Am really in agony

sparklesolitaire SG

Hi all.

I'm feeling really depressed. To the extent i'll even hit my own body or scratch myself n stuff like that. But it only jsut started recently like two weeks ago. no blue black etc. Just the momentary pain makes me feel less hurt, emotionally. And the thing is that no one knows about it, not even my family, nor friends. I always appear cheerful and bubbly on the outside. Only my bf who saw me acting up once during one of our many arguments recently... i was in a dreamy dreamy state, n den i start hitting my head with my hand... cuz he was doing one of his very very insensitive stunt of just keeping quiet and giving short one word reply. And i regretted that. Is this depression? Should I seek help??

all this depressive feelings stemmed from my bgr relationship. i'm doing ok in the other aspects of life. But i've never talked to anyone, anyone. I never have the habit to seek the consultation of others...

Sometimes, I just feel like i want to die. or maybe be seriously hurt or smth. Cuz only then could I sense some inch of concern from my boyfriend. He doesn't express himself. Whenever I try to engage in some kind of conversation in relation to our rship, he starts that insenstive stunt of those short one word reply. and I feel pissed from the lack of enthusiasm to try to find the root problem, to try to solve things tgthr. When I am feeling obviously sad, he doesn't even give me a call to see if i'm okay. The problem with him is the lack of initiative. And many times i have reminded him, he starts becoming better initally, and then gradually back to groundzero. This lack of initiation is making our r'ship dull. There is completely no surprises for me at all. And i am very upset about this becuz during the honeymoon stage, he was really very thoughtful and sensitive towards me.

Something i've got to clear my doubt on, is romance, surprises and sweetness a must in r'ship? Or is it just a bonus? And if my bf doesn't give me those, it is only normal? Please tell me if i'm expecting too much out of him.

I keep ranting about my bf's cons here. But he does have his goodness in him. For instance, being very patient and he doesn't find any fault of me as much as i did on him. Sometimes, i feel that if he could be upset becuz of smth i did (or didn't), it would be better than him feeling appease all the time... cuz the latter only shows that I don't really matter at all in his heart. But i once talked to him about this and he said its becuz he i mattered that those tiny bits of probs doesn't matter to him.

I know girls are contradicting. All these issues are only a tenth of the whole baggage of problems. For now, i just wish to rant a part of it... i don't want to lose this rship, but on the other hand, its been taxing on the both of us. smtimes i think if i were to be free from this r'ship, i'll feel sooooo much better. But i totally dread the transition (the breaking-up). It hurts like hell and the pain just puts this whole idea off.

purpledragon84 SG

goodness.. for a start, stop hurting urself! do not start to hit or scratch or whatever urself away thinking that it will be a source of relief!

why do u not talk to ur friends abt ur relationship? for ur family, maybe it's hard to talk abt relationships, but surely, talking to them about anything interesting, like current affairs and daily incidents in ur life will be a very big step to making ur life a whole lot better..

that may be where ur source of self-abuse comes in, u have lost ur channels of communication, and as a result, the only way to vent it out is ur abuse, not to others, but to urself.. when u focus ur whole life, ur whole energy onto only one aspect(ur BGR for instance), any problems there will hurt u the most..

the solution? put more focus and priority in other aspects of ur life of course! u may not feel that the other parts of ur life is a problem, but there are always more things u can improve on.. make ur family and friends a more critical part of ur life, so that when one aspect fails, u have other aspects to fall back on.

Now for the boy problems.. if a guy doesn't care for u anymore, there are many possibilities.. i cant really pinpoint anything, but at 1st sight it will definitely seem to me that he's very very disinterested in the relationship.

abt ur doubts regarding romance, sweetness and surprises.. let's give u an analogy.. imagine ur relationship is like ur room.. the main functions of ur room will be shelter, support and private space(as like a relationship), now those 3 things will be like ur air conditioning system.. something really really good to have, but u won't die if u dun on it, but once in awhile, to let u enjoy ur room and its main functions, u will like to turn on the aircon, and the best scenario? air con 24/7 right? but aircon = higher bills, whereas devoting romance, sweetness and surprises will be very very taxing on the giving party..

of coz, im not saying that it is ok for a guy to not be romantic and sweet, but there are days when the room basically serve its main functions, and that's that..

regarding ur boyfriend's one word answers.. u loathe it very much don't u? have u told him about it? or is his answer to u telling him abt it, another one word answer? very demoralising right.. have u tried writing out ur feelings, thots and stuff in letters and giving it to him to read? give him time to pen out his feelings too.. find out what is it that disinterests him.. does he require more private space? any conflicting issues between the two of u lately? find out..

but lastly, i must warn u.. when signs actually become obvious, it's usualy in the last stage of cancer..

wonderamazement SG

well if he's treating you this way... why not leave him and seek a new life.

fymk SG

Have you spoken to him? If not, start talking to him instead of asking us for our opinions. Best way to get answers.

FocusPoint SG

Dear TS,

Why wouln't you want to lose this relationship? Try to identify your own feelings for him first. Is it really love or merely a feeling of ego and pride being hurt because you can't get him to change to what you want him to be - that is - being more attentive.

Why fight a losing battle? Your relationship is unhealthy in the sense that you WANT - (yes, I emphasize on that in large print) what your expectation of a relationship to be - that is - an attentive boyfriend which he is not. Please bear in mind that this man is an adult not a child anymore to be mould to be whomever you want him to be.

Note this - No woman can change a man unless that man wants to change on his own accord. And if he does change that means he really really loves you.

Humans - I won't say men only as women are just the same - do not like outside force to change them especially in a relationship. The more we are being pushed the more we resent the change. So what if you hurt yourself in front of him. You may plead and beg may even threatened suicide in the hope that you can mould him to what you want him to be but let me be honest with you in the end it will come to no good for you and for him.

My advice to you is change yourself. When I say change yourself, I'm not asking you to change for him or to accept him as he is as I'm sure it will only bring you more misery because you wouldn't accept the way he is. Change your own outlook in relationship. Like shopping. Shop or look for someone that is more suitable for you, that will be more attentive to your needs instead of getting into a relationship that is not up to your standard.

Good luck TS!

Evangel SG

Feel depressed because of a guy? Wake up girl! Your parents are there for you.

jojobeach SG

Sparkle,

You can keep hurting yourself, scratch your eyes out, pull your pretty hair off your scalp and behaving erratically.

When your boyfriend sees what you are doing, the first thing that's gonna come to his mind is.... you're a nutcase.

Then he will wonder if he has made a wrong choice in his girlfriend selection, why in the hell he ended up with a nutcase ?

When it comes to the relationship. Ask yourself this.

Are you happier after you met your boyfriend ? Or.

Are you happier before you meet your boyfriend.

If you relate to the latter, then sorry .. you are in a wrong relationship. And there's nothing much you can do to improve it, because the recipe is already wrong.

When it comes to your depression, you are expecting your boyfriend to give you happiness. Unfortunately, happiness does not come in a can manufactured by your dear boyfriend. You gota make it happen, yourself.

Finally, if you are afraid of being alone during the break-up. Consider getting yourself a rebound guy. Very useful in times of need.

sparklesolitaire SG

i’ve tried to talk to him & he gets put off whenever i try to engage in such ‘relationship issue’ conversation. I don;t know who to rant to so i’m here.

i believe i’m in the wrong r’ship (in accordance to jojo’s definition).. so is there no way to ever make this r’ship right??

the only solution is to part?

sigh. i shall consider.

really appreciate the replies here…

browniebaobao SG

if this r/s is making a mess of ur life, then i suggest u walk out of it.

jacqn SG

Dear TS,

Has your bf character been like this? if he always been like that, then it only means your honeymoon stage is over. My situation also similiar like yours. We seldom even talk a lot... sigh... he only know how to play games, and games is his life...

KungPaoChicken SG

U think too much, and you threw all your eggs into one basket. Sry to say you are definitely not those who can play stocks. And pls go to IMH b4 u lie in a pool of blood one fine day. Depression is no joke. Esp when you think too much.

BabyRex SG

Hi Sparkle

This is not the first time I've seen or heard of guys who act like this in their relationship. I do not know why they act like this. Maybe they have no confidence with themselves and think that when you want to talk about the relationship, it means you are initiating a break up.

I know that it is hard for you to bring this up to your family member, but I still think you should talk to somebody about it (maybe your sibling, a close aunt, a good friend or even a total stranger who is willing to listen. I think parents may not be good choice), especially when you are now hurting yourself thinking that it will ease your emotional pain. The person you talk to may not give you any advices or solutions, but it does really help to have a listening ear rather than keeping it to yourself. It may not solve your immediate problem on your relationship, but you know that at least someone is listening and you can channel your thoughts of physically hurting yourself to talking to this person. It's a good start that you come to Aunt Agony, but then I still think you should talk directly to someone.

Take care and stop hurting yourself or do stupid things to yourself anymore. Physical pain will not cure your emotional pain.

If you really can't find someone to talk to and wants my help, PM me.

BabyRex.

xavier1979 SG

Agreed with the ladies above.

A guy who refuses to talk calmly about problems in the relationship and work on improving the bond is a flashing RED light. Do you want someone like that for the rest of your life, refusing to acknowledge flaws, believing that love is smooth sailing?

jojobeach SG

i’ve tried to talk to him & he gets put off whenever i try to engage in such ‘relationship issue’ conversation. I don;t know who to rant to so i’m here.

i believe i’m in the wrong r’ship (in accordance to jojo’s definition).. so is there no way to ever make this r’ship right??

the only solution is to part?

sigh. i shall consider.

really appreciate the replies here…

You can change yourself.. but you wont be able to change him.

When a man refuse to talk.. the more you push.. the deeper he retreats into his cave.

You can nag at him... threaten him.. kick his arse... if he don't want to.. he won't.

Obviously .. he don't think you are worth the effort.

Now.. ask yourself lor.. do you think you are worthy of a betta man ?

The world is so big... surely there's a more understanding guy out there... don't you agree ?

Karma88 SG

Omg just like one of my girl friend .

She was so into this guy . But the guy was naturally a dont talk a lot dont like to crap a lot guy . And on the other hand my friend was very out going and talks a lot . But after she dated him she told us she felt depressed and starts hurting herself .

But in the end our group of friends talked to her and the guy . They broke up after that but are still in very close contact .

00011000 SG

sparklesolitaire

I have these questions to ask you. What age group are both of you? What are you and your boyfriend working as or studying for?

I ask these questions because some vocations train or demand a person to be psychologically adaptive (like nurse, teacher) while some vocations don't (like accountant, software programmer).

If your age group is 16 - 25, it's OK. What both of you need is time, to adapt to one another. But if your age group is 26 - 40, you may consider what I say below.

It seems you have a good and healthy relationship with your boyfriend. But your problem seems to be one with communication. Not just a person-to-person communication that I am talking about. But deeper aspects, like the way both of you are brought up and the core values of both of you.

Have you try counselling, I suggest you try psychiatric counselling. Not so much as to change one another or to better understand one another.

But more importantly, to find out what are the deeper (hidden) personalities of both of you; and to see if your personality and his could fit (co-exist as man and woman).

The good thing is that you notice this aspect of your relationship and seek remedy now, before marriage.

MrSean SG

Physical self harm... If it's just superficial personally I think it's ok, but nothing too serious k? Just a little bit of physical pain to distract you from the emotional pain. No lasting damage! Not knives and certainly no wall-banging. You can chew on your arm if you want.

I don't know seems like it's time to end this relationship.

ChiBet SG

is it that time of the month for you?

its normal to have mode swings due to the chemical imbalance in your body.

hope you get well soon.

have a talk with your BF and let him know that you feel as if he is not concern about you and you are having security issues. do not make demands, do not shout, do not pressure him. just talk to him

if he really loves you, he would definately give you some kind of assurance. or else, leave that ashsole. there are lot of other guys out there