too much pride

jaezai2008 SG

a few days ago, i got into a v. big fight with a friend. during the fight, he said something along the lines of, "you are such a pacifist on line, and when the 3rd party, but why is it when it involves you, you got too much pride to walk away? is it so hard to say you're sorry without following it with "but ......."?"

anyway, i've been thinking abt this for a long time .. and i realise he is right .. i really have alot of pride that i cannot be told of without feeling humiliation to such extent that i must justify/defend myself. i realise one reason is i'm constantly thinking about how people will think of me if i just walk away ...

how can't i stop thinking like that? people think ill of people of who walk away right? coz i recounted these events to my best fd, and he ask me, "did you punch him?", i said no, and he "you're weak, lol".

i also realise, in the heat of things, when i'm involved, i cannot see things from other people perspective - that's why my first wife left me ... broke my heart but taught me nothing. how to change?

youyayu SG

i belive theres alot of counselling number

http://sgforums.com/forums/12/topics/330952

jaezai2008 SG

thanks but i'm ok .. not in need of cousnelling .. more like advice from people who are like me but somehow manage to ... i don't know .. feel better about themselves?

i'm v. competitive .. maybe coz frm young my mom always "xxx kid first in class" .. i don't want to sound like i blame her, coz i don't .. she do it for my own good .. but that's one reason i acn think of when i say i got too much pride .. like i feel that nobody is in a position to tell me off unless my uni lecturer, or someone with some qualification that i can see and verify as true .. and even then i tend to take their criticism v. badly ... but i think more importantly, i need to change for my own personal growth - nobody wants to, correction, nobody can get along with somebody who's so defensive .. where the slightest tinge of sacarsm/criticism will send this person rebounding with harsh words because he feels unjustified/unwarranted humiliation

cherrycola SG

thanks but i'm ok .. not in need of cousnelling .. more like advice from people who are like me but somehow manage to ... i don't know .. feel better about themselves?

Perhaps you can start by loving yourself a little more. Give yourself unconditional love.

jaezai2008 SG

i don't understand. i think i love myself too much already. isn't that where my problem lies? that i love myself too much that i find it hard to see other people's perspective, and even harder to go gently ... i must always retaliate. fight back.

MrSean SG

jaezai: Remember that the gentleman who apologises and walks away is held in greater respect than the fool who fights for what he does not believe himself.

If you truly believe you're right, go ahead, make the other party agree with you. If you agree with the other party's point of view, don't be afraid to say so. It doesn't make you weak, it makes you a sociable person, a person someone would want to have as a friend. Never lose your cool unless the situation genuinely warrants it. (And we all know when the situation warrants it because when it gets to that point you can't hold back even if you wanted to.)

MaNyZeR SG

When you are wrong, just apoplogise... say it in a apologetic manner and show people that you are sincere. No point walking away or whatever shit. Also my friend, too much pride can lead you to your doom. Teach yourself and learn from people around you, not just people with qualifications or your uni lecturers. You should open you eyes more.

Everything can be settle without having resort to violence. It all depends on how much you really want to solve an issue.

Try to appreciate others and not love yourself too much. Put others infront of yourself and you will see more and learn more. Do not defend yourself when people criticise you or comment on you... understand why they say things like this and learn from it... Dont always feel so competitive and think that you are way better than people or wat.. do not have this mentality.

People will also have different opinions about you. You cannot choose this. Just be yourself, but be humble and nice to people, not arrogant and coward, by not admiting your faults and feeling you are always right.

Your wife has left you...and you have learnt nothing. But, you can start learning now. Its never too late as long as you are sincere.

All the best!!

cherrycola SG

I would like to address the part that you mentioned about being competitive. By loving yourself, I meant to say that for instance, if you were to join a competition or take a test, and the results were not up to your expectations, you should not feel too extremely stressed up and balme yourself for not meeting your expectations. Love yourself and accept that you can never be a winner in every situation.

dumbdumb! SG

i understand your need to take control, and defend what is dear to you.as a third party, you're not threatened by the loss of a relationship, so you're able to think through things calmly, because you know you have nothing to lose anyway.

but everything changed the moment you are the person involved, and you're faced with potential loss, and it clouds your judgement. you're afraid to take the pacifist route, and risking loss in the process.

i understand all these because i'm going through a little rough water with someone special, and a 3rd party suddenly popped up.

my advice is.. if you're too blind, like me, to act rationally, ask for advices from ppl who can see things rationally..

AndrewPKYap SG

i also realise, in the heat of things, when i'm involved, i cannot see things from other people perspective - that's why my first wife left me ... broke my heart but taught me nothing. how to change?

You are too cock-sure of yourself. You hold on to positions, especially your own positions as god's truth and the only possible conclusion.

REALITY is not like that. REALITY is uncertain, and you do not always reap what you sow, and the straight and narrow road does not always lead to paradise and taking the broad and easy highway does not always lead to purgatory.

Lightning sometimes strikes good people and bad people sometimes win Toto.

That is one part and the other part is, good relationship with the people close to you is to be protected and cherished.

jaezai2008 SG

ok .. assuming there was a logical debate, but which has already gone to shits and become a full blown, unreasonable, illogical argument on the verge of getting physical. what would an appropriate response be?

is walking away really an option? especially when the argument is with someone you work with everyday but on equal standing as you - wouldn't this establish a state of affairs akin to subservience? and to malu infront of colleagues? how to face anyone?

cherrycola SG

Perhaps you can walk away at the heated moment but do remember to come back and address the issue with the other party in a civilised manner.

Chris1988 SG

nobody would ever be in the right state of mind during a quarrel. harsh and hurtful words tend to be used during the arguement especially when things get heated up. thus what usually takes place will be the cooling down process followed by the apology over the whole incident and try to address the issue in a calm & civilized manner if the incident wasn't concluded.

TS i'm sorry that i can't offer you any advice as to how you can change for the better because i feel that this is you. its your character. its not something you can kick out of easily. you may change now, for a week, a month, a year. but should someone strike you head on the spot, you may revert back to your old self without even realising it.

but what you can do, i feel is to always take a step back after a quarrel and analyze everything. both you and in the person shoe. this could take an hour, a day? it doesn't hurt that much to say a word of sorry to the other party should you really be in the wrong. even if you ain't wrong, just let the matter rest with a simple sorry for your actions.

jaezai2008 SG

i too doubt i can chg .. easy to remain consciously in control, but just as easy to unconsciously lose control.

what i hope to find out is how i could have better handled that situation .. and i guess there really can be no better way than to walk away, and then talk to the person calmly - whether or not it establishes a r'ship of subserviency depends on how big an ahole the other party is, and whether or not i malu for walking away depends on how big an ahole the watching third parties are.

i think, if shit happened again, i probably could walk away. it's a logical thing, and i can see reason in doing so .. but then again .. in retrospect, i think alot of times i am aware that tihs is the best course of action, but which i don't pursue, because i got too much pride.

and don't be sorry - i am grateful for everyone's very focused advice. exactly the kind of things i wanted/needed to find out.