The article is titled “Existential Depression in Gifted
Individuals”. While I would not go as far to say that I am
‘gifted’, I do suffer from existential depression.
I am able to consider the possibilities of how things might be,
or ideally, how things should be. Being able to visualize how
things should be ideally, and seeing the world fall short of the
ideal standard makes me feel disappointed and frustrated. I envy
those who are merely idealists or practical people. They do not
understand the anguish of being able to see what
ought to be done, or what it should be (the
ideal), yet not be able to do it because it just won’t work in this
world for one reason or another.
Then I ponder about my significance in this world. I am merely
“a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind”; that’s how
significant I am in light of human history. Why bother trying so
hard? Odds are, you’re not going to be someone special anyway.
Maybe I should just ‘get on with the program’, so to speak, and
stop trying so hard to make a difference. I am a small,
insignificant organism who is alone in an absurd, arbitrary and
capricious world where my life can have little impact, and then I
die.
When death comes, nothing else matters anymore. Your PhDs, your
degrees, your masters, your diplomas, your awards, your material
possessions — they are no longer important when you’re about to
die. When was the last time a dying person told his family members
to bring him his educational certificates, his Rolex watch, or his
platinum credit card? If nothing matters in the end, why bother
trying so hard to accumulate treasures on earth? This is when I
experience the feeling that ‘life is meaningless’.
Just when it all seems gloomy and bleak, in comes religion (for
me, it’s Christianity). All of a sudden, life has meaning again.
Death is no longer final; there will be life after
death. All that is to be done on earth is to love and obey God, and
to build up my character to be as Christ-like as possible. For
awhile, I see the world in rose-tinted glasses.
Then reality sinks in. I’m just a stinking sinner. That nothing
I do can make myself righteous in the eyes of God. I hate my sinful
nature with a passion, and I hate my hypocritical self. The irony
is not lost on me. We all like to say that we dislike hypocrites,
and you know what? Christians are the biggest hypocrites out there.
We tell people that some of their actions are sins, and then we
proceed to commit the same sin. No wonder most people who are not
religious dislike Christians; they just can’t stand the sight of
someone who projects a holier-than-thou attitude, but is really
just a stinking sinner.
And the thing about becoming as Christ-like as possible? Well,
it’s impossible to become like Jesus, that is, to have all the
qualities He has. Does that mean that I can give up trying? Not so,
for that would amount to being complacent. So
what can I do? Just try my best? But
sometimes, even the ‘best’ isn’t enough, and that’s the case here.
I fall into the depths of feeling inadequate again.
These frustrations often lead to anger. But of course, my anger
is futile, for it is directed at matters beyond my control (eg.
idealism, sinful nature, etc). Anger that is powerless evolves
quickly into depression — and this is where I find myself.
Get over the fact that you will
be insignificant. In the light of history, everyone is
insignificant. No matter how significant a person is when he is
alive. His legacy ultimately fades to nothing.
Religion will give you comfort,
as you have found out, only temporarily and only if you are willing
to be delusional, to believe in things not proven.
So what do people do, what do
people try to aim for while he is alive? Sure, when you are dead it
all amounts to nothing, but what do you do and what do you try to
achieve when you are still alive, to give meaing to your
existence?
Meaning to existence as you
have said, is not inherent in reality. Meaning and purpose in life
are self-created. You create your own meaning and purpose in
life.
The nature and fabric of the
universe is relationships. Oxygen and hydrogen combine to create
something beautiful like water.
That then is what you should
aim for in life. To find "others" to form a relationship that is
beautiful.
Like so many things in life,
you need practice as well as the equipment. You can have the best
equipment but without practice using it, you will never be good at
it.
Relationships are the same. You
need to practice relating with people to form good
relationships.
Therefore the "solution" to
your "problem" and your depression is to form relationships with
"other people". There is no meaning in life outside of
relationships.
Just remember that you need to
practice to perfect it; the ability to form relationships (start
new relationships) and the ability to have good relationships with
people in your live.
