Opinion on my life story

Veggie Bao SG

* Actually I also want to ask you.....what is the condition of your wife? Is she really strongly against it?

I think firstly you try to talk to her and explain, like what I explained above. I think she should have some desire also to be a good daughter-in-law, and if this gesture can be explained appropriately, maybe she will understand and not object to it.

Try to explain to her, and see what is her reaction and her thinking.

But let's say, due to her religious conviction, she really doesnt want to do it, not even once, well that is also possible, and I am not saying you should force her. In that case then you explain to your father that she really cant do it due to her strong religious conviction. But to key here is to be nice and gentle. Dont be confrontational, and you just apologize on your wife behalf that she cant do it.

So it all depends on you and you must be a smart diplomat.

QoP SG

first u dun think it has been a well-meant advise as all u did is to shoot without reasoning. but then again i can take it as u are not well-verse with word, neither am i.

about the raping part, i think u are conclusing that i miss the step of considering my dad's thought... so allow me to say what i think about him regards to this matter

1) he believe that chinese should continues the chinese tradition so he wanted me to continues the "line"

2) next, he insisted my wife to take it as he wanted the "whole family" to be part of the tradition and no one is left out

3) and since the above, the joss stick is a must as it is part of the action that ressemble the "whole family" action

if u think i'm wrong, then i would say u are wrong~~~!!!

so let's come to the stubborn part.. i do admit that i am stubborn, but i tends to sit down and think about things trying to take away my ego and etc... And if i'm really stubborn, i dun see the need to post for a opinion since i'm kinda accept myself as correct and my principles should never be violated and to make it worse, i expecting post like yours that may "violate" my principles.

Then i have a question, (this is purely illustration) if my wife tells me that she hope my parents can go to the church every sunday, and to be part of the family, she would need them to take part of the bible session and if not, she would want a divorce, should i tell my parents that since it's for the good of everyone, why don't they attend the church since it will not affect their faith? so as a man should i force my parents to go to the church?

but seriously your opinion of things seems VERY strong and i personally have the feeling that u have a kind of self-rightous in your opinion and u seems to relate your opinion as a advises, in this case i believe u use the word "advise" as u sincerely believe that u are right? no? ok i'm not going to on and on on this... it is not related to the topic

Anyway for the rest who gave your opinions on things, i sincerely thanks your opinion and time be it opinion favouring to me or not.

Thank you

Veggie Bao SG

Yes.....so what do you think about your father wishes?

And actually what does your wife think about it?

Have you talked to her like that, like what you said in (1,2,3)

Because if you can put it forward like that and explained it that way, she might not object it so much because it's not really so much a religious issue anymore.

However, if she really does object to it, then I dont think you should force her either. In this case the solution is that you have to explain to your father nicely and politely and apologize on her behalf. Just play a good diplomat la.

Louis dave36 SG

why is your father so unreasonable and like to kick up a fuss over nothing, or in this instance religion. I know those folks of the earlier generations are not highly educated and extremely religious and their thinking are not sophisticated and simple minded. but to disown you over this is a tad too extreme. go tell your father this is 2009 already and not in the 1920s Singapore or China, whereby the wife of the hubby has to obey the family, especially the in laws.

If you wife does not wish to perform the ritual, tell your father assertively and reason with him. if he doesnt listen, I suggest you approach your seniors among your relatives to mediate for you on this.

QoP SG

i think my father will prefer to sucide than to step into a church... and i SERIOUS..

As for explaining the stuff to my wife... i'm sure she is more than willing to take the joss stick.. if i ask her ... and yes she is that nice... and of course she knows about it and we talk about it as well. But as u can see.. with point 2 which is important as well, including her to be part of the chinese tradition which include her being taoist which she isn't... and maybe i should bring out one more thing. during our tradition wedding she did take the joss stick just to be "fair" to my parents... although she HATES it, she didn't tell me that but i can feel, but she takes it. And my father also promise that that's the only time she has to take it... but then.. he starts to throw more shit at her again... so how? and again and again he betray her trust... and mine as well... but the most important thing is when will he stop that... playing diplomat has never been my strength..and i always speak what i think it is... but yet... everything he throw shit at everyone... everyone just has to take it... my mum... me... and now my wife... i seriously think that i shouldn't have married my wife... and bring suffering to her... she is inccoent and yet she is bounded to the shit on my shirt

Veggie Bao SG

Ooohhh....no need so serious and pessimistic...dont worry la....

Actually I want to ask you what is the frequency that your father ask her to perform josstick bowing...?

If it is just once in a while, or in special occasions, I think it should be Ok for your wife.

If it is quite regular or frequent, and she doesnt like it, then you need to speak to your father but nicely.

But say she will still do it on important occasions. This way it wont totally disappoint him, and I think is also acceptable to your wife.

Arapahoe SG

i think my father will prefer to sucide than to step into a church... and i SERIOUS..

Saw parent done worst thing to their married children than your case. (been there worst than you and survived so not to worry)

But i would say that you should not feel any sense of regret of marrying a person you want to spend your life with. You want to start a new family you should stand up for it. The chemistry is deep that is why both of you together. The fact that your wify took up jostick in the believe that she commit a sin that show how much she is commited to YOU.

But some aspects of

1) Have you get your father go for MRI brain scanned for chemical inbalance or homonial changed sometime irrationale behavior could be a reaction to chemical imbalance. Man do gone thru Manopause.

2) Your father rejection of your wify could be fundamentally lies in what I call the fear factor of Taoist name carrying. Daugther in law will be the name carrier after he kicks the bucket. He may not be willing to be submissive to christian because he may feel that he can't enter the doorway.... (but still you need to find a lead way to further understand his perspective on reglion)

Let Your intention know that he cannot break both of you

3) Your father knows that you are not going to abondand him so he excerise the full emotional blackmail. You need to Tell your dad face on....whatever he does is not working You and your wife stayed married. Eventually you will have kids. And they might be christian. You as a son is the only Transitional Generation (meaning inbeween a Christian and Taoist/Buddhist

So PM me if you need feedback.

Arapahoe SG

Ooohhh....no need so serious and pessimistic...dont worry la....

Actually I want to ask you what is the frequency that your father ask her to perform josstick bowing...?

If it is just once in a while, or in special occasions, I think it should be Ok for your wife.

If it is quite regular or frequent, and she doesnt like it, then you need to speak to your father but nicely.

But say she will still do it on important occasions. This way it wont totally disappoint him, and I think is also acceptable to your wife.

Have you dealt with first hand social problems or you are just kepo kepo?

How do you know it is okay for his wify? you the wify family's member? Do you know that some christian believe that it is a sins if he/she took up jostick?

jojobeach SG

i think my father will prefer to sucide than to step into a church... and i SERIOUS..

Your father's behavior is a primal one.

Your father sees himself as the alpha male in the herd ( the family). The dominating leader of the family. The control freak.

You the son is the betta male.

The joss stick saga, is what your father does to initiate YOUR wife into HIS family.

By standing up to his unreasonal demands, you are challenging his authority. Hence his threat about disowning you or casting you out of HIS herd.

Betta males who lost alpha challenges, either goes back to the betta position or they leave the herd to start their own herd elsewhere and become alphas on their own.

I sense that you , are still very much dependent on your father's resources and thus is willing to continue your current submissive stance in the family.

Being in a submissive position never did bothered you before because your father's behavior only affected you (only).

However, marriage is a rite of passage which changes your social status and your wife is a significant change in your life, you are feeling frustrated in the status quo.

Bout time you become your own alpha male. And bout time your father face reality.

"i seriously think that i shouldn't have married my wife... and bring suffering to her... she is inccoent and yet she is bounded to the shit on my shirt" <---- this is a WUSS talking.

You can keep complaining and continue the self-pity "my wife is so screwed" act , or you can pull you and your wife out of the shit hole.

Uraniumfish SG