Hate my Life

Dong_Fang_Bu_Bai SG

If anyone were to tell me love is the greatest thing in life, I probably will be the one that is missing it out. I never feel & understand what love mean…

From the day I born, my life have been written to be a lonely and sad person. My mum used to tell me that my dad left her after the day I was born. I didn’t know till I was in secondary school that I’ve been staying with a step dad which I called father all the times. Also it was my god grandma who tells me about it. My childhood was never fulfilling with fun & happiness but instead it was hell for me. I’m always being scold & beaten by my step dad. He always bullies me and tortures me mentally & physically. Till today I can’t still forget those horrible childhood times I had. During primary schools, most kids got thier mum & dad fetching them home but for me only my god grandma will be waiting for me at the gate. Never a day I look out the gate to see my parents...

My family was never been a happy one, with my parents quarrel daily & I just hate it so much when it happened. During my national services, I still remember one of the day when my friend family gave me a ride home, I actually break into tears when I saw how happy & caring their family bonding. How I wish to have that kind of family. Most people had their parents wearing them a jockey cap on their passing out parade during Bmt but I was just standing there alone. No one & not even a single person come to visit me on that day. I don’t blame my mum as I understand she is working. Ever a friend of mine, who actually told me off during a joke, that I was born without a father. My heart hurt so much & I just left the room.

I have never been close to anyone in my family except with my mum but I felt that her love towards her 2 other sons are greater. She ever confesses to me that she loves her 1^st & 3^rd child the most. I believe she find me a jinx as the day I born her husband left her. I seldom talk to anyone at home & always locked myself up in my room. Sometimes I do fell lonely but what’s the point talking & ending up with disagreement.

But deep inside my heart, I love my mum the most and I always pray for her happiness in life. If god were to grant me a wish, I would wish for her happiness in exchange for my life. I just hate to stay any longer in this world.

For those who are familiar with my nick, yes I am a gay... With such a written fate I can never find a true love & happiness in my life. All I have is loneliness & most people despise a gay person like me. All I wish for is for god to take my life the soonest, I can’t take it anymore being a jinx in anyone life.

La Nina SG

You shouldn't care about what others think. I have a friend who is a gay as well and he openly admits it. Everywhere he goes in the school, he gets taunting from people but he just lives on with it. Accept it, the society needs time to accept as well. Ignore them and live on with your life. I've never seen him depressed before.

and i think that you are damn filial to your mum. If only she knows how much you love her.

Callan SG

How is what you are feeling a big problem here?

You know you are really wallowing in self pity and I have heard worst stories than your life. I myself do not have the best father and I have been tasked with providing for myself since the age of 16. I went through a bad marriage and is going through a ugly divorce now and I have not seen my daughter for the past year. You might be gay, but so are a few hundred thousand gays out there, the difference is that they managed to be happy by accepting themselves. That's how they got their environments to look at them in a different light.

I think you just lack a lot of spirit and is cynical in life. Nothing that we say can help you if you do not even attempt to look at the brighter side of things. If it is attention you are seeking, my sole advise to you is stop looking for pity and start looking for pride. Let others be proud of you as their friends instead of letting them pity you and take you as a friend to care for. Start caring for not only your mum but everyone and everything around you. You will realize that you are not the only one with problems around.

Depression can be very addictive and obviously you are very addicted to it. The deeper you go the easier for you to want to turn negative instead of doing something about it. So please, next time you are depress, either you go out and feel good about yourself, or look for something you are good at to do so that at least you know you are worth something.

Last but not least, be grateful that you are alive and not dead, because if you are dead, you would never have another chance to make something out of your pity self again.