The friend who changed?

annoy-you-must SG

I have this good friend. We've known each other for so many years. However, as time passes, we get along with our own lives and meet up less frequently, though we maintained that good friendship.

Nevertheless, I always thought I more or less knew him. At the very least I thought he was the 'kuai kia' he was from the very beginning I knew him, a 'kuai kia' like me.

So you can imagine my shock when in our latest meet-up, he took out a cigarette and started smoking. I totally don't even know how to react, so I just kept quiet and pretended everything was as usual. I didn't even asked him when or why he picked up smoking.

I have nothing against smokers really. Of course, I would prefer my friends not to smoke, but I don't hate smokers or anything. But then, those other smoker friends that I know had already started smoking when I knew them, and they weren't as close.

I'm confused and conflicted. There's nothing so seriously wrong with smoking actually, so why am I feeling this way? Is it precisely because he's my good friend, that I judged him in such a special manner?

Is the image of him being a 'good boy' so firmly etched in my mind that the image of him smoking totally can't fit into my mind? If this is so, how good a friend am I actually, when I don't even really know the person I thought I know. Or do people and things change no matter how I don't want it to?

Shao Wei SG

I have this good friend. We've known each other for so many years. However, as time passes, we get along with our own lives and meet up less frequently, though we maintained that good friendship.

Nevertheless, I always thought I more or less knew him. At the very least I thought he was the 'kuai kia' he was from the very beginning I knew him, a 'kuai kia' like me.

Being good doesn't mean won't smoke

Being bad doesn't mean will smoke

get it?

Some ppl smoke just to make them relax/shiock but in a totally wrong way.. oh well

^Acid^ aka s|aO^eH~ SG

I have this good friend. We've known each other for so many years. However, as time passes, we get along with our own lives and meet up less frequently, though we maintained that good friendship.

Nevertheless, I always thought I more or less knew him. At the very least I thought he was the 'kuai kia' he was from the very beginning I knew him, a 'kuai kia' like me.

Is the image of him being a 'good boy' so firmly etched in my mind that the image of him smoking totally can't fit into my mind? If this is so, how good a friend am I actually, when I don't even really know the person I thought I know. Or do people and things change no matter how I don't want it to?

People and things change no matter how u dun wan it to... Somethings will change, it's inevitable... And yeah... I think it's wierd that u judge him just becoz he smokes... Being a good friend means u can be honest, talk to each other straight BUT it doesn't justify that u can judge him...

But then again, why whether he smokes or not affects u so much? Friendship shldn't be affected by whether a person is a smoker or not...

The only reason I can think of now is that becoz u didn't see meet up with him for so long and suddenly the changes shocked u abit... It's like u need abit of time to process the information... Perhaps u're just feeling akward that u both didnt meet up for quite sometime...

limpper SG

nowadays cigarettes so expensive then want learn -.-

purpledragon84 SG

i can understand ur confusion.. a couple of friends of mine from JC all healthy,sporty guys, after army, all become smokers. see them from play basketball to row dragonboats and stuff, suddenly army time pick up smoking.. like 180 degree like that..

but then, i try to look at it as a form of stress relaxation for them bah.. afterall, they are still friends and good buddies..

charlize SG

Smoking only what.

You never see those "mummy's boy" change until got long tinted hair, tattoos, pierced ears, pierced lips, pierced eyelids, pierced tongues and wearing sexy black miniskirts with high stilletto heels.

That's what happened to this guy friend I used to know.

^Acid^ aka s|aO^eH~ SG

Smoking only what.

You never see those "mummy's boy" change until got long tinted hair, tattoos, pierced ears, pierced lips, pierced eyelids, pierced tongues and wearing sexy black miniskirts with high stilletto heels.

That's what happened to this guy friend I used to know.

guy??? tat's scary...

purpledragon84 SG

Smoking only what.

You never see those "mummy's boy" change until got long tinted hair, tattoos, pierced ears, pierced lips, pierced eyelids, pierced tongues and wearing sexy black miniskirts with high stilletto heels.

That's what happened to this guy friend I used to know.

lol mini skirt! wtf! he sit time better not zaogeng

charlize SG

guy??? tat's scary...

Those friends whom you think are normal, might not be as normal as you think they are.

Yes, that includes that well toned macho guy friend who goes to the gym twice a week.

And that nerdy looking girl friend who spends her weekends studying advanced astrophysics at the public library.

xtreyier SG

...in anger, heart beating fast after an explosion of heated words with my dominating superior, I stalked out of the room back to my bunk. It was all so unfair. I did nothing wrong. Yet, once again I am to be blamed.

A pack of ciggarettes lay on the table. It belonged to my room mate. Without hesitation, I reach out with anger infused trembling hands towards it, opened up the box, pull out a stick and shaft it to my visibly quivering lips.

Lighting it up, I took a long drag from it, breathing in deep and exhaling air and smoke into the air, watching the tiny tendrils of vapour circling and drifting up, mesmerised by the shapes it formed with the drafts within my room.

My heartbeat slows down, and like a stage curtain, the puffs of air opened my troubled mind, reflecting and reviewing the entire episode in my commandant's office, of how the issue aroused, how it happened and its reactions.

With my continual slowed breathing, I achieved better clarity and rationalised the issue clearly, as the glowing tobacco leaves enthrallingly burns away, helping me to understand that the past had happened, and nothing can change it, just as the tobacca leaves itselves burn out into nothingness......

.......a reality i see before me, without you here beside me to advise or comfort me....

Under the cold lonely night, when all is asleep, with a troubled mind I pull out a stick of ciggarette and light it up, breathing in deep to the intoxicating roasted incinerating tobacca kindle.

In over-bearing loneliness and leaden with a burdened heart, the mists of smoke came alive, dancing before my eyes, keeping me company, warming me.

Where were you, my friend, when I needed you.........?

burndog85 SG

Well friends change for a reason, there can't always be the same as they used to be. Some changed because of peer groups or met new friends along the way. All my friends have changed from the better to worse, so I ain't really surprised if I see pulling out a smoke or not.

I guess people change for a reason over a period of time. Even my best mate, 5 years ago he wasn't a drug dealer and currently he's a drug user and also a dealer. So either way, I am okay with what he wants to do. We have been mates for like 5 years, even though I do tell him not to do it because he might get busted and sent back to Brunei. I am from Australia and currently, just in case any of you ask.

mancha SG

Your "kuai kia" will be doing more things, like driving, riding motobike, screwing, backpacking, skydiving, etc.

Don't be alarmed.

BTW what are you doing?

automator SG

Smoking only what.

You never see those "mummy's boy" change until got long tinted hair, tattoos, pierced ears, pierced lips, pierced eyelids, pierced tongues and wearing sexy black miniskirts with high stilletto heels.

That's what happened to this guy friend I used to know.

So when he started wearing miniskirts did you have sex with him?

caleb_chiang SG

What is wrong with TS? Smoking very bad meh?

AdamLyon SG

Topic-starter, it's good that you are reflecting on your predicament/dilemma. The problem as I see it indeed lies with YOU.

I wouldn't be able to accept at all/would be extremely confused, if my "kuai kia" friend of many years has become a serial killer(or at least a stray-dog killer). But you find it hard to accept that your friend has become...*Oh Horrors!*...a smoker!? In Singapore?!

Putting myself in your friend's shoes, I would be very confused by why you are treating me/looking at me differently all of a sudden, when we've know each other so long.

And then when I find out that it is because I started smoking, I would be very sad indeed. Very sad.

Or perhaps you were/are in love with said friend? That somehow might explain it.

Also, all these people came here and wrote stuff to help you understand/cope, yet you disappear from your own topic. Shame on you.

Shame on you.

*shakes head*

Y_Shun SG

TS is male or female?

Why you so concerned about your friends' impression? Is he/she very important to you???

Fugazzi SG

Only the unwise (immature) go on clinging to 'what was or has been'. If change is the nature of life, then clinging is stupidity, because one's clinging is not going to change existence (life). One's clinging is only going to make one miserable. Things are bound to change; whether one clings or not does not matter.

If one clings,consequently one becomes miserable: one clings and they change, one feels frustrated. If one does not cling they still change, but then there is no frustration because one was perfectly aware that they are bound to change.

PS : Only dead things dont change, 'alive' persons change, always!

deathmaster SG

actually, this is quite normal lah. people change, some for good, and some for bad.

everyone are born as kuai kids. (take a look at nursery school and you will understand).

along the way, some pick up habits, good or bad.

some enjoy chess and books, soccer. some turn to fast car, beer, cigarettes, sex and drugs.

so, i guess its ok to just simply accept them, unless you are seriously offended by some of his particular habits.

i once know of a nerdy guy in sch, always fiddling with computers. then during NS, he pick up smoking. once i got over the initial surprise, i find him ok.

ya, so learn to accept things as they are.

Rock^Star SG

life is all about managing one's expectations...

soleachip SG

I have this good friend. We've known each other for so many years. However, as time passes, we get along with our own lives and meet up less frequently, though we maintained that good friendship.

Nevertheless, I always thought I more or less knew him. At the very least I thought he was the 'kuai kia' he was from the very beginning I knew him, a 'kuai kia' like me.

i don't understand what smoking has to do with sincerity, integrity and personality - the few aspects I consider when it comes to friendships.

but if the smoking irks u enough to warrant a thread in AA, then call it off la.

don't keep him around only to find urself trapped in conflicting thoughts.

make ur own life difficult, make his life difficult, make the friendship difficult.

imo, like it or not, we all judge people, we have varying definitions when it comes to good and bad people, worthy and unworthy friends and lovers.

it's really just a matter of perspective, mindset, upbringing, mentality and the list goes on.

find a shoe that fits, saves urself all the agony.