of 1 year. Well, let me try to cut the long story short.

PS: No retarded or childish comments pls. Genuine advice seriously needed.

Hi JetDreamer,

The first thing you will have to ask yourself is that how far are you willing to change for her, and if she is willing to do anything on her part. If you feel that you are just pretending to be someone who you are not right now, then odds are the "changes" you make now are just temporary. Thus, after marriage, life will be difficult for the both of you after you revert back to who you are.

On her side, you should try and ensure that she isn't hiding anything more from you. I am sorry to say this, but it will be better for you to try out if she is two-timing or doing anything of this sort. If she is, it will not be surprise if she has extramarital relationships once the two of you tie the knot.

Do not mind what your senior has said. Instead, see for yourself if your gf is willing to change herself for the relationship between the two of you. If she is unwilling to do so and continue to hid things from you, your relationship will turn sour and break down soon enough.

mancha SG

When you do not see her for a few hours or days, and don't know where she is, what are your thoughts?

Do you think married life will be any different from the present?

I forsee your relationship, if it proceed into marriage, to have more heated quarrels than happy moments.

There is no trust.

xtreyier SG

I sensed a tiredness in your writing. Perhaps...the answer lies within you...only that,...you are not prepared, or ready, or even...want to face it.

Your mind which controls rationality is telling you one thing, but your heart, enriched by your better personal experiences with her, is telling you another.

Within this turmoil, you are hesitant and lost,,,hoping for an answer, a solution..that may bridge or reconcile your mind with your heart.

You are not alone in such turmoil. Many a person in love faces such dilemma. This is something we had never been taught, nor can it ever be taught. The geniuses in the world themselves have no answer.

When faced with such situations, there is only one choice. A choice, and not a solution, for in that choice is one of which no mortal will ever be able to see immediately if it is the right one where you will be forever happy, or forever sad.

But the reality is that there is no choice whereby it will ever lead to perpetual happiness or sadness. The journey of life had always been one akin to a roller coaster, of ups and downs, at times downright cruel runs, but at times happy exhilarating twists.

To believe that marriage will bring absolute happiness is a lie. To believe that marriage will bring total sadness is equally a lie. To be happy, or to be sad, is a choice that is within our grasp daily. This is a reality, as real as the sun that rises from the East and sets in the West.

It is within our power, to give and recieve happiness. And is equally so, to give and recieve sadness. Half a glass of water is a reality. But it is your mental capacity to see it as either half full, signifying there still is water, or to look at it as half empty, signifying the water had ran out and left that little there.Only you alone can determine the answer, an answer that will determine your mental state and perspectives

Marriage is a serious contemplation. There are many reasons to avoid it, but there are equally many reasons to want it.

Walk away, and you must never, ever regret it.

But to continue on, will take plenty of patience, very very much of it, as well as courage, to begin that roller coaster ride. You are already riding it, for the run had began once you reached adulthood, how much more better, if you have one that you love and loves you to keep each other company, come hell or highwater, bonded by the love that you both still share to always keep it alive by better communication and courage?

I apologise if i cant help you much, for I have no solution for you. I believe none has, for It is your life, and your call to make. It would take courage to make decisions, and everyone one of us humans have that, which often turn things around quite dramatically, even when the odds are against success. It comes from your heart, where you love lays.

Good luck.

spade1 SG

my advice - dump her... don't care
about it anymore, stuff like this in pre-marriage will be amplified 10 times in marriage. Marriage won't solve anything but it serves to amplify everything. You like her because she must be quite pretty right? especially with all the other guys' attention... there are a tonne of other pretty girls out there. If you have high self esteem, that's all that's needed to get girls...

Fugazzi SG

TS,

Knowing this helps - attachment, need, expectations is not love. When it is the former, it is exploitation: as much of each other for one's fulfilment.

As for changing another, it is nigh impossible and it is circumscribing love and freedom of another.

ShrodingersCat SG

think you already have your answer.

Sometimes inherent personality differences cause problems in a relationship. How much can you change for another person? I think just got to cut your losses and be realistic. ULtimately, if you need to try so hard just to be happy, there's something very wrong.

heathers SG

Hi all,

I'm facing this severe r/s problem with my gf of 1 year. Well, let me try to cut the long story short.

PS: No retarded or childish comments pls. Genuine advice seriously needed.

It really depends on how badly you want the relationship to work and how much room you have for compromise.

By the way, your girlfriend sounds exactly like my boyfriend. Especially the part where she counselled you by throwing the truth in your face without a shred of empathy. Afterwards, he doesn't even feel sorry for his use of harsh words because in his world, logic and rationality rule over emotions. On some levels, I find my emotional needs unmet by the one who's supposed to support and comfort me when I'm feeling down. At first it was frustrating, lonely and upsetting. But what the heck, I've learned to seek that understanding and common ground from good friends instead of my boyfriend.

Expecting him to fulfil all aspects of my needs seem too much to ask for. But that's just me. I prefer to be more realistic when it comes to bgr. There's no perfect relationship in this world. So it all comes down to managing my feelings and expectations.

If you need that comfort from her and she cannot seem to provide, then it's best for you to find someone well suited to your temperament and communication style.

When it comes to the topic of change, I think it's important to accept that neither you nor your girlfriend can turn into a completely different person. On the overall, people don't change that much. What you see now, is pretty much what you get in the long run.

Fire Cracker SG

TS,

after reading what u typed.

i have a suggestion. a typical one which every guy will do if they are in your shoe.

it's to leave her. break off with her.

what's the point of being with her when u cannot accept her as what she is, and demand her to change. u find out the truth, and u cannot accept it. it's time for u to let go.

your love for her isn't deep enough. your trust to her is = 0 . u got no trust toward her. after xx, come yy, after yy, when will xx be coming?

you said she constantly lied to u. a good gf will not constantly lie to her bf. obvious she don't love u enough. she call other people dear. dear = bf. dear = lover. u won't know what's going on between them.

even if u marry her, u will rack up her pass, and misery will continue until u die.

u seek suggestion, advice in the forum on your love problem, meaning u can't handle a love situation.

when your gf is being tackled by another guy (which is very very very comon), u turned the table and blamed on her being no faithful, being kinky and being flirty. but what happened if that another guy is 100 times better then u, in $$$, in look, in manner, and can make her happy. instead of thinking of how to make her feel happier and win back her heart, u exploited into her personal emails and scanned thru everything. must you really do that a not?

if u r the one which have another lady, and that another lady is 100000 times better then your current gf, i think u will have dump the current one, if the current one create lots of fuss and misery to u.

now u r the guy who creats lots of fuss and misery to her. either u treat her better to win back her heart, or u let her go.

simple, u let her go, u can go look for "better" girl.

brainerror SG

give and take.sit down, talk to her.let each other listens to their side.
in a relationship, if you got no communications, you cant move on :D
remember, the key to it is, give and take :D

Jetdreamer SG

TS,

after reading what u typed.

i have a suggestion. a typical one which every guy will do if they are in your shoe.

it's to leave her. break off with her.

what's the point of being with her when u cannot accept her as what she is, and demand her to change. u find out the truth, and u cannot accept it. it's time for u to let go.

your love for her isn't deep enough. your trust to her is = 0 . u got no trust toward her. after xx, come yy, after yy, when will xx be coming?

even if u marry her, u will rack up her pass, and misery will continue until u die.

u seek suggestion, advice in the forum on your love problem, meaning u can't handle a love situation.

now u r the guy who creats lots of fuss and misery to her. either u treat her better to win back her heart, or u let her go.

simple, u let her go, u can go look for "better" girl.

Thanks everyone for your kind replies but I can really identify with this advice from fire cracker.

Your views have given me a different perspective. And you have simplified many matters. Either I treat her better or I let her go. No point raking up the past again and again. Perhaps I haven't loved her enough to think from a positive perspective instead of a negative one. But just to clarify that if i do ask about a guy which I happened to chance upon in her laptop, I would have appreciated the truth and moved on. But those lies were all it took, u get what i mean :)

I will do my best to win her heart back. I will also go about trying to change my fundamental flaws, that's provided she willing to give me a 2nd chance lah. Thanks everyone once again :)

Jetdreamer SG

It really depends on how badly you want the relationship to work and how much room you have for compromise.

If you need that comfort from her and she cannot seem to provide, then it's best for you to find someone well suited to your temperament and communication style.

yeh i feel your empathy.......u understand how it feels to be thrown advice without getting the soft touch. But I feel that there's only so long you can have your friends as alternative listeners. After all, it is your husband who walks the lifetime journey with you.

It was not easy for us to stay together despite so many disagreements and quarrels. Don't think I will give up just like that. We can't find another person just like that right? No one is perfect after all.

Yes, I do agree that it is important to manage our feelings and expectations. Since my gf's belief is what a person is, what a person will be. ......I guess I have to work on adjusting to her in this aspect. But for me, I still believe that life is a journey, no matter how old we are, if we have areas for improvement, we must do it. Well that applies to me lah.

Fugazzi SG

TS,

Muse over this

Two wolves (being, INNER) reside in each of us, the first is needs, fears, beliefs (eg, customs, traditons, religion), jealousy,comparing sympathy,possesivness, insecurity, fear of loss , anger, prejudice, always reacts ... the second is love, kindness, emphaty , gratitude, unlimiting beliefs always responds.

The one that is fed daily evolves - whom are u feeding, even as u are reading it now?

Both is love - but with a BIG difference - the first is a relationship, the second relates to what IS.

the first is ego- based personality! - it eventually suffocates and kills the... (one remains accidental/stuck on the periphery) - the bird is always trying to take off but wings are always clipped - cos love has become bondage here - the giving here is to take back (lots of expectations) - though one assumes that one is sharing in reality one is a burden on another. One is being selfiish here.Why? cos one is being a burden when one expects the other to change, conform, fulfil ... Here it is fear-based needs (not love) and the anxiety is there to quickly make it a relationship. One is insecure. One is or remains shallow. One is mired in a pond! One remains a seed, a mere potential.Relationship is or used as a mechanism: using ... putting aside, using again and so on so forth. The other or another is a means to an end to one's needs, expectations and ...

the second is soul-infused individuality! - it is everflowing abundant phenomena (essential/centre), it is a bird on a wing - one wing is love, and the other is freedom - love is freeing - the giving here is simply sharing what one IS, appreciating what IS. Here it is love unto itself and one simply relates - one is self-FULL here. One flows with existence like a river and partakes of what the other 'is'.One is abundantly rich within - hence one relates without fear(s) and one has no reason(s) to love. One has plunged to the very depths of one's being and the seed within has blossomed. Here the love is in motion, hence the word 'relating'. The means and the end(s) are unto themselves.

Relationship is tenuous, relating is beautiful. Relationship is one thing, interdependence totally another. Relationship means one is separate; one independent and so is the other, and one decides to relate. Relationship is not interdependence, it is a contract bet two independent persons. Hence most relationships are 'shallow', because basically independence is false or misintepreted. Nobody is independent -- and if one is not independent how can one relate? With whom can one relate?

The predicament of many is that they search and desire 'answers' on all four quarters outside of themselves and prop themselves up with whatever that resonates/validates them. However, they overlook this: it is a prop, when it is removed or gone ... one is bound to collapse. The 'answers' are and have been all along within; what is missing is the essential, the accidental - aplenty!

The above is metaphysical n expansive - not confined to relationships or marriage but other areas of one's daily ... and what- have -you.

PS - two personalities can only relate when they are conscious of their personas and know that behind the curtain of .... are two throbbing individuals. Otherwise, it is at most superficial n shallow - one never penetrates to the core of the other's individuality.

Superimposed on a circle - one can only understand, accept n transcend, one cannot improve on a circle! The centre is being essential; the circumference(periphery) is being accidental

Centre means - having a porous ego. self-'full' - one simply flows n responds

Accidental means - one is egoistic, one lives with 'what was' or 'what it should be' and one reacts

Fire Cracker SG

Thanks everyone for your kind replies but I can really identify with this advice from fire cracker.

I will do my best to win her heart back. I will also go about trying to change my fundamental flaws, that's provided she willing to give me a 2nd chance lah. Thanks everyone once again :)

in love there is no such things as chances. it's either u accept who she is and also need to give her privacy.

its her laptop. even if she's your wife she have the right to dis allow u to interfere with who she is having as her friend. or how her friend call her, or why must she let u touch her laptop. u got no right. it's her laptop, not yours. so she no need to explain anything to u. so her lies? what lies? she no need to explain anything to u.

u r only her bf, which in a sec, u can become her no body, not even a friend. your relationship with her is not stable yet. if u want to win her back, the effort is x 2. u r now competiting for her with other guys.

take for example, if i like this girl so much, i won't bother she got bf or what, i will go after her, unless she reject, i will tackle her in any possible way, until one day when her current bf don't trust her, quarrel with her, and she broke with him, i will be there for her. so where's your ground? she is still your gf now, why make her life miserable? and she's right, what she is , is what she is. if u r looking for someone with different character, then don;t choose her, if she change for u, she is faking herself. the relation won't last long. just accept who she is.

those guy who want her gf to be perfect, to have no friends other then himself. to obey him, to do everything the way he want, is in a very bad relation, or is still single.

Mybluemoon SG

haiz... :((

Jetdreamer SG

TS,

Muse over this

The one that is fed daily evolves - whom are u feeding, even as u are reading it now?

Both is love - but with a BIG difference - the first is a relationship, the second relates to what IS.

The above is metaphysical n expansive - not confined to relationships or marriage but other areas of one's daily ... and what- have -you.

Superimposed on a circle - one can only understand, accept n transcend, one cannot improve on a circle! The centre is being essential; the circumference(periphery) is being accidental

Centre means - having a porous ego. self-'full' - one simply flows n responds

Accidental means - one is egoistic, one lives with 'what was' or 'what it should be' and one reacts

Thanks Fugazzi, thanks for expanding on your earlier post. Very profound words you've got there. Very psychological and very philosophical. I totally appreciate your perspectives. Maybe you're just so right........the answers all lie within....and we should accept what IS, then the love flows........thanks. Very touched by your answers. Really.

Jetdreamer SG

in love there is no such things as chances. it's either u accept who she is and also need to give her privacy.

those guy who want her gf to be perfect, to have no friends other then himself. to obey him, to do everything the way he want, is in a very bad relation, or is still single.

well, she was just showing me some pictures in her laptop when we were sitting on the sofa....having some leisure time together. I didnt ask for it in the first place. And we do have a belief of sharing P & C stuff between us. Hope you respect that :)

heathers SG

Friends walk the life journey along with me too, in fact, they've been around much longer than my boyfriends. Even though it's a wonderful concept, to be able to find that emotional comfort from my lifelong partner, I think it's mostly romantic projection lar. Knight in shining armour (rich, smart, sensitive bla bla bla) doesn't really exist, so I've learned or am still learning to manage these expectations.

Sometimes I think of it as having someone I can count on to deliver the punch and bring me back to earth.

Maybe your dominant function is feeling. While your girlfriend's dominant function is thinking. When 2 people have completely different functions, it's harder for them to be in sync. Hence the constant arguing and fighting. I fight a lot with my boyfriend too, so not much advice for you there.

When I think about it, maybe the key to true love isn't showing him or her how much we care, feel or love as soon as possible, as furiously and stubbornly as possible. Just don't surpress your own nature to the point of frustration, it will really kill your spirit towards your girlfriend and your relationship. More important to be a happy individual first. Are you? Is she?

Oh... and about the emails, I don't think it's a big issue. Sometimes people choose to keep mum about certain aspects of their past. What is past is past. When it comes to ex lovers and conquests, sometimes honesty is not always the best policy. Not revealing the whole truth doesn't mean she doesn't love you enough to be completely honest!

If you're free, try The Clean Slate Method for some light reading. I hope it works out between you and your girlfriend. Ganbatte Jetdreamer!

Fugazzi SG

What transpired bet the both of u in the past is all gone - holding onto a cancelled 'cheque' (the past) is trying to give it validity - yes, its real: only psychologically (one keeps playing it on the mind, dwelling on 'what could have been or 'what was' or what should be ...),the reality is everything is change. Life is a flux and change is the only permanence.

No one can change another with words - changes comes about thru (one's) understanding, acceptance of oneself in TOTALITY n one's behaviour.If one can be a catalyst for TRANSFORMATION that is sufficient. Rite/wrong is subjective and relative.

Self-fulfil love, self-fulfil freedom (not licentiousness), self-fulfil responsibility - the anxiety or in this instance of doubt(s) of a ''right' choice(s) simply becomes irrelevant .

ps - change is outer, eg pruning a tree of its leaves or branches, only changes are in form/shape - .... remains superficial n cosmetic; whereas transformation is inner and holistic, the roots of the 'tree' are dealt with.

maskedangel SG

i think u already know wad u wan.

u're using us/ our opinion to justify it?

its your call, your relationship.

only you know how deep a shit you're in.