KIND WORDS
Making Peace
"Fresh Cut Flowers "
The author wishes to remain anonymous
Edited by Shmuel Greenbaum
Printed with Permission of http://www.PartnersInKindness.org
The Yarden family lived in Savyon and had a gardener named Naji who
came to work from an Arab village in the Shomron. He worked for
them for years, and loved their son Oron. When Naji worked in their
garden, Oron would watch him all the time; Oron would speak to him,
joke with him and the two became good friends...
When Oron was kidnapped on June 8, 1980, Naji did not show up to
work anymore. He disappeared. No one knew where he was or what had
happened to him. He just vanished.
One morning, weeks later, Oron's mother, Pnina Yarden was sitting
in her home when she saw Naji approach the driveway, walking slowly
towards the house, somewhat hesitatingly, afraid to make the next
step. Pnina was glad to see him and called him inside.
"What happened to you Naji? We needed you here!"
"Madam Pnina, is it true what they are saying"?
"What's true?" asked Pnina.
"Is it true my friend is GONE?" asked Naji.
"Yes it is," replied Pnina. "You know it...."
"I was hoping it was not true," said Naji. All of my family in our
village were praying to Allah, hoping he will come back...."
"When I saw you, Madam Pnina, on the television every night begging
for help to find your child, I told my father, Father, this is the
good lady from Savyon that makes me coffee every time I go to her
house....".
"So Naji, why did you not come all this time?" asked Pnina
"I cannot work here any more Madam Pnina, I cannot come to you any
more knowing my friend is not here. It hurts too much. I will ask
my cousin to come instead, from now on."
One day when Pnina went to visit her sons grave she saw that there
were fresh cut flowers on the gravestone She came back home saying
to Amos her husband, "You know darling, its strange but there were
cut flowers on the grave."
Every time Pnina would visit the grave, she found fresh cut flowers
on the grave, but did not know who they were from. One thing she
did notice was that they were fresh cut flowers from a garden. They
were not bought flowers.
One day on her visit to the cemetery, all of a sudden as she walked
up the path, from a distance she saw a shadow running, hiding
trying to escape the cemetery.
Pnina knew well who's shadow it was. She came closer to Naji. They
both stood there silently when finally Naji said, "Madam Pnina
every day when I finish working at some family's house, I take a
few fresh flowers and on my way home. I visit my friend."
This story is printed with permission from Pnina Yarden and from
the author, Sariel Beckenstein ([email protected]),
who is Pnina's nephew.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Making Peace"
From: Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas,
stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press
When there is peace, there is harmony. There is cooperation and
people do things to benefit others. Peace eliminates the harm and
damage caused by its opposite: quarrels, fighting, anger,
resentment, hatred, revenge, grudge-bearing. Creating peace adds to
peoples lives and saves everyone involved from the pain and
destruction of feuds and quarrels.
Being a peace-maker is an art. And it is fraught with danger, so
one must be very careful how one goes about the whole process. Many
years ago, there was a great leader who had a special method for
making peace. When he heard that two people were quarreling, he
would approach one and tell him that the other person was saying
positive things about him. He would then approach the second person
and tell him that the first person was saying positive things about
him. The next time they met, their body language said, "I like this
person." This created a positive loop and the two people would once
again become friendly with each other.
We like people who like us and speak well of us. When you want to
make peace between people, skillfully have each one say something
positive about the other. "What has this person done for you that
you have been grateful for?" "What positive qualities do you see in
this person?" "If you werent angry at this person, what positive
statements do you think you could make?"
Describe how they both will benefit by getting along well with each
other. Past grievances often have to be worked out. But not always.
At times, two people will be willing to begin their relationship
all over again. They can be shown that its best to begin again
right now. When there is a need to speak about the past, caution
everyone to avoid speaking in a tone of voice and with content that
will be inflammatory. They should speak to be understood, not to
attack. Have each one listen quietly to the other. This can be
extremely difficult. But by not counterattacking and by not being
defensive, the speaker has the relief of being heard and
understood, even if they dont agree.
By speaking about the situation peacefully, both parties might
recognize that they misunderstood the actual positions of the
other. They might not have realized the pain the other one
experienced. They might have thought that the other person is
purposely trying to say and do things to cause them pain. Now they
will each see that the other person was just trying to do what he
thought was best for himself, and didnt really want to cause harm
and damage.
Whenever possible find an agreement frame. That is, find points on
which they agree and have common interests. "What do you both agree
on?" "If possible, you both would gain from getting along well with
each other, wouldnt you?" "If you worked together instead of
against each other, that would make life easier for you, wouldnt
it?"
If you are serving as a mediator, be careful not to take sides.
Often, each party will want you to agree that they are right and
the other side is wrong. If you are an authority and a judge, this
could be appropriate. But when you are serving as a mediator, be
careful not to become a party to the dispute. Instead of finding a
peaceful settlement, you will then expand the quarrel. The side
that feels you are against them will now need to look for other
people to bolster their position. The quarrel will grow instead of
resolving itself peacefully.
You will be most successful when you can perceive both people in a
positive light. When you can create a positive atmosphere in the
room by radiating good will to everyone involved, both parties will
be able to express themselves in a peaceful setting. Your presence
will enable them to understand and be understood in ways that they
would not have been able to do if you werent there.
But be very careful not to make the situation worse. You might be
close friends to both parties and they both want to win you over.
You might say something that one can use as ammunition against the
other. They might be better off finding someone with much
experience in serving as a peace mediator who is an objective
outsider.
If you do everything you can and tempers still flare, realize there
might be deep emotional issues that have been around for many
years. The resentment has added up and now it explodes. You might
have to speak to each one separately to enable them to calm down
before they can speak to each other. There might be hidden issues
that one or both are not telling you. You think that you know the
entire picture, but important pieces of data that you arent aware
of would change the way that you are looking at the
situation.
Know your limits. Know when you should step out of a situation.
Know when your involvement will cause havoc with your emotions and
drag you into a situation with which you didnt need to be
involved. At times the only way someone will know these limits is
to have been involved in trying to help out in a quarrel that blew
up in their face. When you know what you cant do, you will have
more time and energy to be involved in what you can do.
One of my students told me the following:
I was once involved in a complex situation where a professional
lawyer with many years experience was brought in as a consultant to
the case. He sat back and listened carefully to get as
comprehensive a picture as possible
In the middle of the presentation he was repeatedly getting asked,
"What do you think so far?"
He replied, "Thus far Im still trying to get a more complete
picture. I dont have any comments yet."
Only when the picture became very clear did he make his comments
and state his opinion. Because of his extensive experience he knew
that things are not always as they seem. Two sides in a quarrel
each will have a different picture and it takes patience to get the
entire picture.
