I don't whether I am the one selfish???

last SG · 2009-02-15T15:08:04+00:00

TS,Do take what parn typed with a pinch of salt.Pre Nup is not recognised in Singapore. Only the naive suggest what he/she watched too much on american TV. ...

dukedracula SG

i don’t see how you are selfish…you have no obligation in taking care of your dad’s needs just as you too have your own needs…if your dad wants to marry, then he has to sort out his own future and not lay it all on you….this is not about being chinese, it’s plain common sense…

you have your own right to live a life of your choosing too….i would find it acceptable if your dad remains widowed and you support him but if he marries, then he should think how he wants to support his new family…

so don’t feel too guilty over wanting to live your own live too….

xunni SG

Do you think I am selfish? I felt that my dad is. For your info, another 1-2yrs he have to go for dialysis. I am myself is diagnose with kidney problem and on daily medication. My mom died of kidney failure. 7yrs I sacrifice my youth taking care of my mom. Now she no longer around, I take care of my dad. I don't understand in what way I am selfish. Don't you think this is a burden for me?

If anyone of you out there have this experience with your dad, hope you can share with me how you cope with this nonsense.

You have kidney failure too?

So you are able to work despite having kidney problem and how much do you earn a month?

Just asking to find out exactly how well is your financial status..

jojobeach SG

Lovey,

Don't let your father or anyone put you on a guilt trip.

It is indeed a child's obligation to take care of his/her parents, and what you have done so far has achieved that and way beyond what a parent would have expected of any children of theirs.

But , you are not obligated to take care of a stranger's mother.So if your father wants that woman to move in, then it is only reasonable that she pay for some expenses or simply call it rent.

I don't think it fair that she gets to freeload on your expense.

Companionship doesn't happen only after a marriage. But it is your father's personal choice.

There's only one wrong.. that I see in your situation .. and perhaps the reason why your father got angry with you.. is that you criticised his personal choice.

Who gets his inheritance is also his personal choice.

As a child.. I think it's not right to expect any form of compensation after the death of your parent/s.

Even if he decides to will all inheritance to a charity or a dog/cat , it is his personal choice.

If you get a cent.. be thankful... if not.. then so be it.

Have you discussed with him.. what will happen after his death ? Where will the woman go ? She can't possibly continues to live with you. I know this topic is a hard one to broach.. you may need some good timing and lots of tact.

If you are worried about the legal implication of your father's new marriage on your personal assets in the event something terminal happens to you, then it is time you go and get your final Will done.

Another alternative is a family Trust fund.

I'm not too sure how the laws works in Singapore, and I don't seem to get much information from the internet.

But it may be worth the while to find out if you can set up a Trust fund and appoint your sister as the Trustee to manage/oversee the assets you want to leave to your father.

A Will/Trust fund, can provide a peace of mind. The sooner you get this done.. the better it is for your own sanity.

LoveyDovey SG

Hi jojobeach. Thank you for your advice. I feel that you really understand me. When I mention with regards to his money, it is not something I am wanting or some called it inheritance. The thing abt his money/asset is just a small issue. I am concerned what will happen in the process he get sick, where money is flowing out for medication and treatments to the point of his death? It is not abt where the woman will go only but how in later part where my dad is sick, how he is going to feed her?

For your infor, Dialysis treatment is a sickness of the rich. Per haemodialysis cost around $200 to $250 does not include eprex (injection to increase red blood cell) which cost $60-$80 per jap. Most of the time patient can go 2 or 3 times a week. My late mom goes 3 times a week for 7yrs. I have not include the 3mths once to specialist for consultation and collecting medication every mth which mounted to $400 per mth. On top of all this, must put aside extra cost in the event got admitted to A&E due to infection. So you can calculate how much my family have spend for 7yrs during the time my late mom having dialysis. Me and my family able to go thru that period due to me, my sis, my dad are still working and my parents sold of the 3-room flat to help pay the cost. But now is different, my sis is married and she has her own committment. My dad has retired. I am the only person working.

[3Dd|E] SG

so don’t feel too guilty over wanting to live your own live too….

Life is yours only if u accept it , Not choosing it..=)

LoveyDovey SG

Hi Xunni, yes. I have kidney prob too. Diagnosed 4yrs ago. I am engineer by profession but i do work 2nd job on weekend. Been doing part time job since school days.

4sg SG

LoveyDovey

I admire your courage, your dedication to your father and I am so touched by what you said.

Keep up the good work, yeah?

LoveyDovey SG

Today, nobody talking. Not me to him or vice versa. House too tension. I am currently at my sis place since morning to calm myself. I know my dad well, he will find one of this day to have battle of the sexes with me again.

To all fathers and parents out there, try to understand your children. If you have raised your children well, they in turn know how to repay your kindness. However never asked for any returns for all the sacrifices you did as there is no reason for your sacrifices. It's your duty. For the children, whatever kindness you have shown to your parents, it will never be fully paid even till they die. But one thing you can be proud off is that you have their love, their care and the most beautiful moments of their lives with you.

Eventhough, with my dad behaviour and futhermore he hurts my feelings, I will always love and respect him. Whatever negative thoughts he have abt me, that will not stop me to continue my duty to care for him till his last breathe.Why?... because he raise me well.

jojobeach SG

Whatever happens to that woman after your father gets sick , is something you really shouldn't bother too much about.

If she is married to him.. it will become her responsibility to take care of him. But she must know your father's health condition prior to the marriage. She needs to know what she's getting into.

Your father is retired.. does he has any retirement income ? Or is he broke ?

If both of them( your father and the woman) are broke, with no sustainable income of their own.. and their intentions are to rely solely on your income, then it is indeed unfair to you. Considering you have your own health problem to deal with.

However, if that woman can contribute to the household, help take care of your father, and not incurr additional burden to you. I don' see why you couldn't accept this arrangement.

Your father is upset , because your approval matters to him. Kicking him out of the house and threatening to cut off financial ties to him.. is really a little too harsh. He probably perceived it as a protest to him seeking a companionship, no wonder he gets personal.

Besides.. your father's 4 days relationship with that woman hardly amounts to anything. A little bit too pre-mature to discuss anything long term.

You may want to rethink your approach.

Perhaps a small heart to heart talk may do the trick.

You can let him know you support his personal decision when it comes to his personal life as long as it doesn't put more burden on you.

Just because your father don't start the conversation..doesn't mean you should keep quiet either.

Your father's ego is probably hurt, and a father's pride prevents him from begging for your acceptance.

Perhaps, this whole conflict has little to do with your father's inconsideration for your predicament... rather.. it stems from your prejudice on this woman. Her age, her education level, her divorced status.... etc etc....

If she'd be someone else... will you be more accepting ?

Give in a little... lose some .. gain more. Life is short.

LoveyDovey SG

Hi Jojobeach, you make me think more things. I don't know whether my dad knows this lady for 4 days. Probably more. Yes, he retired and have mthly income, however enough for him only. It is not abt the the lady capability of supporting herself, as his future wife, he still need to support something on her, that is a responsibility of a husband towards his wife, right?

It will be a lie if i said i don't have feeling of upset that my dad's intention to marry, but I never felt prejudice towards this woman. It is my dad mentality, his ego and his conservativeness that upset me. He rather trusts his frenz than his own daughter. What he doesn't know that some of this so called 'frenz' are just jealous of his life right now.

Next, I am also in the doubt whether my dad have been telling the whole truth abt his health to this woman. As far as I know, he don't like to reveal to anybody abt his illness and he like ppl to say that he look young, by the way that's the truth, he does look young than his age.

I always wonder how my mom end up with my dad ( long along arranged marriage). Both of them are of different poles. My mom was optimistic and open-minded person. She let me think for myself, make my own choice, taste my own failures and success, encourage me to independent and be strong. But my dad, he the type....."you can't do this because you are woman......you want to learn to ride bike? you are a woman.......you want to do further study? where to get the money? i don't have money you should just find a job" Gosh!! If I have listen to all what he said, I think my life and future will be very very very dim.

jojobeach SG

Pardon my bluntness.

I noticed that your pessimism to this whole episode is a result of not knowing much about that woman.

Just because it is traditionally a man's responsibility to provide for his wife. Doesn't means this woman needs his financial support if she can support herself.

Like what Shun-Tzu said " Keep your friends close.. your enemy closer".

Right now.. you don't know her enough to make any judgements to the needs of this marriage should it happens.

If , after some interactions with her.. you realised she is indeed oblivious to your father's true health condition.. then you are doing her a favor by letting her know the truth, but do it discreetly. If she so decides it is something she can deal with.. then you are doing your father a favor by making sure she is the right woman. Either way, you won't lose.

Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman. Your father is indeed a very lucky man. If he had married a woman just like him.. the marriage would be a disaster.

Having said that.. I hope you can be more like your mother in her demeanor , rather than as dogmatic as your father.

If you have reservations about your father getting married.. then it is unfortunate that your father is bound to live a single/lonely life untill his death.

For even in this modernised century.. a woman will not stay very long with a man if there be no concrete plans for the future.

Perhaps your resistance to him re-marrying was due to you perceiving it as a betrayal to your deceased mother ?

Laiyueshan SG

From what i had read.. this is karma.

Anyways as a child. Do bear this in mind,your father comes above your own needs.

That is what i believe in. Because for the very fact that without him,you would not have existed in the first place. Whatever mistakes your father make you are ought to forgive him. For your are of his flesh and blood in the very first place.

As of the women, let nature takes it course. If bad things follows in her wake then let it be. The question is how are you going to handle it? You as a daughter can only advice your father, while not going overboard. If he does'nt listen to you,probably he had made up his mind. Nothing you say would affect him. And when that happens what can u do? Probably the best thing you should do is to give him your blessings. And wish for his happiness.

Do not make petty remarks such as i quote " i have burden myself for 7 years taking care of my mother, losing my precious youth ". This is life. Let me tell you frankly, even if u got to take care of another sick and elderly person (lets assume that lady is also ill) you are ought to take care of her too. Rental and other expenses? Please forget bout that. She's now your step mother (assumingly). You would say, she just another stranger but.. she's married to your father. That is REASON enough for you to take care of her. Yup is going to drain every single blood out of you. But no choice . That the way it is. filial piety.

And please... stop complaining bout your life.. there are people out there that are much worse of than yourself. Get on with it.

Peace.

jojobeach SG

From what i had read.. this is karma.

Anyways as a child. Do bear this in mind,your father comes above your own needs.

And please... stop complaining bout your life.. there are people out there that are much worse of than yourself. Get on with it.

Peace.

Xiao di di, while fillial piety is a virtue, it is not to be followed blindly.

The duty of a stepmother extends only to a man with small children whom needs be taken care of.

TS is already an adult.

When the father of adult children marries the woman.. she only becomes the wife.. not the mother of his children.

Laiyueshan SG

Still, yeah. The TS may not be oblige to take care of the woman whosoever. But as long as shes part of the family be in step mother or whatever is'nt right to look after her too? As the chinese says i quote " Ren jian you qing ". Thats what i strongly believes in. Unless, this soo called woman ill-treated everyone and act as a devlish functions then its a different story. But that is'nt the case is it not?

LoveyDovey SG

Latest update. I told my sis to get more infor from my father on this woman. She told me that this woman had asked my father for $3,000 as a loan to help pay her lawyer fee. Currently she is in court with her ex in the distribution of monetory from the sale of their flat. My question here, who is she to ask my father for $3k? For you info, my father ever got conned by another woman who took $1k from him and disappeared. All this without my knowledge and still he don't learn a lesson from past experienced. This woman just want money and not really want my father.

.....a little bit common sense....she is 45yrs old, working in bank....my dad no education, retiree, used to work as security officer. Who is more intelligent? Why is fy father is so gullible?

Thank god, he did talk abt this to one of my uncle and my uncle told him there is no such thing of loaning her that money since he just got to know her.

jojobeach SG

.....a little bit common sense....she is 45yrs old, working in bank....my dad no education, retiree, used to work as security officer. Who is more intelligent? Why is fy father is so gullible?

Thank god, he did talk abt this to one of my uncle and my uncle told him there is no such thing of loaning her that money since he just got to know her.

God bless your father. He is surrounded by families who cares and wants the best for him.

After your mom passed away, how many times have your father dated ? Was your mother his first love ?

Sometimes, loneliness can make a man/woman gullible.. most time it's inexperience.

Instead of criticising the women your father's friend pushed to him.

Why don't you and your family actively find a suitable woman for him ? If you think this is not an easy task.. then how do you think your father will feel being 65 and not highly educated ? Not a whole lot of good choices , agree ?

parn SG

Have you ever thought what your late Mom would've done?

Would it have pained her to see the relationship strained between you and your Dad?

If you have really shown love for your parents well, then your Dad would've been able to come to his senses one day and take your suggestions into consideration.

Have you thought about that?

LoveyDovey SG

My dad had meet up several women since my mom passed away. That also thru his so called "concerned" frenz. Unfortunately, due to most women he was introduced have young children, so he don't want them. He said taking care young children is a burden to him. All his brothers and sisters are not really keen for him to matchmake him since they know his character and his health. Jojobeach, you are rite, there are not a whole lot of good choices. Furthermore if that women is widow or a divorcee and she intend to get married. One of many reasons is that she is looking for a financial security and my dad not able to deliver that.

Parn, i missed my mom so much and I wish she is alive rite now to keep my dad in-check. It is not abt not showing enough love. If that's the case, I will not have went to talk to his specialist and dietician to make sure he stay healthy. I even talked to him abt many things. I believe this is more of human desire. Having desire is human but if we don't control it, it becomes evil.

jojobeach SG

Well then.. there's really not much to worry about. Since your dad is not up to her cuppa, I doubt she will want to marry him.

I think at this point.. you need to focus more on your health and your future savings/expenses.

If your health fails.. (touch wood)... your finances will be really stretched.

If giving him a little less luxury will not cause a big fight.. I suggest you just save a little bit more for yourself right now.

jojobeach SG

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