Parents don't approve GF

last SG · 2008-08-07T09:26:13+00:00

not bout parents or what, its bout ts if he want to change to muslim himself.. if ts cant answer that, then no need to be together, simple as that. get ready...

Rednano SG

you parents will be your parents no matter what nothing will changed that.. but if your wife gone, you will regret for life

if ur own parents really disown for example u, u not regret for life?

i like to remind u guys my dad always says when i had occasionally arguements with my mum, "remember, son, u can only say and call us 'mummy' and 'daddy' for a few more years only..."

with marriage may come the risk of divorce, so in a way, wife can change with re-marry. parents by blood ties can't change...

yes the traditional of convert to islam and taking the girl's name for marriage is hurtful to pride of a chinese family mindset. its like marrying into the girl's family... to chinese culture, the family's face is covered with cloth...

my ex-primary school teacher is also an interracial marriage, chinese married to an indian. faith wise, both r christians. the teacher is a woman.

Rednano SG

Muslim - cos i will be stopped at airport security checks (roll eyes)

90% of what they say is racially or religiously biased, although they make a point about me having to adapt to their culture - but so far so good. I met her family members and we get along very well. Its just my side. And my GF is quite affected when I talk about my family.

adapting to islam for a chinese for u is just a tip of the iceberg.

have u read the Quran, their holy book?

have u go attend mosque session for weekly fridays prayers?
have u try to pray to Allah for 5 times a day daily?
have u try to fast with them for Ramadan?

abstaining from pork is a rather 1st easy step. isn't it the same as a meat eater turn vegetarian, regardless of faith?

Rednano SG

cross marriages are so common now, judging one by colour is so superficial. i have to say your family is definately biased. they would rather put up with the previous one just cuz shes chinese? absurd!

so u have my support. im not asking you to fall out with ur family cuz they have their reasons for doing so (even if i dont agree). give your relationship more time. time to confirm if the girl is for you, and most importantly for your family to accept her.

good luck!

on the thought of the bias, what's wrong with keeping family traditions in the modern times?

Rednano SG

rainee:

They are good moderate muslims. Not the hardcore kind or fundamentalists. I am a free thinker. I'm now not consuming alcohol or pork. Will miss bacon and pork floss bunbut got chicken and turkey substitutes.

Dont miss alcohol at all.

I am the first-born. Guess that's why they are so against it.

But I feel that we are all in this world for less than 100 years. Why so vain to keep the family surname running down the generations? Its not what you're called but what you did in your life.

I got 2 bros.

My dad say he will treat my 2nd bro as the eldest if I end up with this girl. I am 23. I don't need their approval but I can see relations will be strained in the future over this.

They hated my ex, a chinese girl. But now they say they rather put up with that girl. How absurd! And this girl is actually nice! Caring, fun, modest, humble, faithful and respectable. Not the clubber kind.

u r just 23, though u r considered an adult by law... in ur primetime youth... not some 30 years olds eager to get marry and have kids yet...

for the lifespan of a individual man, yeah...,
but the surname is generations years old... get it?
this although i'm not against having daugthers in future... as long as my DNA genes is passed down the line can already.
and 'vain' is not a proper term for this traditional value.

if name is not important, then next time u name ur child, "crap bag"... and see how.

and the approval thing... forsaking ur parents for the sake of a girl... worth it?

Jeff86 SG

Give your parents some time. They might learn to accept it and the points stated by Rednano is also very true. Well, it's a tough call.

R3D3V1L SG

yes the traditional of convert to islam and taking the girl's name for marriage is hurtful to pride of a chinese family mindset. its like marrying into the girl's family... to chinese culture, the family's face is covered with cloth...

Rednano:

That is a misconception, I am allowed to choose my own name. But the point is, I'm not about to burn bridges here. If it happens, it's cos my parents burnt the bridge on their side =(

A name should be respectable and meaningful that's all. If its a legacy I wish to pass down, I'd make sure I've done something great in my life that my future generations will remember. Not just cos "I'm called Tan cos some old guy who died 100 years ago was called Tan". That was what I meant by the vainity of attaching too much value to surnames. It makes people who think this way perfer sons to daughters. But its just my thinking which I apply to myself only. If you value tradition I respect that.

The thing is, I love my girl so I'm not gonna break up, much less for the reasons my parents already given me. As much as they are my parents, I cannot obey if they tell me not to date a malay or indian or whatever. It's not just a preference for chinese which I am fine; It's the rejection of others purely because of their race which I am against. If I follow my parents wishes, I will feel like I'm a "crap bag" for what I've done.

I'm young. So? Cannot have malay girlfren?

I appologise for the bluntness of the line above but I'm quite shag now to think of a nice way to phrase it. You don't suddenly get married what. Of course must start dating first. I'm complaining my parents object to me being with my girlfren. Not complaining that my parents "don't allow" me to marry her. Although that would be a terrible scenario.

Thanks for the heads up. I've already considered the points you listed long ago. If I love her enough to marry her it won't be a problem. But its for the future to decide, not the biased views of my parents. Que sera sera.

cuddles SG

what's up with this que sera sera thingy.. my friend with a malay bf also put this as her nick...( I know it meant whatever will be will be)

I think rednano meant you're still 23, career and everything else still just taking off or what.. so marriage or commitment might be a bit too early to say.. how long have you been with this girl?

if you have truly made up your mind, maybe you should just go your way.. irregardless of what will come since you have already think of those points so long ago.. nothing we asked to know more about the situation will help anyway?

Pintoneo SG

Rednano has good points. I only have one thing to add – seems like only one party is doing all the sacrificing or even willing to consider it. I hope I am wrong about that.

R3D3V1L SG

You are right. I have made up my mind to push on. I'm not undecided here.

What I don't know is how to make my parents accept us being together.

And I'm not getting married!! Lol... I'm 23! I said they don't approve my gf not my fiancee!

elindra SG

Well one of my friends married a muslim girl against his parents wishes and they didn't talk till the grandchild was born

He told me that once the baby was born, everything was back to normal and they accepted his wife.

Maybe find out your parents concerns and maybe ask them to be logical.

Would they prefer their son to be with a Chinese girl though her charc is not good but just because she is Chinese than a Muslim girl of good charc.

Not sure how I can adv you here because I married another race but I'm lucky that my parents were supportive of my decision.

elindra SG

Anyway maybe your gf have to slowly gain your parents trust and favour.

It could be easier if you start working on your siblings because if your brothers support you, likely you will gain your parents support too

And this can't be done alone. You will need your GF to change your parents mind. Both of you have to do it together

cuddles SG

You are right. I have made up my mind to push on. I'm not undecided here.

What I don't know is how to make my parents accept us being together.

And I'm not getting married!! Lol... I'm 23! I said they don't approve my gf not my fiancee!

I see.. easy task. stay with your gf from now on.

1-3 yrs they will say or nag you.

4-6 yrs will slow down in nagging.

7-9 yrs will not be bothered.

<10 years they will change their views but still won't compromise.

<15 years they will just give up and you can marry your gf.

ahh.. end of story..

youyayu SG

if your parents disowned you they can't change the blood in you... your parents is not going to be with you all your life right? slowly let them forgive you... make your decision right prove it to them.. rather then be a coward and stay in the nest.. you will never grow this way..

no matter what your parents won't hold grudges against you.. they are your parents for god sake.. they will try to accept

TS, try to sit down with your parents and have a good conversation.. tell them u really like your gf..

religon is your own decision.. don't be a muslim if its against your will

youyayu SG

I see.. easy task. stay with your gf from now on.

1-3 yrs they will say or nag you.

4-6 yrs will slow down in nagging.

7-9 yrs will not be bothered.

<10 years they will change their views but still won't compromise.

<15 years they will just give up and you can marry your gf.

ahh.. end of story..

not all couple like that...

my mum and dad is still 1 lovely couple.. and wadever they say make my hair stands

White_SoulReaper SG

TS,

I somewhat could understand your situation... My dad's a chinese and my mum's a malay... Lucky for you, the girls family could accept you...

For my parents, when they started dating, both sides of the family rejected to this idea.. I guess it was because of the mindset during that time,,,

From what my parents told me, they had lots of obstacles... From my mum's side, they tried to have an arranged marriage for my mum... But she strongly refuse... My dad side, his parents gave him the silent treatment... This was when they were just dating...

When they really got serious, my dad came to my maternal grandparents house to ask for my mum's hand of marriage,.. He didnt tell me the full details on this one...

When they got married, my dad convert to Islam BTW, my mum side was beginning to accept him... My paternal grandparents were still cold to him... Until my eldest brother was born...

About the name, no need to worry... I have a muslim name with my fathers surname in front...

Even if your parents say that they will disregard you as the eldest son, they actually wont... Even if the put it in action, in their heart, you are still they eldest... Just be patient and be strong... You could try and bring home your GF to intro to you parents.. But they will be very cold at 1st... Your GF must really learn how to impress them and be strong...

R3D3V1L SG

It could be easier if you start working on your siblings because if your brothers support you, likely you will gain your parents support too

And this can't be done alone. You will need your GF to change your parents mind. Both of you have to do it together

elindra:

Thanks so much! Why didn't I think of this before.

Well one of my friends married a muslim girl against his parents wishes and they didn't talk till the grandchild was born

He told me that once the baby was born, everything was back to normal and they accepted his wife.

Haha... This is the scenario I hope to avoid in the future if I marry this girl. Even though now we are only steady. One thing leads to another.

elindra SG

elindra:

Thanks so much! Why didn't I think of this before.

Haha... This is the scenario I hope to avoid in the future if I marry this girl. Even though now we are only steady. One thing leads to another.

Haha coz my hubby was the smart one and quickly won my brother over :P

So learn from him ^^ and after that my brother only have good things to say about him until my relatives all shut up also

Gosu. SG

Show them that malays not only know how to make babies...

R3D3V1L SG

TS,

I somewhat could understand your situation... My dad's a chinese and my mum's a malay... Lucky for you, the girls family could accept you...

For my parents, when they started dating, both sides of the family rejected to this idea.. I guess it was because of the mindset during that time,,,

When they really got serious, my dad came to my maternal grandparents house to ask for my mum's hand of marriage,.. He didnt tell me the full details on this one...

When they got married, my dad convert to Islam BTW, my mum side was beginning to accept him... My paternal grandparents were still cold to him... Until my eldest brother was born...

About the name, no need to worry... I have a muslim name with my fathers surname in front...

Wah ok. I feel lucky now that my case not so jialat. Thanks for sharing. I did. They were very frenly to her until they realise she cannot speak chinese... then....

cuddles SG

not all couple like that...

my mum and dad is still 1 lovely couple.. and wadever they say make my hair stands

I don't mean couple life.. i meant the parents attitude to the couple..

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