hi everyone, need some advice, story is a bit long sorry
about that.
got to know this girl in the same uni class, dint really know
her at first but somehow got to know each other better a month ago.
contacted her abt my other friend whom i tot he was in
trouble, n somehow we got closer and talked to each other on
the phone almost every night. went out a few times in a large
group and went out alone with her twice. at the start, i just
wanted to know her more out of curiosity, but somehow we jus have
endless topics to chat about and she confided in me about her
problems. it was during exams period and we studied together
everyday, i would make it a point to send her home everytime we go
out.
i tot of her as a platonic friend, but dint knew i
fell for her. there was this once i sent her home when she told me
not to treat her so gd if nt she will fall for me, i brushed aside
that statement carelessly, n dint tot much of that.
i told her i liked her, and she said she liked me too.
everything happened kind of fast. the problem is she has a
boyfriend of 3 years and does not want to be unfaithful towards
him. he is in national service. i know i might be just a temporary
refuge as an emotional support or something better than a normal
friend but i jus kept falling deeper. she made
statements like curbing her feelings towards me and tellling
herself to stop liking me, to which i refuted with anger and din
accept those stuff. she would love to play mind games with me and
make me guess wad she was thinking, and would make hurtful
statements sometimes.
i made her cried , when i had enough n told her i would stop
smsing her n bothering her, cause i know in the end she will not
leave her bf. i dont know why she can say these stuff and i
cant.
our sms towards each other gradually lessened and now that exams
are over, we dont see each other everyday anymore. 2 days ago
i stopped smsing her totally and she asked me why dint receive my
msg for so long, to which i replied that she doesnt reply me when
she is with boyfriend and sms her also no use. we talked briefly
yesterday on the phone and was going out today when she cancelled
it and i jus hecked it. i would pacify her everytime whenever she
got angry, and i tot i jus dont want to do that anymore. our sms
jus became colder. i guess
i am very confused n sad, i asked friends for advice and they
told me if it aint got any ending and i got to stop hurting myself.
i know about that but somehow not willing to, cause i tot if 2
people liked each other, i dont know why we cant be together. i
tell myself everyday to be her a good friend, and jus let it
go but still miss her a great deal. we only know each other
for not long, n i dont know why i liked her so much.
in any case i am 23 this year, to my friends i am a lively yet
rational person that dishes out advice to them whenever they
need it. i cant comprehend why i am not rational anymore.
please tell me what i should do, any advice will really be
appreciated a great deal
thank you for reading and your time, hopefully will get a
response from any of you which can help me. =)
Actually this is quite a classic situation
because it's when the unconscious aspect of love is brought forth
consciously through various catalysis and situational factors, it
often creates a demand so robust that it strikes you like a growing
hunger and subconsciously relates an unfathomed behavior you too
failed to understand.
It's quite simple here: in the
beginning, you tell yourself that you are merely viewing her as a
platonic friend, but your behavior increasingly worked to promote
deeper emotional connection. And all these behaviors are concealed
in name of platonic friendship. You claimed a trait of being a
rational person - it kinda affirmed my belief that this
'rationalization, logical, systematic and organized persona' in
face of love acts pretty much as a facade in your earlier denial to
foster a path towards creating probable relationship with this
lady, with or without the consideration her existing
boyfriend.
Freud classified it as a form of
defensive mechanism. So does Noel Tyl, I believe.
Still considered platonic? Nah.
That facade has shattered a million pieces when she revealed a
possibility that she might just fall for you. This brought the
unconscious desire into light and consciously, your dormant
affection begin to multiply like some kind of emotional cancerous
cells because there seemed to be reciprocation and it suggested a
reduced possibility in being rejected and thus lessen the fear to
advance.
There are times when people tell
me how 'platonic' it all began and when I read into their
personality and attitude, I realized that the concept of platonic
friendship can hardly existing into their psychological framework
(esp some of the self proclaimed 'nice guys'). It's just doesn't
sound convincing because it just doesn't seem to fit and when they
relate this as part of the tale, very often, yunhaier dismissed it
as mere facade for love to advance undercover.
CloUdiSm states two kind of
platonic friendship:
Pseudo-Platonic: natural selection would consider the 'friend'
a possibility of a mate. It's often a KIV relationship, potential
but not manifesting until an eventful trigger.
True
Platonic: BGR will
never manifest between the two.
I will quote what you have
posted:
[Originally quoted by
Clyde1985]: 'Cause I know in the end, she will not leave
her bf.'
There... you have your answer on
the above classification I have stated.
And next, you have your
woman.
She is probably in need of
companionship while her boyfriend is away. She is keenly aware of
her situation, but has decided that she will not leave her
boyfriend during this period. This is critical, because what
happens is that it is suggestive of the fact that she would remain
faithful unless there are compelling reason for her to deter
away.
If a man preoccupied her time and took on
'roles' that her boyfriend would normally do, this substitution is
perfect.
Because this man fits the exact criteria of what you would deemed
as a perfect shelter for the moment. You might create a pull
factor, but if there isn't a push factor from within, chances are,
your attempt will fail. Yes, there are alternatives to rework this
situation, but unless you are really well-versed in AOS or stuff, I
reckon don't bother employing more resources to take on something
beyond what you can manage.
If you feel ambivalent about mind
games and you can't handle such tricks, just quit - you probably
regulate your loss more effectively this way. If you find it
difficult to face subtle rejection, then it might be somewhat
beneficial for you and her to remain separated for a period. It
doesn't mean two people who like each other would end up being
together as the ultimate acceptance of a relationship is a complex
model and isn't as linear as you originally proposed.
P.S: In love, being rational
served little purpose - it's all about intrapersonal skills and
experience. 
Cheers
