im actually quite troubled over this relationship & wanna
get some response from more people.
i have been with this guy since last year april on my bday. we
started off underground till a period of time whereby a guy keep
chasing after me & i gt abit irritated, we decide to let our
relationship be known. as time goes by, he treats me better and
better. we stayed tgt for a period of time when i leave my hse for
some personal reasons. our r/s is kinda strong thru all thick &
thin, but im more emotional at that point of time as im still quite
insecured & all.
until he got into NS, he somehow changed due to the environment
he is in, and he wanted more freedom & time with his NS
friends. there was a conversation we were in and im kinda upset cos
i tot he always understand how i felt (& he really understands
me v well, everytime.) im super hurt & starts to drift away,
& moved to another friend's hse. den we ended up like silent
break(ard nov last yr).
this yr around feb we got back in contact, ive grown to be more
matured & after so long, i realised tt i still loves him
deeply, so i tried to salvage the r/s back. but he gone thru hurt
tt time & he also think thru alot, knowing what he wants more
is freedom and everything else has more priority to r/s now. so no
matter what i do, how i can touched him till he cries, also he
refuses to patch.(however while he refuses to patch, when we are
alone, he still hugs me, kiss me, and sometimes even like sex. he
still treats me nicely, trying to be there when i need him.)
but once a third party is around, he will fall back to like a
normal friend, i feel super depressed after everytime we met due to
this. and its like hot & cold,
until one day (after we didnt meet for 3wks due to his NS), when
he has been consistently nice to me for th whole wkend, i cried
again, cos i dunoe when this will end and all. i told him all these
and said i dunoe how to response to ppl when they asked abt our
r/s(cos 1 fren actually saw him hug me,den i impossible say frens
only rite). he somehow like ask me to be with him again.
i noe that being together again this time wun be totally the
same already cos of his shift in priorties and all. but i dunoe
whether he still loves me. cos like other den his family, nobody
else really noes, and he didnt really treat me like before, i felt
like he didnt cared about me sometimes like the period of time
whereby we arent considered so called BGF. im sad, but i dun dare
to bring across again, cos i believe that will further stress him
or might make him regret. =(
what should i do? or how can i make him treats me like
before?
& any idea what can we do if a guy has alot more priorities
& you are at the bottom of the list?
The condition of how this
relationship began wasn't exactly beneficial to its
long term growth. Even if you did not explicitly state
why this burgeoning relationship had to first exist in an
'underground' state - it subtly reveals a sort of
love difficulty, smelling like that I would
call a 'Neptune-affliction'.
The transitory cohabitation you had with him had a
parallel reality; I will explain a little and then you
might gradually form a logical portrait of your own
circumstances beyond your current POV.
People leave/run away from their home for all sorts of
reasons. The problem in leaving their household is not about
leaving their parents per se - it's
the instability that the situation carries with the
person that makes him/her vulnerable. Hence naturally at first
sign of trouble, you would seek shelter from your ex-boyfriend,
because he is probably your next safe
haven.
But what is probably unanticipated is
that you would subconsciously be coerced
to appease whatever situation or state your relationship
is at, simply because you needed a place to
stay. Although sex is almost assured on the bargaining
plate, but seriously, it is more than just being
physical. You are now stuck with a greater
quagmire - the prospect of losing your relationship and
finding another place to stay, if he should dump you for
whatever reasons.
You claimed that you were perpetually insecure. So what would
you do to manage this? Of course it would be
you suppressing your conflicts and giving in into his
requests - sexual or not. I do not deny that
women do have her own sexual needs and it would be unfair to
say that only the man wants it. But should the notion of sex be
more prominent in your situation, this is
subconsciously one methodology that your unstable emotion
employed itself to 'stabilize' your insecurity through the
physical exchange, in hoping that he will stay true, while you
still enjoy roof security over your head.
In simple, you have little mobility in your choice of
actions.
The 'freedom' excuse he had conveniently cited is
almost like saying 'I had enough of sex-at-home routine - I
need life outside you for a change'. Now that change has happened,
obviously he do missed the sex-at-home routine. The
'checking-back-on-you' strategy is just a facade for another
possible occasion for sex, should it arise.
Why do I say that?
As much as you would like to think that you been through a lot
of emotional times with him, it's more of how much you needed him
than he needed you in reality. You see,
he could effectively survive through his love life rather
uneventfully, even without your presence. If there are drastic
differences between his attitude towards you in private and in
presence of a third party, I will explain this discrepancy in a
brutally honest manner:
I) He needs the title of being 'single', so as to be
'socially eligible' in our society that values
monogamy, to date other girls without being branded as a
bastard.
II) He is exceptional nice to you in private
because he has a hidden agenda and he doesn't want to
reveal to anybody, in any ways. Basically he wants
to avoid putting himself in situation where he would be
'questioned' by another person. No question hence no answer
needed
He reason for his refusal to patch back is simple. I will
be equally brutal here:
"Why do I need to get back with her and shoulder the
responsibility of a boyfriend when I can
still get intimacy WITHOUT having to shoulder
this responsibility? Surely, there are less sex, but there is
STILL
sex."
Then what's his way of keeping you? Yes! It is
the hot-cold treatment! Being ambiguous is the key to
prevent you from walking away completely, yet distant enough to
deter you from coming too near. You are
trapped in this cloud of confusion, so dense that you
couldn't even maneuver. Hence remaining stationary is the
perfect position for milking and emotional
exploitation.
P.S: Your man seemed to display a tendency of being involved in
a sub-rosa relationship. Somehow, he seemed to prefer a double
life in aspect of his love relationship and is probably karmically
linked to a Neptune affliction.
You need to get hold of your life in general and not seek
for this anchor in your past relationship; you will find none in
this illusion of grandeur. 
Cheers
